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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask directly or otherwise if I can bring my baby?

66 replies

ivanapoo · 25/01/2013 13:10

DH and I have been invited to a wedding of one of his family members - would like to attend but our EBF DS will be 4 months old then, and the invite stipulated (in rhyming couplets no less) they wanted a child free wedding.

We also had an almost child free wedding due to the size of our venue and expense but made it v clear that young babies were welcome and in the end a single parent friend brought his 2 year old as well as childcare fell through.

My lovely but quite forceful MIL said she would ask them if my DS is allowed to come as she felt this wouldnt apply to such a young baby - but I don't want them to feel awkward/unable to say no and I respect their right to ask for no kids whatsoever if that's what they want.

(I would consider expressing and just attend part of the wedding - but it's in the middle of the countryside several hours away from where my parents are and I wouldn't want anyone else to look after him at this age except close family so logistically it's a bit tricky.)

OP posts:
ENormaSnob · 25/01/2013 14:14

Please post the rhyming couplets Grin

givemeaclue · 25/01/2013 14:17

we must have the couplets!!!!!!!!!!

GladbagsGold · 25/01/2013 14:20

Thank you for asking us
To your very special day
We don't want to make a fuss
But we need to ask away
Our baby is so tiny
That he needs to be with mum
He really isn't whiny
We hope that he can come?

OR

My baby needs to feed, for that he needs my tits
If you don't let him in you're both a pair of shits

Original poster
ivanapoo · 25/01/2013 14:21

Pilfette I think it said:

You love your kids
But they make too much noise
Leave them at home
Or we'll break their toys.

Something like that anyway.

OP posts:
Bunbaker · 25/01/2013 14:22

" I have sat through ceremony after ceremony has been rendered inaudible by a screaming child."

I think that should be down to the parents to remove an annoying child. It is really inconsiderate.

DeWe · 25/01/2013 14:24

I would say something along the lines of. "Please say "no" and I won't be hurt, but I was wondering if I could bring my baby who'll be only 4 months old on the understanding I'll take them out if they make any noise at all".

I would also email/write it so they're not put on the spot and can consider it together not one of them have to make a snap decision. If you have to ask face to face, then add in "you don't have to tell me now, let me know when you and partner have discussed it".

Andro · 25/01/2013 14:48

I think that should be down to the parents to remove an annoying child. It is really inconsiderate.

There's the problem though, not all parents are considerate.

13Iggis · 25/01/2013 15:03

I've just read down as far as the 'rhyming couplet' and am speechless. Are they as awful a couple as this makes them sound??
I didn't have children at my wedding but that was due to it being very small affair with a cap on the numbers due to size of venue. I would never be so rude as to say "your kids can't come because they are noise". (Doubt they'd be as noisy as some of my friends and family, tbh!)
If you can't bring the baby, I wouldn't try to go. You could turn it down stating baby as reason, then if they didn't mean your baby was excluded it's easy for them to reinvite you.

ComposHat · 25/01/2013 15:04

There's the problem though, not all parents are considerate

Amen to that.

WilsonFrickett · 25/01/2013 15:09

We'd love to come to wedding,
but (soz for being rude)
We cannot leave our baby
He's tied onto my boobs

Not literally, you understand
But merely thrice a day
So we're going to have to take a pass
And miss your 'special day'.

TartyMcTart · 25/01/2013 15:10

I'd ask them - DeWe's idea is good.

However I would think their invite mean no children at all, babies and toddlers included. If they say yes you can bring your baby, you can guarantee their will be some people who are really pissed off as they's have loved to bring their own kids not sure why (wedding are far better enjoyed on your own!) but each to their own

We tried to have a child-free wedding but some of OH's friends said they couldn't come unless they brought their kids which was copletely understandable so they all came.

My brother had a child-free wedding and some of his friends said the same thing. My brother said 'that's a shame and so be it' and the friends missed the wedding. They are friends no longer I understand. However my brother extended his lack of children to his own nephews which I did think was slightly odd but hey ho.

YellowDinosaur · 25/01/2013 15:22

Howling at gladbagsofgold's response :o

AGivenNickname · 25/01/2013 15:29

I don't see the harm in asking. If they say no they do. At least you would have had the politeness to ask before hand and not just turn up baby in tow. Or you could decline because it's child free and keep kicking yourself wondering 'what would have happened if I'd only asked?'

PrincessOfChina · 25/01/2013 15:39

Just ask them.

