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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to still be upset & angry with DH? He doesn't seem to know what's wrong

24 replies

BobbysBeardOfWonder · 26/01/2013 20:21

DH has been working late most of this week due to the nature of his work - lot of evening events etc. Fine, I can cope with the help of wine (we have 2 DC, 2.5yo & 8month old).
Today we were all going to go to the full day event he is involved with, it would be fun for me & the kids to see some of our friends, they can run around etc. I was especially looking forward to the event DH had got me a ticket for, which started at 1.45pm. It was my bit of kids-free time, much looked forward to.
That was the plan...

To cut a very long story short, he faffed around so much in the morning that we were too late for me to go to my event, and I got stuck with the kids while he had a meeting straight after we arrived.

I feel very taken for granted today. He knows I generally sort everything out when we're going somewhere (ie feed the kids, get bags ready etc), except today he was meant to cook me & him lunch ,but due to the enormous faffing, he didn't have time. Nor did he tell me he wouldn't have time while he was faffing upstairs - I could've had a quick sandwich had I known he would be so late.

I'm also pissed off that he made us late for the event, so I didn't get my kids-free time (sorry about that phrase, not sure how else to describe it!). I hardly ever have time on my own (am SAHM) so this hour or so meant quite a lot to me.

I came back home to put the kids to bed, and DH is still at the event. He's called & texted asking if something's wrong Angry - I'm bemused by the fact he doesn't have a clue why!

I need some perspective here - AIBU to still be upset about this?

OP posts:
Original poster
BobbysBeardOfWonder · 26/01/2013 20:26

sorry that was long Blush

OP posts:
MmmnoodlesoupIsDueXmasEve · 26/01/2013 20:27

Yanbu at all. Do you think he faffed on purpose ? Seems rather odd and selfish. You should've hurried him! Sorry you didn't get your alone time (as I call it). Can he take the kids out tomorrow?

WorraLiberty · 26/01/2013 20:28

What did the 'faffing' involve?

YANBU to be annoyed with him but YABU not to tell him why.

AgentZigzag · 26/01/2013 20:31

What kind of things was he faffing with?

Could'nt he have put the DC to bed and you stay on at the event?

Original poster
BobbysBeardOfWonder · 26/01/2013 20:32

The faffing involved sitting on the sofa, shaving his head (DIY haircut) and filling out a visa form for a business trip abroad next week! Why on earth he didn't start all of this earlier I don't know.

I don't think he faffed on purpose, I think he is crap at time management sometimes. And knowing what's important.

OP posts:
Original poster
BobbysBeardOfWonder · 26/01/2013 20:33

DC2 has a bf before bed. Unfortunately DH can't hep with that Wink

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 26/01/2013 20:33

I'm pretty good at faffing at the weekend, it takes me about an hour longer to do stuff I do all week, but I haven't got to rush against the clock.

But time just disappears.

Dozer · 26/01/2013 20:35

Sounds like he is used to taking all the time he wants to work, network etc with you providing all the childcare, so for him today was just his normality, putting himself/work first.

Does he really NEED to do ALL this evening/weekend stuff for work?

Even if he does, he should give you regular breaks when he's home.

3littlefrogs · 26/01/2013 20:36

He won't know what is wrong unless you tell him. Clearly and concisely explain what he did/did not do, what the consequences were, and how it made you feel.

If he has any decency he will make it up to you.

AgentZigzag · 26/01/2013 20:36

Aww with DC2, fair enough Grin

You have to tell him though, you can't expect him to acknowledge how you feel or take responsibility for getting his arse into gear if you've not said anything.

It's like you'd be randomly punishing him, and that does look particularly bad if it's a man doing it to a woman, so the same'd apply in your case I suppose.

Original poster
BobbysBeardOfWonder · 26/01/2013 20:37

I can understand wanting to relax a bit at the weekend. But his extreme faffing made me miss out on lunch and on a nice me-only-event Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
BobbysBeardOfWonder · 26/01/2013 20:38

Is it wise to text him how I feel, or should it wait til the morning when I'm likely to have forgotten anyway?

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 26/01/2013 20:40

Even though I've just posted the opposite Grin you could reasonably expect him to know it'd mean a lot to you and make an effort to sort himself.

badguider · 26/01/2013 20:41

Have you answered his text asking if anything is wrong? If not then I'd just text back that you're just really disappointed you missed your planned event.

FlouncingMintyy · 26/01/2013 20:42

Don't text him, speak to him. Spell it out. He is so busy that it probably hasn't occurred to him that an hour without a toddler or baby clinging on to you is a really really big deal to someone who never gets it. Make sure he understands, be angry - that's ok - but speak to him rather than doing it in a text.

nefertarii · 26/01/2013 20:43

You can't moan unless you actually tell him.

Its very passive aggressive to sulk and expect him to know what's wrong. Speak to him

theoriginalandbestrookie · 26/01/2013 20:50

Don't text it will make no sense.
Talk to him about it tomorrow, preferably as you are arranging a time for you to go off and get a coffee by yourself.

Original poster
BobbysBeardOfWonder · 26/01/2013 20:51

I know you're right nefertarii about the PA, but I also wish he understood in the first place, as Zigzag said above.

OP posts:
HollaAtMeBaby · 26/01/2013 21:28

text "we'll talk tomorrow"

then tomorrow, BF DC2, get yourself dressed and ready to go out, tell DH briefly why you are upset and say "so I'm going out today instead" then swan out of the house leaving him with both DCs and don't return until you next have to BF.

deleted203 · 26/01/2013 21:33

Holla that's great advice. I would do the same. OP YANBU to be fed up - I'd be pissed off too that I'd been looking forward to a bit of a break and because of his arsing about I got stuck with the DCs on my own AGAIN.

DontmindifIdo · 26/01/2013 21:36

I would text back "I'm upset and disappointed I didn't get to go to [event] when you promised I would be able to have some childfree time to do this. We can discuss it tomorrow, its highlighted how little 'time off' I get and how you don't seem to think it's important that you help out so I can get a break. Let's look at how to fix this, it's making me resent you and I hate feeling like that."

Then make it clear when you want to do something, talk about it as "my break" or "my time off" so he can see it in those terms as "big deal"

Original poster
BobbysBeardOfWonder · 26/01/2013 21:49

Great advice thanks

OP posts:
CloudsAndTrees · 26/01/2013 21:58

I'd be upset too, but I do think husbands need things to be spelt out to them sometimes. Mine does, and I find its a common story when talking to friends. Tell him calmly how you felt, explain why it was important to you, then tell him what you want him to do next. Give him the opportunity to make it up to you. If he doesn't, then you get to legitimately have a go at him.

BarredfromhavingStella · 26/01/2013 22:16

Holla & Dontmind both give good idea's, go with one of those as clearly you need time off & don't seem to be getting it. Yanbu to be pissed off but yabu not to say why.

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