Baby due and what to do about FIL who I refuse to speak to (sorry long)

[Piercy]

Hi

I'll try and keep this short, my other half is Scottish (I am English), and his parents separated when he had moved out of the family home.

My OH mum is lovely and new partner, but I have an issue with OH father. He has never settled since the marriage broke down (which is 15 years plus) whilst he does have bedsit of his own and will stay there he tends to roam the UK (and europe) at family and friends until they ask him to leave.

I know that OH mum did see the back hand of FIL and he does like his drink, anyway about 3 years ago FIL was staying (for a few days) and we were chatting whilst OH was in the kitchen cooking dinner, and the conversation turned (by FIL) on how Scotland should be independent from England, England was good for nothing, and just ranted anti-English - in the end OH had to come in and tell his Dad to end this conversation.

I was raging he was in our home, taking our hospitality, eats drinks, does nothing to assist with food, or jobs round the house, but I never had chance to say anything.

A few weeks later he disappeared, OH was really worried we couldn't get him on the mobile phone, no one knew where he was, we had the police put a note under his bedsit door to ask him to get in contact - nothing, we asked the landlord to enter the bedsit as we were starting to think maybe he had a heart attack in the bedsit couldn't get to the door, no nothing in the bedsit.

It caused arguments between me and OH as he had paid £10k for a course and was talking about going up North to try and find him and miss the course (there are other siblings but they didn't seem to care, in fact his own daughter won't speak to her Dad because of the way he behaves especially when he has a drink inside him), I was ringing him and leaving messages. Anyway we tracked him down in a pub in Germany. I was raging again I couldn't believe the stress he had put us through and not a care in the world.

I've since requested an apology for the anti-English comments in my home, and for the disappearing act - nothing. OH has spoken to him and all he gets is yeah yeah I will -but OH has said to me that FIL won't do what he doesn't want to do.

We have seen each other at family events and I've not wanted to cause a scene so on the first occasion he came to give me a peck on the cheek and say hi and I said "I think you and I need to have a conversation before this happens again" and he walked off. I've told OH he is not welcome in our house.

Anyway there is now a baby on the way and I want my child to have the great relationship with its grandparents that I had with mine however I don't want this man in my house, I don't want him at the hospital.

3 weeks ago OH spoke to FIL again about the apology he owes me, and he said he will organise something when he was back in Scotland but I've heard nothing and I refuse to chase

I don't want to roll over and just this drop I can't put in to words, how rude he was and how we've got "Brian does what Brian wants" (name changed).

What do I do?

P

Dont back down either he apologises or he doesnt get to come to your house to see his gc. Trust me if you back down his behaviour will get worse.

I'd do nothing, not my father.
your OH can tell him about baby.

if he wants to come and see, great, let him. I wouldn't expect an apology and certainly wouldn't force it on him as a condition to see new baby.

If he apologizes great, but I don't think he should stay in your house anymore, ever again.

try and forgive him, or try and feel sorry for him.

and it is not very likely that he'll have a great relationship with your child, but there's no point deciding yet what will happen.

I'm sorry you have this situation, but I really think you should try and ignore what he does or says - just like a toddler with a tantrum, he is seeking attention. don't indulge him.

Be realistic. From your description of this man it sounds highly unlikely that he will recreate with your baby the good relationship you had with your grandparents, so why let his appalling past behaviour drop in the hope of something that is totally unrealistic.

you could just say to him, "look I wanted you to apologize, but I see you probably won't.
so I forgive you, because I know that are much more important things in the world, than a drunken rant from a selfish person. I forgive you and it makes me feel good.
if you ever decide you want to say sorry I'll listen, but right now you are not ready. it doesn't matter. I forgive you anyway"

I only needed to read the sentence 'I know that OH mum did see the back hand of FIL' to think that this is man I would not want any where near my child, or in my life at all. He sounds like a total shit.

Don't regret a relationship for your DC that will never happen, - you can't turn him into a nice man. Instead concentrate on the good people - your MIL and her partner - they will provide all the grandparent love your child needs.

Good luck with your new baby, - don't let the toxic waste of space that is your FIL spoil a joyous time in your life.

I don't see that the baby changes anything. He's still not someone you need in your life.

Actually, I'm wrong. The baby is a very good reason to be even more resolute to not have anything to do with him. You don't want your child exposed to that.

he isn't your grandparents. What you had with them is not what you would be giving your child.

He won't bring anything to enrich your baby's life.

Dont waste your time worrying about this, he isn't worrying about you.

I think Independence brings strong feelings to a lot of people.

