...to be pissed off about my boyfriend going out for hours to play cards?

[Boomerwang]

He's just discovered this circle of geeks who sit around playing fantasy card games. This will be his third night in a week where he's buggered off at baby's bedtime. The first time he stayed overnight and didn't come home til 3pm the next day. The second time he stayed out til 2am. Tonight is the third night and it's already nearly midnight.

I'm worried it'll become a very regular thing.

Now, I'm not sure what exactly is the part that's bothering me.

If he stayed home, no doubt he'd watch his tv and I'd be sat on here or fb. So I'm not missing out on anything.

Why do I feel pissed off? That he's got a life? (of sorts...) and I don't? That baby and I are his job and when she's in bed he can clock off? (He's been off work for a week due to sickness)

Anyone else got a partner who buggers off for hours?

That's not a 'partner' - that's a lodger.

It's fine if you don't mind, if you don't want to spend time together, if you get to bugger off and he looks after the baby the same amount of time.

I suspect that's not the case?

It's the thoughtlessness, he might not be up to much when he's with you of an evening, but it's him choosing to spend time with his family.

There are some things which can be totally encompassing and provide pure escapism for a while, and it's nice when you find something like that, but he's not surfacing or having a reality check and just letting himself opt out of his responsibilities.

One offs would be OK, but doing it a lot could be concerning.

Is he the type of person who has phases of things and his interest in it will wear off pretty quickly?

He's been off work and staying out at night-how does that work?
How do you feel about your relationship-is it good in other ways?
Does he get obsessive about hobbies a lot?

I'm a bit confused about his being off but managing to go out till very late at night.

It's very inconsiderate of him to stay out so late and so frequently. What is it with men that their hobbies have to be done for hours and hours at a time - golf, rugby, fishing - they're all the same.

Yeah, it's the frequency I think, and the lack of consideration. DP and I don't live together currently (he's in Germany) but one of the things he does to socialise (because he didn't know anyone when he moved there) is similar to this and I'd be happy with him going out once a week, say, to do this, but going out constantly is disrespectful to you especially if you don't get the same amount of time off. We actually have a hypothetical plan when me and DS move out that we'll each have one night a week for a regular thing outside of the home so that we both get a "night off" - and on the understanding it doesn't interfere with family life and responsibilities. Of course if there was something else that came up then we'd discuss it but generally I think I'd feel a bit hurt and abandoned if he was off 3 nights in a row and half the days too (obviously not if it's for work or something!) We also have plans to have specific nights to do stuff together too, because when we lived together before he was on nights and it was easy to slip into our pattern of mumsnet/facebook/TV/generally doing our own thing separately and I found that I missed him!

Talk to him?

Gah, paragraphs missing in that post - sorry.

YANBU. Tell him it's not on. That next week you're going to fuck off out all night and return at 3pm the next day, and then go out til 2.00 am a couple of nights later....and then again the next night. Ask him how he'd like to be sat at home on his own?

The reason for being off a week due to sickness was that we all came down with that 3 day D and V thing. He got it first, so was off work as he's a chef, then three days later when he felt fine again, my baby got it and the day after I got it, so I needed him to stay home and look after her as I was too ill to do so myself. Took three days, so that's 6 days plus the place is closed on Sundays.

Bertie your post makes me understand that I am jealous that he has somewhere to go after the day's work is done. He said that when I start work I'll make friends and I'll be bound to ask him to babysit so that I can go out. I know that won't be the case, that if I really did get all chummy with someone it'd be once in a blue moon that I'd go out and leave him with the baby, not several times a week for hours at a time.

It takes one parent to look after the baby. His thinking is that we take turns, which is fine if I had somewhere to go too. So it's always going to be him that has the wind down with his mates over a card game.

defineme your question about my relationship is pretty valid indeed as we do nothing together. He does not want 'chat' about anything. He has his face in the pc or watching tv if he's home. I talk to him and he says 'hang on I'm watching tv' when I mention he is ALWAYS doing something else and ask when I should book an appointment for a chat he says I'm talking rubbish.

About once a month I get a bit stroppy about it and then he wants to do the whole night in front of a movie with a pizza thing, and that's as far as it goes.

Ok I won't write more as this post is long, but I reckon all this hashing it out is making me realise that our time together is lacking quality and I feel he's going out looking for a better life.

Agent he does have phases of things. He considers himself an addict, that he'll swap one thing for another. It used to be computer games but we had a month of being offline and he doesn't care for offline games, so now this has grabbed his interest and he's throwing himself into it, spending £30 on two packs of cards.

He's already resentful that he has to wait til the baby's in bed or about to go to bed. His little card buddies wanted him to leave at 4pm but he waited til 7pm.

Grrr

yanbu, this would piss me right off- he sounds like a 15 year old, not a full-grown man with a partner & a baby.

i think you're going to have to spell it out to him exactly why it's not on.

also - 30 QUID on two packs of CARDS? sheesh!

that's exactly what I thought when he told me.

He wants his buddies round here on Wednesday night so I get to see what all the fuss is about.