To think this is the sign of something bigger?

[StraightTalkinSheila]

SIL and BIL recently had first baby six weeks ago.
Visited them. Am a non-smoker and not ill - no colds, sniffles etc.
Baby was not prematurely and has not health issues.
Held baby and kissed him on the cheek, as you do. SIL reacts very strangely and BIL says "We are asking people, apart from us and SIL's mum, not to kiss the baby."
The reason is that SIL heard of a case where someone kissed a baby on the face and the baby had a massive allergic reaction and died.
Am happy to respect their wishes - it's their baby- but AIBU thinking this is further evidence that something may not be quite right with SIL?
In the past BIL has told me that if she feels she has eaten too much, she feels sick so that she will go to the bathroom and make herself throw up. He seems to think this is quite normal. She also has issues with cleaning.

Hmm. Potentially, if part of a much bigger picture of extreme behaviour, but not on it's own. I mean, you spend so long sterilising things for a newborn and then have to hand it round to be breathed on and snogged by half the germy world. I don't think she's BU.

She's being PFB about the baby, but that's to be expected. The purging after eating a lot (eating disorder) and cleaning are another matter altogether.

I agree the not kissing the baby thing is understandable as many people hear about babies that have become very ill from contracting herpes simplex - neonatal herpes can be very serious, although it is usually contracted before or during delivery. You can have herpes without ever having exprerienced a sore. People have different levels of risk/worry about different things.

But I agree that the other aspects of her behaviour are worth monitoring and may, possibly, have a bearing on her risk for PND if she already has an undiagnosed MH problem, or her issues may get more extreme. However the two examples given in the op, although make me raise an eyebrow may actually mean nothing more than a woman that needs to have control over her environment/body. If her behaviour is affecting her life detrimentally or that of her family then it may be worth being available for support, if possible, and offering gentle information for your SIL and BIL to do with as they wish.
There is always the possiblity that she does have a condition, which they both know about, but don't wish to discuss with anyone else.

You can have lovely baby snuggles without kissing and if that is their wish then I don't think she is BU - particularly if it is something like herpes she's worried about, everyone has their pfb 'thing' and at least this is rational, unlike some of us

What about your Mum? Is she not allowed to kiss the baby given that the other grandmother is?

They are being ridiculous.

YANBU,

Only SIL, BIL and SIL's mum are allowed to kiss the baby.
I know it's their baby, so their rules but I do think this, along with the food/cleaning issues smacks a little of soemrtohng bigger than PFB.

*something. Damn, you IPad!

It is a bit odd. However, I remember people being very blase about kissing the baby. My DF gets cold sores and I was so paranoid about him kissing DD. I couldn't even kiss her as I had a cold sore in hospital.

The food issue is an eating disorder and very unhealthy.

I find it very understandable. Everybody carries germs around, you could even not be ill yet but already have picked up sth contagious and only realise a few days later. Kissing a newborn just exposes them to mee bacteria unnecessarily. I'm not saying you did anything wrong but i think it is very normal for parents of a newborn to be protective. With a fragile newborn, it's better to err on the side of paranoia.

My first thought was parnoia regarding peanut allergies; there was a lot of literature when I had DS1 about nipple creams containing peanut oil.

Interesting news item regarding herpes - does she know it can be transmitted through breast milk too?

news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/lancashire/7913770.stm

A newborn baby girl may have died when her mother kissed her, an inquest in Lancashire has heard.

Jennifer Schofield was 11 days old when her vital organs failed after contracting a strain of herpes in November 2006.

The baby's mother, Ruth, 35, of Binyon Court, in Lancaster, transmitted the virus by kissing her or breastfeeding.

Miss Schofield has since been campaigning to raise awareness of the condition, which kills an estimated six babies a year in the UK.

I have actually heard of this happening to a new born baby too. I think the adult had a cold sore and kissed the baby

I think it's quite normal to be very protective of a new baby. Animal instincts and all that. I remember crossing the road to avoid walking my new born baby past a group of smokers.

The food thing is an issue. No idea about the cleaning though as you haven't explained.

There was a thread on here a while ago from a Mum who lost her baby to the virus. I think its pretty understandable tbh.

Is 'issues with cleaning' doing very little or doing far too much?

Agree there's an eating disorder... it isn't normal to deliberately go and vomit because you think you've eaten too much, and it's worrying that BIL thinks it is.

The kissing thing - I ask before picking up and cuddling, even my nephews and nieces, and have been asked not to kiss (but am allowed the cuddle!). Yes a bit PFB but perfectly understandable.

Not wanting to drip feed, but she is consantly cleaning. I guess I should have made that clearer in my original post. She does things as well that are linked to this and food, like refuse to eat at family barbecues as she feels food/plate sect may not be hygienic enough.

Like I said, her baby so am happy to abide by the no kissing rule but concerned that it signals the start of something.

I think you're right, but I'm not sure what you can do about it other than respect her wishes and make sure your brother knows you're available if other help is required.

I don't think it's unreasonable to want to protect their baby. I recently had my mil slabber all over my ds then tell me she felt a cold coming on

Some people are really inconsiderate and only consider their own wants/feelings where new babies are concerned...I'm not saying you do this btw.

They have a right to be pfb...if they don't protect their tiny baby who will!

The sick and cleaning are a different issue altogether imo...they are just acting like normal parent who are besotted with their newborn...let them enjoy this precious time. Mine was spoilt by my sil and mil's incessant bitching about everything I done from cuddling my own baby to my feeding choices. Don't be that sil!

She does sound a bit obsessive to put it mildly. At this stage there's nothing you can do except keep to her rules in her home and maintain bridges with your brother if it escalates and he needs support.

I think she is being reasonable about the no kissing the baby rule, yiu don't need to kiss a baby, the baby doesn't get anything out of it.

Even if the chance of something awful happening are very low the panic she might feel would be very real.

I can?t believe the timing of this thread. OP if I had read this before I went on the school run this afternoon I would have said YNBU. However, DDs playmate was picked up by her aunt today, not her mum, because her four month old sister in in hospital fighting a ?cold sore? virus. She?s really ill. I had no idea that it was an issue at all let alone so serious. Illgetmegoat?s description further up thread is spot on, sadly.