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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think there must be more than this

33 replies

Samnella · 25/01/2013 23:50

I am feeling Sorry for myself and need a moan.

DH works full time and an hours commute away. I work close to home for 32 hours a week so basically just finish a little early on Friday to do the school pick up. Both DCs in before and after school club.

DH is meant to take the DCs to breakfast club but this has started to slip due to him saying he needs to be early. The result is I am doing everything; getting the DCs ready in the morning, rushing like a loon to work, working through lunch, rushing up to school to collect, making dinner, putting washing on, homework, bathing all interspersed with the not listening and fighting and losing shoes, forgetting homework . Etc.

My weekend is spent rushing cleaning and organising. It's me that taxes the car, checks the bank account, buys birthday presents etc.

DH gets home around 8 and does the bare minimum as far as house stuff is concerned. I am just so darn fed up. But I feel trapped. If I reduce my hours I will have to step down, there will be a huge imbalance in the house. DH wants ne to earn more bit less.

Just feel at breaking point.

OP posts:
Original poster
Samnella · 25/01/2013 23:52

And I am a shit mother as I am constantly at the end of my tether.

OP posts:
quoteunquote · 25/01/2013 23:57

Sit down and talk it out, the balance isn't working for you,

If he lived on his own, he would have to cook, wash, clean, tidy, attend to friendships and family, tax cars, and all the rest of it, so no excuses.

make a list of things ha can do from work, food shop on line, tax cars, buy presents,

He also has children, he needs to do some parenting, that not just the fun stuff,

Keep working at it, until you get a balance that suits everyone, not just him.

Booyhoo · 25/01/2013 23:59

you're not a shit mother, you're just doing more than you can manage right now.

have you talked with DH about sharing the workload more fairly?
are there things that could be dropped from the activities or house work schedule?
could you (both of you!) have a cleaner come in a few hours a week?
could DH reduce his hours or do some work from home to share school runs/cooking?

Original poster
Samnella · 26/01/2013 00:24

Thank you. He has no internet access at work and cannot work at home. I just feel mighty peeved.I have thought about a cleaner and luckily we can afford one but I don't like the idea of a stranger in my house. I have thought about going PT but have worked so hard to get where I am after a long few years as a SAHM where DH regarded me as a "leech" as I didn't work. Now he complains I don't earn enough and reminds me how he earns 3x what I do. Its all just pants. No one warned me of this with grown up life.

OP posts:
Original poster
Samnella · 26/01/2013 00:27

Me working less world cause a power imbalance and I know it world be thrown in my face. Working less would be better for me and the children but would cause issues in our relationship. I can't go back to how it was when I was SAHM.

OP posts:
MMMarmite · 26/01/2013 00:29

"DH regarded me as a "leech" as I didn't work. Now he complains I don't earn enough and reminds me how he earns 3x what I do."

Shock That's awful. An absolutely horrible way to treat you.

Original poster
Samnella · 26/01/2013 00:38

I know. :'(

I tried to have it out last night but it turned into a row with him saying imagine how much easier our lives world be if you had the guts to just go for it and earn the same money as me. He happens to be exceptionally well paid and has 20 years experience. I pointed out that world be us both coming in at 8 to which he said we would get a nanny. Been there and di e that and irs not that east. If it is you are lucky. He makes me feel a failure for not having this career he thinks i should have. I feel a failure when i stand at the school gates and don't know the mums and wonder if that's the reason my 4 year old never gets invited to the friends houses when i see them all going off together and he s not doing well with bloody phonics but i have no patience to spend with him. I just spend my time shouting at them. Its rubbish. DH is not in a bed of rises either. Working and then commuting for an four each way.

OP posts:
Original poster
Samnella · 26/01/2013 00:39

Darn phone.

OP posts:
Einsty · 26/01/2013 00:40

What a dick. He seems to have no appreciation for what really makes life work for a fam

Einsty · 26/01/2013 00:41

Sorry: for what works for a family. Certainly he is a leech who is taking advantage of the fact you are doing everything

MMMarmite · 26/01/2013 00:52

So he thinks you're only worthy of respect if the number on your salary is the same as his? That's horrible, shallow, and completely unrealistic - different jobs have different earning potentials, and you've made and are making a huge contribution to family life by doing the childcare and housework that enables him to hold down his job.

I don't know what to advise at all. Do you think there's any way he'll see reason, or is this attitude long term and ingrained?

AbigailAdams · 26/01/2013 00:59

Leave, seriously. He has no respect for you or the amount of work you are doing (or how knackered you must be). This hasn't appeared to have changed despite obviously talking about it.his attitude won't change because it is entrenched. So either you will have to put up with it or be free of it.

Original poster
Samnella · 26/01/2013 01:02

Pretty ingrained. I organise the finances because he just doesn't bother and he had the audacity to complain how I was spending 'his' money. I told him every penny is accounted for and on the house spending spreadsheet if he could bother to look. Its just so frustrating. I had to change careers after 5 years at a SAHM and felt so lucky to get a part time job (of sorts) but now I feel the sacrifice is too great. I feel so out of it at the school gate what with all the little groups and so out of ir at work because I am not full time and just so tired of doing everything.

