to be mad with dh

[city1984]

Last night ds had an accident. It involved me taking ds to hospital. Dh couldn't do it as he had to stay in. So he looked after 4 month ok dd. She was unsettled. He tried all the usual stuff to calm her. Nothing worked so he put her in cot and lef her to cry whilst he sat watching tv. She eventually went to sleep. I know he may not have been able to calm her. (Probably needed breast for comfort) but leaving her crying in the cot so he could watch tv. Surely he could have done more.(Think she cried for half an hour)

I agree with you Sudaname

AreYouADurtBird I have no criticism whatsoever to make of you - of course having PND and feeling like you might harm yourself is just as much of a reason as feeling you might harm the baby. It must have been terrible.

My point is that leaving a 4mo to cry it out isn't appropriate unless you really have no other choice - and IMO the op's dh should not have done it. It sounded to me as though he did it because he thought it was OK and didn't want to spend any more time trying to soothe a crying baby.

I'd be beyond cross with dh if he did this, particularly in one so young. But then I'm not an advocate of CIO, CC or anything similar. I have 4 children aged 23 to 12months and was co-sleeping and bf'ing when it was quite uncommon, especially for an 18year old. But I figure a baby cries because it needs something...

Luckily for me, I know dh wouldn't leave ours to cry. In fact I've come home to both of them crashed on the sofa in front of the tv before!

If, and I hope not, put in a similar situation then take the baby with you too. The hospital will understand I'm sure.

Thank you Zookeeper

Greensleeves l do not have to justify myself to you or anyone else on here. .Do not dare to think that gives you the right to infer that l or anyone else who disagrees with you and people in your camp was a bad mother to my children.

As l have already said the fact both my DCs grew up at every stage, happy confident and loving right up to well balanced lovely adults today, exonorates me and others of my view far more than any PA little volleyball games and sarcasm ever will you.

volleyball? fgs

No, your assertion that your children are "lovely adults" certainly doesn't "exonorate" any dubious parenting practices you may have used. The indomitable human spirit is a wonderful thing. And childrearing isn't an exact science, you don't add two drops of this and a pinch of that and guarantee perfect results.

Most parents make mistakes. Apart from you, I mean.

OP, if you can be arsed to skip over all this nonsense - I would probably sit down with my dh over tea and biscuits when I was no longer pissed off, and talk about what is and isn't acceptable parenting to both of you. New babies don't come with an instruction manual, but we all have lines we don't want crossed, and for me - maybe for you too - leaving such a young baby to cry alone isn't on.

I would be upset too.

especially as your DD is only 4 months old.

he should get a check on that patience of his.
I'm not a very patient person either, but I wouldn't leave anybody's 4 month old baby in a cot to cry herself to sleep

My DH doesn't really have a clue (and no sense of urgency), but whenever DD has been upset like that, he's paced the room with her for more than an hour whilst trying to calm her. He would never dream of putting a screaming baby down in a cot!

:( AreYouADurtBirdOrALadyBird

you were justified because you had PND and you have to find ways of coping without feeling you might hurt yourself or the baby
this man doesn't have PND.

Stilll with you Sudaname

I am curious now. At what point would those who think it's terrible leave a crying baby, if at all? If it's not OK at four months when do you think it is ok? Or is it never ok?

Well for me, never which is why I'm up eleventy times a night still but advocates of CC systems including the health visitors agree you can start at six months.

i think advocates say 6 months, but I think I wouldn't do it at less than 10 months (based on my own DD)

but even now, she wouldn't settle if I did it on her - she just gets more and more worked up.
:(

it's strange though isn't it? Why is it ok at six but not at five or four?

If the baby is not hungry and safe and warm then I really don't see an issue in leaving it to settle.

In some ways it is strange, yes, because it is horrible to leave even adults to cry alone IMO. But the argument that 6months is ok is to do with cognitive development. Although there is considerable evidence it is still not ok at 6 months, or 12 months, or older. So basically, those in favour say not before 6 months and those against say not at all. No-one says its ok at 4 months, except anecdotally.

For me, certainly not before the child is old enough to tell me what's wrong.

Leaving a child the way OP's dh did is not leaving her to settle, it is leaving her to cry herself to sleep. I can see no good reason for that other than the obviously extreme circumstances that have already been alluded to. Leaving the baby to cry it out while watching TV and thinking "oh well, she's safe/warm, let her get on with it" is never acceptable in my opinion.

