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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

if you want a child-free wedding you have to expect some people with children won't attend

46 replies

wanderingcloud · 26/01/2013 14:11

that's it basically. I'm not knocking anyone for wanting a child-free wedding. You're paying and its your day. But if you do, surely you expect that some people with kids will not go? Even if you don't have kids of your own?

AIBU to believe you should be able to think beyond your own pre-wedding bubble and see that other people have their own priorities and that might involve putting their children first?

OP posts:

PeggyCarter · 26/01/2013 14:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Snazzynewyear · 26/01/2013 14:14

YANBU. Same for issuing evening only invites to a weekday wedding to people who live more than 2 hours' drive away. I swear some couples think guests should build their own time machines to accommodate the Blessed Day's requirements.

onetiredmummy · 26/01/2013 14:16

Hahaha OP, depends how much of a bridezilla you have there.

To my mind, I would expect some people not to come yes, but then it is not my Big Day When you have a wedding to plan you can go a bit crazy, don't let them bother you :)

Jins · 26/01/2013 14:16

This is because they feel that you have to be invited but they aren't bothered either way whether you are there.

Go or don't go but don't let it upset you

ShephardsDelight · 26/01/2013 14:17

YANBU

not everyone has access to a babysitter etc.

Pigsmummy · 26/01/2013 14:18

I see where you are coming from, I am feeling terrible as I have to decline an invite because it's child free and not in this country (I have a baby) both are their choice yet I feel bad?! They should really expect declines for this reason shouldn't they? I am expecting some come back from the decline, expressing disappointment and questioning our decision but it's their choice to get married overseas and not invite my dependant!

I got married, it wasn't child free as that would have alienated most of my family but it was in half term holiday so I expected that some people couldn't come if they had booked a family holiday and I was fine with that.

redexpat · 26/01/2013 14:18

YANBU. But I'd love to know the backstory... I'm guessing a bridezilla is marrying your Bro, or Dhs bro, in some faraway castle, which means an expensive stay overnight, where you don't have anyone who can babysit and is throwing a hissy fit because you're not coming.

Or is this just a thread about a thread?

DoJo · 26/01/2013 14:18

Whilst I agree that it is reasonable to expect some people not to come, your last sentence seems to imply that anyone who does attend a child-free wedding isn't putting their children first which I don't necessarily agree with - children can benefit enormously from time spent without their parents.

DoJo · 26/01/2013 14:21

Of course that might just be my reading of it because I'm leaving my son with his GPs for the first time to go to a wedding, and I'm a little apprehensive about it because even if everything goes swimmingly, I'll really miss him!

expatinscotland · 26/01/2013 14:23

People say they're giving couples a chance to have a lovely child-free time. They're doing their guests a favour in that.

Madmum24 · 26/01/2013 14:27

^ Many people would love child free time, but unless the bride/groom are paying for an on site babysitting service then that won't be an option for many. Not everyone could afford a babysitter/have access to family/consider leaving small children on an overnighter.

specialsubject · 26/01/2013 14:29

an invite is optional. If you can't or don't want to go, just decline politely. No need for angst.

irlouise13 · 26/01/2013 14:31

Its a wedding invite, not a court summons, you don't have to go and the bride/groom prob don't care all that much!

LittleChimneyDroppings · 26/01/2013 14:35

My dh's younger sister is getting married soon. 6 hour drive away and no children invited. We have no one to baby sit for that length of time, but sil is very pissed off that we can't make it. She cant have it both ways though.

Original poster

wanderingcloud · 26/01/2013 14:36

Sorry dojo didn't mean to imply leaving your children isn't putting them first. Of course sometimes it's great, if you have suitable childcare it can be brilliant for everyone.

But the expectation that everyone can/should have to arrange suitable childcare for a weekend not of their choosing.

I wouldn't care if the bride in question wasn't bothered if I attend. Apparently though, I must. But I can't bring DS (18 months) or bf 3 month old

OP posts:

FredFredGeorge · 26/01/2013 14:36

Of course you do. I think you have a strange idea of what a wedding invite is - it's not an expectation that you'll attend, it's an invitation to attend if you want to and it's convenient...

I've never met anyone who has the opposite view though... so I'm not sure why you're asking. what is someone actually doing?

Whathaveiforgottentoday · 26/01/2013 14:37

YANBU

We had a almost childfree wedding but there were a few very young babies there as they were too young to be left behind, plus a couple of friends who dont have the luxury of grandparent babysitters so again they brought their kids.

Most left them behind and enjoyed a child free night.

We expressed in the invitation that we'd rather they didn't bring their children but if it wasn't possible, then we'd rather they were there with kids than not at all.

We felt it was important that our friends could attend. I suppose it depends on how important your friends and family are to you.

dreamingbohemian · 26/01/2013 14:38

I think that's fair, yes, the couple should not expect everyone to attend.

But from what I can tell, most couples actually don't expect this. Rather, the people who can't come are the ones all angstful and upset, as if an invitation does equal expectation.

Just decline and move on, unless the couple obviously pressures you I think you can assume they understand and are not bothered.

Pandemoniaa · 26/01/2013 14:38

... you don't have to go and the bride/groom prob don't care all that much!

Strange to go to the bother of inviting them in the first place if this is the case!

YANBU, OP. it is the bride and groom's choice of course but provided they accept that some people may not attend then fine. It gets very unreasonable when guests are expected to justify why they've declined the invitation and, quite frankly, it takes the piss when child-free weddings are dressed up as opportunities to be away from your children.

expatinscotland · 26/01/2013 14:39

'I wouldn't care if the bride in question wasn't bothered if I attend. Apparently though, I must. But I can't bring DS (18 months) or bf 3 month old '

Tell her no. There's no 'must'. It's an invite.

dreamingbohemian · 26/01/2013 14:39

What exactly has she said to indicate that you must attend?

GoldPlatedNineDoors · 26/01/2013 14:39

I agree OP and I dont mind at all if Im.invited to a childfree wedding as I have access to a babysitter. I appreciate that a lot of people dont though.

If I was invited to a child free wedding of a colleague or distant relatve I would decline, if without childcare, but if it was a best friend or very close family member, one of DH or I would go and the other would stay home with dd.

HecateWhoopass · 26/01/2013 14:40

They are being unreasonable.
What have they suggested you do with your children?
You have to attend?
Erm, actually. No, you don't.
Weddings send some people dolally.

fairylightsinthesnow · 26/01/2013 14:44

Littlechimney in your case, could your DP not go alone? It is odd not to attend a sibling's wedding assuming they have a good relationship. Generally I agree with the OP. we usually leave our two pre-schoolers with GP for things like this but when we got married we made it ultra child friendly as our two obviously had to be there so we had a bouncy castle and loads of toys (think the kids had a better time than the grown-ups actually)

Original poster

wanderingcloud · 26/01/2013 14:50

It's an old school friend.

To be fair, the expectation hasn't come direct from the bride but been passed on from mutual friends.

It's all a bit too teenage drama "thought you should know she said to so and so that blah blah blah" to get into details?

I'm just that everyone in said friendship group feels IABU to not go. It's not close by and would involve an overnight stay etc...

OP posts:

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