To think staying in bed til 7 is not a lie-in just because I'm up at 5 in the week

[lecce]

Dh is sahd and I am f/t teacher. Dc are 5.10 and 3.6, so one at school and one at pre-school. DS2 is STILL a poor sleeper and gets in our bed about 11ish. I get up to fetch him and he kind of disturbs me all night by 'kneading' my boobs, twirling my hair and lying on top of me.

I am absolutely exhausted and the way I have found to cope is to get up at 5, get to school at 6.30am and use that two hours to get planning and marking done. This means I can leave school at 4 (hour after pupils go) and be home to spend a couple of hours with the dc and do bed/bath etc. After that, I usually do a bit more work - sometimes 30mins, sometimes an hour or 2, about once a week - none.

Dh gets up at 7 every day and at the weekends we have always taken it in turns to have a lie-in. DS1 usually joins us in bed anywhere between 6.30-7.30 and when we have had enough tickling, hiding under the covers etc, whoever's turn it is will get up. The lie-in is not a huge one, about 40mins in bed and then a long bath - neither of us want to lie in bed half the morning.

Lately, dh has been saying that 7 for me is a lie-in anyway and intimating that I should do both days. He is kind of joking in the way he says it, but is saying it so much it is really starting to piss me off. I am so tired that I fell aslep on the sofa at 8.30 last night and I feel shattered all the time. To make it worse, he kind of jokes about how early I get up, saying that I'm 'a nutter' and refusing to accept that I NEED to be in at that time to get everything done. He is NOT a bully - we have a jokey sarcastic way of speaking to each other but he's taken this one too far and it's getting to me now.

PS - I know ds2's sleep needs sorting and we have tried. We are moving next week so all sleep training has been put on hold until we are settled in the new house.

Hmm. Could you just say, "look, I know you are joking, but I can't take it on this subject. I'd love to get up later in the week."

Or if he isn't really joking, get up at 7 next week and he will have to do all the bath and bed while you work ( assuming he is home at that time and not at work himself).

Yanbu, one day each is fair. So he gets a full night's sleep every night?

Ah lecce don't worry it will get better, probably once you have moved and settled.

I don't really know what to say other than YANBU. I do not have two DC but I can definitely relate to the tiredness with just one DC even.

I am the SAHM at the moment and my DH does one night every weekend so that I can sleep properly and we take it in turn to get us with our DS on the alternative days and take him to the living room so the other can sleep.

Yesterday however my DH looked shattered so I insisted I would do the night as well as mine I did Friday (luckily DS slept through both nights haha) but as I am SAHM I do believe my DH does need his rest when he can get it, same way you do.

Looking after children is extremely hard work but so is getting up and going out of the home and doing a long day at work and then. Comin home to take over as such.

I think you should stick to your guns and make sure that your DH realises just how much you are doing for the family

*then coming not then.Comin

Well I think that a lie in is until you have slept enough!

What would happen if you went to your son's bed when he gets into yours?

Does your husband catch up with sleep in the day at all?

Is it more that because he gets up with the boys Mon-Fri & looks after them, he doesn't want to do that at the weekend as well?

I was a SAHM but my working husband always got up with them at weekends to give me a break from them & himself some time with them.

You really need to get your DS2's sleep issues under control - absolutely everything will feel so much better when you do.

I have every sympathy - my DS1 (5 years old) has parasomnias which have only just started to become manageable.

I really recommend the Millpond sleep clinic - they helped us when everyone else had given up. And, although we only paid for DS1's consultations, our adviser gave us enough tips to also sort out DS2's early waking (2.5 years of 4:30am starts!) and DS3's night feeding (13 months of 2 feeds per night minimum). All without crying.

It's not the cheapest, but honestly they've saved my sanity.

In the meantime, your DH is being ridiculous on this topic, and you need to get him to wind his neck in. Talkingnonsense's suggestion sounded good.

Thanks for the replies.

diddl If I go to ds's bed, the same thing happens (he niggles at me all night) the only difference is, when I get up at 5 he snuggles up to dh and they get more sleep (dh tells me they sleep til 7) whereas if I get up at 5 and leave him alone in his own bed, he will cry and get fully awake and probably wake dh too.

