To ask dh to quit his hell raising band.

[Elasticnipple]

He formed it and loves playing gigs,which are loud and energetic. That I don't have an issue with. Playing guitar is his passion and he is good at it.

But. He doesn't drive and relies on other band members for lifts to and from venues and I'm pretty sure they are over the limit when it comes to the journey home.

I'm always asleep when he comes home and have never had the opportunity to see the driver. When I've asked dh in the morning he says ..band member...was fine.

I have no qualms about reporting any driver to the police if I suspected they had been drinking, but I have never had the opportunity to see a number plate as I am out with our 3 dcs when it comes to his pick up time,and asleep when he returns.

I am so angry that he chooses to get in the car with a drinker,but I have no influence as I'm not there when it's time to get home. I do make him promise to get a cab if he knows the guy has been drinking,but the arse just says what I want to hear.

Actually, reading this back it's a no brainer isn't it?

Does he say they are drinking but are fine to drive? Or are you just assuming they drink?

Assuming. They post pictures on fb and I've seen a bottle of gin on stage.

"I'm pretty sure they are over the limit when it comes to the journey home."

So you don't know.

Never assume anything. If you are really worried report them, all you need would be the name of the band,venue and make/model of car.

You are making assumptions here. Never a good idea if you plan to accompany them with demands that your dh gives up something he loves.

Incidentally, it is perfectly possible to put in hell raising performances when completely sober. Of this I know.

Yeah - OP, I don't think your concern is justified. A bottle of gin on stage doesn't mean everyone in the band is drinking. Don't forget bands have kit to get back and forth from the venue, and cars are normally needed for that - so there will generally be a designated driver and lift-giver.

I wouldn't assume either.

Dh fronts a band. He doesn't drink - hasn't for 7 years. So he always does the return leg of the driving.

Your best bet might be to book a babysitter & go along to a few gigs, so you can see what the situation really is with the driving.

Failing that, just ask him - who was driving? Is it always the same bandmate or is there a rota?

Were they off the sauce entirely - is this band policy? Most gigging bands I know are v strict about it - no fun being stuck at the side of the motorway with £ks of gear in the van & no-one to drive because the wally at the wheel has just failed a breathalyser...

If the driver has sometimes had a couple - how does your dh know they didn't actually have quite a lot? How far afield are the gigs, & would a cab be a reasonable alternative?

Exactly how hell-raising do you assume they are? It's perfectly normal for a group of friends to have a designated driver. Why are you twitching the curtains when you have no reason to? Your average gigging pub band is more interested in being professional and getting re-booked than ripping out the fixtures and acting like Peter Docherty. My DP has worked with dozens of rock bands in Hollywood and elsewhere, and they were mostly slipper-wearing vegetarians who were far more conservative than you would imagine. Your husband is a grown-up with three kids; I don't see why you wouldn't trust him to behave like one.

I work with young (teenage) musicians. A favourite trick is to get an empty bottle eg of JD and fill it with cold tea. Or, vodka/water. That way it looks like they're drinking (and they can get one up on sniffy adults at gigs!) but keep hydrated. Gigging isn't highly profitable and most (adult) semi-pros i know drink sparsely due to cost. You wouldn't make anything if you got through a bottle of spirits every gig bearing in mind you'd be buying at pub prices!

Bigger issue: why don't you trust your husband?

sounds like an excuse to me.

If dh was getting a lift I would not assume he had got in a car with a drunk driver because others have been drinking.

There is either a back story to explain why you don't trust your dh (even then I don't get why you are assuming the driver is drunk) or you are looking for an excuse for him to quit the band.

That is a wild assumption. Dp is in several bands, they take it in turns to drive. We go to several gigs every week an I've never known anyone to get in a van with a drunk driver. Dp drove a van full if people last night, he was happy not to drink all night knowing the band he was driving only had one driver in their tour and the driver hadnt had a chance to drink at all their other gigs. Why don't you join him at the gig some time and see for yourself.

A no-brainer? In which direction?

It's not at all clear from your OP whether your concern is justified. I would say from what you have said so far that you perhaps are being OTT. Your DH presumably is a grown man who can make his own decisions? If that is the case, then he should be well capable of choosing whether to get in a particular vehicle with a particular driver.

A bottle of alcohol on stage means absolutely nothing.

Is there something you're not telling us?

As everyone else has said, if there is no reason to be so sure that the driver is drunk then YABU. However, why does your husband not drive? Then he could take charge of his own transport and not have to quit his band. BTW it sounds as though you resent him being part of this band and that the driving thing is an excuse - not saying that is the case, but that's how it's coming across to me.

You sound a little uptight & envious tbh (who wouldn't be, being in a band must be fabulous )

You don't know the person driving has been drinking & as your DH is, I'm assuming, a grown man it is his decision to make as to who he gets in a car with-YABU.

Just organise lessons, so he can do the driving.

It seems odd to ask him to give up something he loves when there are many solutions to the problem.

My DH is a musician and never touches a drop when he's performing (doesn't drink much at all actually) because he can't play well if he's the slightest bit woozy.

If they're playing regular gigs and getting asked back they are almost certainly not drinking too much as well, even if there's apparently a bottle of gin on stage (and isn't bourbon the hellraisers' drink of choice anyway?).

And if you're asleep when he comes home, I can't see how you could have cause even to suspect that the driver was over the limit. You were asleep. He said it was fine. YABU.