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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not like DD going to sleepovers

48 replies

bigbadbarry · 25/01/2013 18:37

Because I miss her! DDs 2 and 3 are here causing chaos as usual, but I just like everybody here tucked up safe. I am pathetic ;)

OP posts:
seeker · 25/01/2013 21:22

All the more reason for not letting a skewed view of the world impact on your children.

SummerRainIsADistantMemory · 25/01/2013 22:05

Hear hear. My mother never let me go on sleepovers for similar reasons and it was horrible never getting to join my friends.

My friend had a massive sleepover for her 18th when I was just under 17 and I wasn't allowed go 'because I don't know them and they might film you or rape you' Confused I mean, wtf?!

andtheycalleditbunnylove · 25/01/2013 22:12

by seventeen people are old enough to make up their own minds!

andtheycalleditbunnylove · 25/01/2013 22:15

I'm quite confident she hasn't gone off to be abused! She is staying with her best friend, whose mum is one of my best friends! There are 6 children
Grin jolly good!

and sukysue, i think you are quite right.

Loshad · 25/01/2013 22:20

sukysue i think your attitude could also almost fall into the abusive kind, you are really infringing on your dcs relationships with their peers Sad. Don't what to abysit for other people - how small minded is that. And FWIW DH in his job also runs across many cases of abuse, as do i in mine, but we are not foolish enough to extrapolate that to people we know, who we invite to our house for meals and drink, and whose children our dc get on with.

SummerRainIsADistantMemory · 25/01/2013 22:20

Not if the party is in the middle of nowhere and I needed a lift!

Usually when she was being crazy I just went anyway but the party was 20 miles outside the city so my usual tactics failed me.

I fucked off into town clubbing instead Grin

My point was, her crazy notions were unhealthy and meant I was the one who lost out so I massively resented her for it.... I still do tbh.

The weird thing was, the one place I was allowed to sleep over was my cousin's house.... And his mom was properly abusive and crazy. But that was ok coz it was family Hmm

pourmeanotherglass · 25/01/2013 22:33

DD had a sleepover party for her 10th birthday - they had a lovely time (and even got some sleep). She has only slept over with one friend so far.
I guess this might get scarier when they are at secondary school, and I don't really know their friends parents, but I wouldn't worry about her staying with her closest primary school friends, as we have known the families for quite a few years now.
I know what you mean about it feeling odd when you go to bed and one of them isn't home. My girls went to brownie camp together - we had a lovely evening together, and I didn't really miss them until I went to bed, and then it just felt a bit odd knowing they weren't there

drmummmsy · 25/01/2013 22:38

why is it thought that are children more susceptible to abuse at sleepovers than just playing over at friends/random encounter - is it because it's a longer period of time?

bigbadbarry · 26/01/2013 08:34

Is it the pyjama thing? I wondered that too

OP posts:
NanaNina · 26/01/2013 12:36

I think this worry about abuse is totally disproportionate. Sukysue says she has seen more abuse than she cares to say. I was a social worker for over 30 years so I've seen a great deal of abuse/neglect and god knows what else. However I agree with Seeker that it's all the more reason not to let a skewed view of the world impact on your children.

It is true that when working with families with problems that the abnormal can begin to see normal, especially if you are doing it for years and years and I think that's why doctors and nurses sometimes appear indifferent to our aches and pains. That's another story so won't hi jack the thread.

Someone says they are worried about when the child goes to secondary school because you don't know the parents. In these situations you would surely phone the parent first and insist on taking your child rather than having her picked up and you can soon get the "lie of the land" - shouldn't be a problem.

Children can get abused anywhere - paedophiles are predators and will seek children out. They will be anywhere where there are children/young people. They will get jobs as assistants in chidren's homes, youth club workers, tennis coaches, cubs/scouts, nursery workers, teachers, transporting disabled children to clubs ete etc etc. I actually know someone who was involved in all of those things, and did a lot of damage before he was found out.