Are you sure he was being anti English toward you, maybe anti Westminster government etc?

Maybe you over personalised his comments?

Majority of Scottish people who support Independence are not in any way anti English.

Although maybe he is just an old bigoted fucker.

If you get on with him otherwise I would maybe just forget about it.

If I knew my FIL hit his wife I would want nothing more to do with him. Sod chasing apologies, just leave him to himself.

He won't be the fab grandfather you hope for. He'll just be a belligerent abusive man whose son has children.u

Neither DH or I talk to our respective fathers (for good reason) and therefore neither has met DD or even been told of her existence. It's a bit sad and I understand where you're coming from in mourning the loss of that potential relationship for your child. But as other posters have said, what makes someone a bad parent probably won't make them a great grandparent.
On the other hand, I would always let DH mediate relationships on his side and let him decide if he wants his father to meet his child. Maybe I'm just a pushover but I can't imagine demanding an apology from fil for either of the incidents you mention.

I think yab unfair to your partner. It is unlikely that fil will be around much given his personality and lifestyle. Your dp obviously cares about his father in spite of his obvious faults and you are having a bit of a primadonna fit because you are offended by his behaviour (from a while ago) and are insisting on an apology. I think you are being childish. It must be hard enough for your dp to cope with his father's behaviour over the years without having to referee a spat between his partner and his father. Get over it. You don't have to be warm and welcoming. You just have to be polite and civil for the few occasions you will have to be in his company.

He's not going to change his lifestyle now, and I wouldn't bother getting het up about his silly comments.

When I hear people spouting off rubbish, I tend to (had to learn to) roll my eyes and disengage.

If this was me I would prefer if he'd fuck right off back to the pub in Germany (no offence meant) and I would never expect the "perfect grandad" relationship from him.

Enjoy your baby when he/she comes, you'll have enough to occupy you anyway.

he was in your house enjoying your hospitality and should not have had an anti-english rant.
why would you want your child to know such a man?

I think you're being a bit precious, tbh, especially by telling your DH to keep asking his dad to apologise. That's not a fair position for your DH to be in, and if he hasn't managed a ''sorry'' yet, you're not going to get one. Stop trying to change your FIL - you can only change how you react to it.

As for DC having a relationship with their grandparents, if this man disappears off regularly, they will never be particularly close. But I also don't think you have the right to declare that he's not coming in the house - he's your DHs dad, and its his house too. So you need to have a talk with him.

Did the anti-English comments really enrage you? . It's not like he was singling you out or making personal comments like, "English people stink of shit"

I can see why you don't want to have much to do with him, but I'm not sure it's reasonable to demand or expect an apology. Besides, you're not going to get one and the whole situation is probably very awkward for your DH.

Having a child can send us a bit peculiar and tends to galvanise Some of our views and feelings but IMHO it's probably best to take a step back and enjoy the lovely family members that you both have. Let this one go.

Oh surely he'd not be at the hospital! No one needs to be there do they? (apart from you and chosen few).
What does your DP think?

He won't need to come to the hospital at all, even if you have a c section, it'll only be 4-5 days you're in, if your DH is there, your MIL and SFIL and your parents then there's not really going to be a need or time for FIL to visit too.

Your DC will have 2 sets of grandparents in their life, your parents and your MIL and her DP. They will have aunts and uncles and parents who love them. Really, there's no need for this man to be in your DCs life unless he brings something to their life they aren't getting elsewhere. What on earth could that be? Just carry on as now, he does'nt sound like he'd be all that interested in your DC anyway.

I'd not push the apology thing, but I would say he's a day visitor only, never gets to stay over, and if he's rude to you again your DH asks him to leave straight away.

It does sound like he doesn't really give a shit about anyone else, so stop expecting him to behave like a decent human being. However, he's your DH's dad, he will love him even if it doesn't make sense. emotions rarely do.

Support your DH. You might find becoming a dad is hard for your DH if he's had such a crap example, he might worry he'll turn out like his dad, or when he realises just how much he loves his DC and would do anything for them, he might question why his dad doesn't feel the same for him and his siblings.

I think you're being silly. The disappearing act was nothing to do with you - he's a grown man and perhaps should apologise for worrying his son but he certainly doesn't need to apologise to you for deciding to go to Germany.

And the anti-English rant wasn't a personal attack on you either but a grumpy man having a grump.

You are being very unfair to your husband by making him insist on apologies that are clearly not going to be meant even if they are said.

You sound hard work tbh, as you seem to filter everything through you when it's not about you at all.

loads of our neighbours go on anti english rants, you just have to remind yourself that its just jealousy