OP posts:
BlueyDragon · 26/01/2013 01:02

You are not a shit mother. You are doing two jobs and your DH is doing one but it sounds like your DH doesn't see that. I don't really have any advice to offer - this thread might be better off in Relationships - but YADNBU to have a rant on here, nor to expect your DH to value you more and help out more.

AbigailAdams · 26/01/2013 01:04

Second BlueyDragon too. You are not a shit mother. You just have a shit husband.

Original poster
Samnella · 26/01/2013 01:05

His reasoning is nit entirely wrong. He has no flexibility and commutes so he can't be at the school to pick up. I do have that flexibility so ir falls onto my shoulders. Still feels I have the raw end if the deal though.

OP posts:
apostropheuse · 26/01/2013 01:07

YANBU He sounds like a complete and utter arsehole.

Seriously, why are you with him? Do you actually love a man who puts you down like this? What does he bring to your life to enrich it? What would you be losing if he wasn't there?

You're not a shit mother. You're a mother who's under a tremendous amount of pressure and not only do you not have support from your husband, but you have entirely the opposite. He's critical, demanding and basically is eating away at your self-worth bit by bit.

Men like that make me so bloody angry.

InsomniaQueen · 26/01/2013 01:21

I really feel for you - being at odds with your DH is bloody crap and when your up to your eyes you don't have as much patience as you would like but that doesn't make you a rubbish mother. The fact that your actually thinking about how this will affect your kids shows that you are being a good mother.

I have had a lot of ups and downs with DH this year (mostly downs), we kept having huge fights every time we tried to talk about anything. In the end I gave up and I told him I'd given up - I refused to be the person life was turning me into and either we both change or I would be leaving.

It took a few hours for it to sink in but once he realised I was serious he started to get his head on correctly. I understand that he has a commute and long hours but that doesn't mean that everything you do has no value or that he works harder than you. If you add up the time your at work, taking the kids back and forth, shopping, cleaning, cooking ect I'm certain your hours would be longer than his. I do hope you can find a way to a little bit of calm and some happiness.

Original poster
Samnella · 26/01/2013 01:27

Thanks. I see you live up to your name. :)Its good to hear someone else having what sounds like similar issues rather than the LTB comments. I am with him for many reasons and am only showing the worse side. People are many things and I am not stupid. Leaving is an option but not the right one now. I just wanted to know if I was bring reasonable Feeling hard done by.

OP posts:
StinkyWicket · 26/01/2013 02:10

YANBU OP. Your husband sounds like an utter cock, I couldn't (and wouldn't, as I am working and DH is a SAHD) behave like that.

Mosman · 26/01/2013 02:18

So what exactly is his solution to all this ?
I "went for it" career wise and got a nanny who created work for me when I got home in terms of washing up, children paint dried onto to the kitchen table, brushes in the sink etc and unfed children. Now I admit we got a crap one but nobody admits to being bone idol at the job interview do they ?
We ended up dropping balls left right and centre, spent what ever I earnt on quick solutions to stop us falling apart and the children were stressed. I will never do that to them again.
So ask old smarty pants exactly what he will do to arrange the childcare so you can go off and conquer the world. And when you do, save up your money and leave the bastard.

VestaCurry · 26/01/2013 02:26

YANBU. Your husband is being bullying and undermining. I hope you manage to sort this, be assured it's not normal behaviour in a relationship. Sure, everyone has rows, but he is destroying your confidence. Be proud of what you have achieved, rebuilding a career after being a sahm etc.
He needs to pull his weight, you can't do everything. I don't know how you persuade him on this because he sounds very arrogant and not interested in listening to your point of view,
If you can afford to have a cleaner, you should. You'll soon get over the idea of having a 'stranger' in the house. It will save some of your sanity and stop you burning out.

Unacceptable · 26/01/2013 02:51

It sounds like you are doing everything.
Absolutely everything.

That isn't a partnership.

What does he actually do other than work? Does he work at the weekend?

Will important things be left undone if you hand them over to him?

Kafri · 26/01/2013 03:08

So your H (ill leave the D off that one) thinks you should be earning what he does and that's the only way you'll get respect?

You're feeling sorry for him as he works FT and has an hours commute?

He spends no quality time with the kids he helped create

And

He wants you to work more and hire someone else to raise your kids?

That about the jist of it...?

  1. You're not a bad mother - you're a stretched mother!!
  2. He's a poor father - earning money does not make you a good dad
  3. He's a poor husband - earning money dies not make a good husband
  4. He's a knob!

What sort of example is he setting those kids of yours...

LondonKitty · 26/01/2013 03:12

Definitely get a cleaner. You will get used to someone in your house and it is more than worth it. You simply can't work 32 hours AND do the housework.

He's being a jerk. I don't know what your career aspirations are, but if you do want to spend more time at home with the kids, he needs to be told that a high powered career isn't on the cards for you and he needs to get over that. And fundamentally is he saying that he values nice holidays over a stable family and a happy wife and kids?

I do think many men nowadays seem to have this resentment about being the main provider. Yet at the same time, they don't see the need to share household and childcare tasks.

I really sympathise.