Just thinking that it would be very difficult for the bloke who lives in the house (father of the host child) to walk into a room with about 6 kids in beds and sleeping bags to clamber over them all and start to abuse one of them...........can't see it somehow.

mrsjay · 26/01/2013 12:40

I hate it when dds are not here and 1 of mine is nearly 20 and talking about moving out soon what am i going to do when she leaves I think it is maternal thing but we wave them off anyway, wait until she is off to the pub and you can't sleep until she staggers home Blush Yanbu to feel like you do,

mrsjay · 26/01/2013 12:42

suky if you are a nurse you have to see that not all people will abuse and hurt children especially yours It is quite worrying you feel the way you do that your children could be abused on a sleepover,

Lostonthemoors · 26/01/2013 12:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AmberLeaf · 26/01/2013 12:54

I never went on sleepovers. We never had them at ours either, partly because all the beds were taken with us and foster children!

My children have never been on sleepovers either, other than grandparents having them.

I don't think its over the top to worry about abuse. I would let a random adult sleep in my house when my children were there, so I wouldn't let them sleep somewhere with a random adult.

Think it would depend on how well I knew the family and mainly whether or not my children wanted to go.

They've never asked to go to a sleepover. we sometimes stay at friends of mine who have children similar ages though, maybe that ticks the sleepover box for them.

andtheycalleditbunnylove · 26/01/2013 17:21

sukysue i think your attitude could also almost fall into the abusive kind, you are really infringing on your dcs relationships with their peers

this ridiculous comment defines mumsnet. the place where people put 'sounding politically correct' above a mother's wish to keep her child safe.

jellybeans · 26/01/2013 17:33

YANBU. I don't enjoy doing them as like my privacy and personal space, along with having 5 of my own and little sleep. But I do do them for the sake of the kids, just not that often. Kids love them and they are a fun part of childhood. I wouldn't let them go before 7 or 8 though and if I wasn't sure of the parents. Eg wouldn't let them go somewhere with vicious dogs or whose parents let them out on the streets all day. I feel better when they are all home though.

seeker · 26/01/2013 17:37

"this ridiculous comment defines mumsnet. the place where people put 'sounding politically correct' above a mother's wish to keep her child safe."

Nope. People might be putting common sense and rationality over paranoia, thought!

Hulababy · 26/01/2013 17:51

I thought stats should that most abuse happens within the home by family and very close friends??? So do people then prevent their child from spending time alone with family and family friends too?

IMO there is a problem with being over protective and not letting our children gain a little bit of safe independence away from us parents. DD would really lose out if she wasn't allowed to go to sleepovers. They have always been popular among her friends - possible more so as a small class of just girls?? They love it. They spend the evening in Pjs giggling and whispering and having hot chocolate and biscuits, some sleep Hmm and then the fun of waking up in same room for more giggling and chatting.

I have worked in schools long enough to hear and see the effects of abuse. But I still realise that it is still pretty uncommon, especially from non family/family friends. And I think so long as you have some basic guidelines in place and your child has an open relationship with you, the risk is minimal.

HoHoHoNoYouDont · 26/01/2013 17:58

My mum stopped my sleepovers when she found out the host dad occasionally fell asleep with a ciggie in his hand after coming home from the pub.

exoticfruits · 26/01/2013 19:21

People might be putting common sense and rationality over paranoia, thought!

Such a shame for the DCs when people don't do this. I shocked that people think it is good for DCs to have such smothering parents. (I suspect that either the DCs gets free eventually and never goes back or they are stuck at home fearful of the world).

SummerRainIsADistantMemory · 26/01/2013 19:36

In my case I moved out at barely 17 to escape my smothering mother. Best thing I ever did.

ChoudeBruxelles · 26/01/2013 19:47

DS is going on his first sleepover at a friends in a couple of weeks (he has stayed with GPs before). He's really excited - I'm a bit nervous but I wouldn't let him know it or stop him from going.

bigbadbarry · 26/01/2013 19:50

Apparently they all went to sleep at 10 :) So apart from being a bit pale and grumpy with her sisters today, all fine (and perhaps I should have said she has been on plenty of sleepovers before, so I wasn't nervous about her! Just the house feels a bit funny with one of them away)

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