Dh doesn't catch up with sleep during the day because he's not losing any. he doesn't sleep perfectly but I hear him snoring while I'm awake so I feel he does ok .

I agree with you that dh probably does want a break from dong the same thing every morning and it's lovely your dh gets up with your dc both weekend mornings - is his workload/sleep pattern similar to mine?

Dh gets plenty of 'downtime' at the weekends (and on weekday evenings once I get home at 5) and I focus fully on the dc once I am up (about 8.30am on the lie-in day, so not missing much!). I feel guilty about being at work and missing them, despite the fact that we live on my pay and dh does do a great job. In fact, we have had previous disagreements because dh felt I was excluding him at weekends as I would take the dc to activities without him as I enjoy the novelty of being out and alone with my dc and he would want us all to go as a family! So hard to get the balance right...

Sorry, I meant to add - I know you are sleep training DS2, but at 3.6 years he's old enough to appreciate what's going on around him and why - I wouldn't suspend it for the duration of you move.

I agree Talkingnonsese's suggestion is great and I expect it would get my point across to dh. the problem is, I wouldn't see the dc for a whole week. Ds1 I wouldn't see at all and ds2 I would only see in the night and he doesn't actually wake up. Don't think I could do it .

once you sort out your ds2 sleeping in his own bed and staying there you will feel.so much better for it and i think this will become far less of an issue.

Why can't DH go to your preschooler in the night and have a lie in with him till 7? Then your sleep won't be as disturbed. I sympathies though. My DS (1.10) spends most of the night with his arm tucked under my back or insisting he holds my arm for a snuggle. He sleeps much more soundly when he allows DH to sleep with him, but most of the time he screams if I'm not there when he wakes. I've chosen to live with it but I am a sahm and get to go to bed at 8 when the kids do!

I meant leave your son & husband together to sleep at night & you sleep some more in your son's bed on your own.

When the children were younger (& he was!) he always found it difficult to sleep in.

Would always be up at 6ish in the week/7ish weekend.

So I guess that was a lie in!

But I digress.

I do agree that 7 isn't a lie in just because you get up at 5.

Does he really need a lie in at weekends if he iss sleeping well in the week, or does he just want one?

The reason I got the weekendc lie ins was because I was the one getting the disturbed nights.

Oh I see diddl, sorry . Dh has offered to do that but I suppose it comes back to the fact that I feel guilty and a bit sad that I'm not there for the dc in the day and I want to be there for them at night .

I don't mind dh having a lie-in and I think it's not so much to catch up on sleep but more to make the weekends different from all the other days.

It's nice to see I'm not being UR and I guess this will rumble on until we finally nail ds's sleep issues. not sure we can afford to pay, especially after our upsizing-move, but may look into it.

Sometimes ours would both come in to bed & we´d all doze off again.

Sometimes husband & I would have a cup of tea in bed to wake up more slowly whilst the children played with toys on the end of the bed or cuddles & stories.

Just to make it different & not be "up & at em" the minute the children were awake.

I used to appreciate alone time at the weekend.

But then sometimes it can hurt a bit as you´ve done the boring bits in the week & then they are whisked away by for fun times.

Also, of course it´s nice to be out with another adult as well as the children & to not have full responsibility for them.

The children were always excited about daddy coming home & always wanted him when he was there!

They´re teens now-& now the dog prefers everyone to me who does everything for him!!

Well DH is offering to help you with your lack of sleep and you're not willing to do it? ( you sleeping in your ds's bed when he comes into yours)

YANBU when I was in your position (same job with one child) I did the same as you regarding work, bathtime, bedtime etc. It was the only time I got with dd1 in the day and I missed her.

On the weekend we did alternate lie ins unless I was very tired/ill, then I got both as dd1 was breastfed and I did night waking too, plus DH could nap when she did if very tired. When I did get lie ins dd1 was not allowed to disturb me until after 9am.

Now I am SAHM we still do alternates (dd2 wakes a lot in the night so I need the break). Again DH takes dd1 (3.5) and my 11 month old until 9-9.30am once I have done morning breastfeed.

Your two are older so DH should be able to keep the busy and stop them from bothering you one morning on the weekend so that you can get a decent lie in.