To ask you try to work out the ex's weekends?

[k1p1]

Please help me work this out

Ds goes to exP on alternate weekends. Sometimes exP wants to swap because things have come up. Then he wants two weekends in a row in return. Eg: can't do the one coming up, so wants the two following.

On paper of course this is fair, especially if you think in his terms of having ds two weekends per month. In reality, to me (and ds) this seems unfair; exP can't do his, so can't we just change our sequence and then continue onwards?

It's not an official arrangement and mostly civilised. I am very flexible, if I have made plans I will change them, as this makes life easier for all, especially ds. I'm not being a martyr, just as a single person, it's easier for me. Also, ds (11), loves his dad but would always prefer to be home and it takes a lot of encouragement to make him happy to go each fortnight. Changing adds to this stress, but I don't want to deprive exP from his ds either.

So AIBU?

I don't understand. U about what.

We tend to go for the 'changing the sequence and then continue onwards' option. Going for two in a row wouldn't work for me because I work FT so I would start to feel like I never saw DS (5). The every other week thing gets messed up for us at half-terms and holidays anyway when we occasionally stay with my mum for a few days so the whole thing isn't set in stone.
YANBU.

YANBU. would ex be likely to agree to this do you think?

how often does he want to swap? if its on the odd rare then i dont see the problem, if its every month then he is fitting his son around his life and needs to re think his priorities, he needs to fit his life around ds not the other way around

if it were me i would tell him on special occasions its ok, other wise he will have to miss that weekend and carry on as normal

Sorry took me ages to understand. I am being a bit dim. Your arrangement sounds far better. Yanbu.

Sorry, Lovely, I didn't word that very well did I? I meant U to ask for an alternate sequence to stay.

Thanks for the replies, we've argued about it before, he uses his logic and I have to agree it's right, even though it doesn't feel right. I'm glad I'm not alone in this situation, Pins.

Vinegar, it's the odd time, maybe four or so times a year. Ds hates this though - he hates school and lives for the weekend at home.

If you're putting your DS's needs first, then no, you are never being unreasonable.

Use that as your rule of thumb.

'Yes, I can swap the weekend - that's fine. But I'm not willing for DS to come to you for two weekends in a row after that. He doesn't like it, it unsettles him. So let's be clear from now on that that's not going to happen. If it bothers you, then you should make sure that you explore all other options before swapping a weekend.'

Perfectly fair enough.

It isn't going to do your ex any favours either if your DS starts getting more stressed about visiting his place if it's already a bit of a point of conflict - point that out to him too.

he hates school? i would be slightly concerned about this, i would also be concerned about him wanting to stay at home all weekend, when my ds1 was 11 i couldnt keep him in at weekends, although i appreciate every child is different, but it sounds like there are some underlying issues if he is not happy at school, but im going off on a tangent and im sure your already addressing them?

Thanks Jim, that was my next question, how to say it! That's great. I admit to being weak around exP, he'll easily get the hump, then life becomes difficult for a while, so I need a reasoned response like that.

My trouble was the logic of it - it seems right on paper and I don't want him to miss out either, or keep ds away from him. But yes, ds comes first.

Lovely, I xposted earlier, thanks.

Tbh Vinegar, he likes being with his things and being at home and that's the reason for not liking school too. There's only us two here, so comfortable.

It was the logic, maths and fairness of the arrangement I was struggling with, and how to argue my case.