I'm confused by the responses here.

If anyone comes along and says they let their young baby cry it out they get absolutely flamed (rightly so). But a dh has done that here and that's fine???

He could have and should have been comforting her, at the very least patting and cuddling or walking around with her.

Shutting her in a room and ignoring her isn't good parenting.

Most people haven't said it's fine though Fairylea. It looks that way because those who have have been strident and rude about it.

My dh can't settle out baby (8 months) 9 times out of 10. He is too used to being bf to help him settle. But what dh would not do is leave the baby alone to cry. He would sit in the bedroom, or bring the baby down to watch tv. That way at least the baby knows they haven't been abandoned, even if they still cry.

Blimey to think I've been blissfully unaware of my unacceptable parenting all these years..

I think leaving the baby safe, fed and warm to settle in its cot whilst pottering around downstairs -or upstairs - is fine. I an only talk of my own experience but my three seemed to thrive on it and are happy and well-adjusted now. I put that down to their knowing they were loved rather than their "indomitable human spirit"

I know I would have been a far worse parent had I too not got rest after their bedtime.

Each to their own; no need for the nastiness on this thread.

But you went for a shower and left your child to cry... why is he in the wrong for that one? Maybe he didnt hear the child cry?

In our house, if one adult is in the bath, the other is automatically on duty. The OP is surely allowed a shower and expect the child's father to respond to his own child? Or is she supposed to cut her shower short just because he can't be arsed to see what's up?

YaNbu I'd be seriously p'd off if mine did that

As 13iggis said

And childrearing isn't an exact science, you don't add two drops of this and a pinch of that and guarantee perfect results

Exactly Greensleeves so as l have already stated you therefore have no right to decide that l was a bad parent along with everybody else in my camp and you are a good parent along with everyone in the camp that agrees with you.

As far as the sarcastic comments about me thinking l can never make mistakes as a parent, anyone who cares to read my previous posts can see that l have never said or implied that. Only that my DCs have suffered no ill effects from occasionally been left to cry and as l took great care to stress, unless they are screaming or appear in pain or may be hungry thirsty etc - iows when all else fails. I am speaking out at being called a bad parent by you - which you seem determined to make stick by now implying l am a know it all, because l do not buy in to the letter what you believe.

You dont decide whether l 'made a mistake' or not and certainly not whether l was a bad parent. In 20 years from now the child psychologists etc might have gone full circle and decide it is perfectly ok to leave a baby to self settle even if crying, if you have tried everything many times and eliminated all the obvious factors. Would you and others who agree with your theory be then fair game to be told you were actually practising bad parenting - you did it all wrong.

No of course not and imo it will never be resolved 100% - how can it be - babies cant tell us and by the time theyre old enough to do so they'll have forgotten how they felt. So if your DCs turn out fine and mine turn out fine - then with mine it justs pure luck and the indominitable human spirit that has prevailed despite my bad parenting practice. With yours though it will of course be down to your good parenting practises .

Thank you Zookeeper once again. You are right there is no need whatsoever for these nasty remarks.

Poor op, surely she's allowed a shower and expect that DP would see to baby.

I think it's erroneous to suggest that because a baby's physical needs are taken care of then there's no need to attend to crying. I would be seriously
Ossed off with my dh if he did that, but it's probably just seething that you bth need to talk about and resolve.

Fwiw, my parents smoked furiously throughout my childhood (long, long time ago) We grew up in a cloud of the grey stuff. I've heard them say that they didn't know the health risks (bollocks). Was it potential harmful? Yes. Am I ok? I think so, although I had multiple ear infections as a child which have been attributed to everything except the obvious environmental cause. Do I hate them for it?no. But it was still not the right thing to do.

The smoking is a good analogy emily. A specific child (or even two or three) showing no signs of harm is not evidence that a practice is harmless. But most people know that I think.

Of course I "have the right" to post that your choice was the wrong one. This is a discussion forum. You think leaving a little baby alone to cry it out is fine. I think it's appalling. We both have the right to post. If you find it uncomfortable reading, that's really just tough. I don't have the right, as you say, to call you a bad parent. But since I did no such thing, there's n problem there either.

OMG my spelling. Blame iPad.