We won't invite children to our wedding (if it ever happens) as it would add 40 ish to our numbers and we can't afford it and want a wedding, not a school assembly :)

We'll make exceptions for young babies (regardless of how they are fed) but draw the line at 1yo I think as we have a couple of friends who are still breastfeeding at 2.5+ and that would be confusing to guests who we'd asked not to bring their own toddler. It's up to people to make their own decision then.

Our own DD will be heading home early too I expect, so even she won't get a pass!

CloudsAndTrees · 25/01/2013 16:02

As their twee (and exceptionally rude) little verse specifically included noise, I wouldn't bother asking. Some couples are ok with babies when they have child free weddings if its about numbers or the venue, but if they have given their reason for not wanting children to be about noise, then it's likely that to them babies will be worse than older children.

Which makes sense tbh. Even though babies can be taken out if they make noise, but the time the noise has been made and someone has had to leave the room, there has already been a disturbance that is clearly not wanted.

I'd just decline the invite. Ideally with one of the brilliant suggestions already given.

DoItToJulia · 25/01/2013 16:07

Arf at Wilson!

Bonbonchance · 25/01/2013 16:47

My friend had a child free wedding (apart from bridesmaids and page boys which included 2 babies) as she wanted to be able to invite as many friends as possible and for them to enjoy themselves without having to see to children. The invite explained this nicely and also mentioned breast feeding babies were an exception (I presume she wouldn't have kicked out bottle feeders!)

Oh and their invites had a little poem too (not the baby bit) and it was great, the whole wedding was lots of fun Smile

Original poster
ivanapoo · 25/01/2013 18:07

Sorry I was actually joking about the verse! I can't remember it exactly, but it essentially said your kids are great but don't bring them

Arf at your rhyming couplet responses!

I

OP posts:
tak1ngchances · 25/01/2013 18:14

I absolutely love kids but had a child free wedding...I don't think children particularly enjoy sitting still & quietly in a church for an hour. Every wedding service I have been to with children at it was interrupted by yells and shrieks throughout.
As for the reception - I think it's all too much for little ones. The people, the noise, people getting drunk. Just not appropriate really.

grottielottie · 25/01/2013 18:19

As at our son is just 4 months old,
I have a question that might seem bold.
Because he is fed at the breast,
we feel that keeping him near it best,
and as we would like to remain your friends,
we wondered if we could all attend.

bumperella · 25/01/2013 18:30

Just ask them!

One possibility is for you and littlie to miss the ceremony (and after dinner speeches) where baby-noise is not acceptable, but go to the reception. Your DH could go to the ceremony bit by himself. Ask them if this would be OK - a 4-mnth-old isn't going to "count" toward numbers for the reception and am sure they'd not mind you missing the important bit (ceremony) in the circumstances.

TheCatIsEatingIt · 25/01/2013 18:46

You know best how the dynamic in your family works, but if it was my DH I'd be happy for MIL to ask. The couple might feel less defensive and put on the spot if the question comes from their relative, and as it's essentially "don't you know how babies work?" they might take it better from someone who's had babies.

The baby might count towards the head count at the reception, it depends on the venue. They did at ours.

Definitely can't hurt to ask, though. A breastfed baby is a whole different kettle of fish from a lively 3yo.

Glitterspy · 25/01/2013 19:31

I think no children means no babies either. Asking will just make them feel awkward when they have already made their feelings clear, (in a poem! crikey) which isn't right. I think saying no but letting them know the reason why, is the best way to handle it; that way when they receive your RSVP, they could always choose to contact you back and say it's ok to bring the baby, if that's what they want. It puts the ball in their court without you being pushy.

HopAndSkip · 25/01/2013 19:51

Why don't you say "DH would be delighted to attend, but I won't be able to as DS is breastfed and can't be left yet as I can't express/don't feel comfortable leaving him yet/can't find anyone to look after him" or whichever reason, and see if they say "oh, you could bring him ?" or just say "ok"

DontmindifIdo · 25/01/2013 20:43

BTW - when I was pregnant with DS/only just had him and still breastfeeding, I had 2 wedding invites that were 'no children' - in both cases, I declined in e-mail stating that I'd love to go but I was/was planning on breastfeeding so wouldn't be able to leave DS and therefore would have to decline (but made a big fuss about wanting to see photos and how happy I was for them etc). One couple said ok, and arranaged lunch for after their honeymoon to show photos. The other came back to say of course babes in arms weren't included in no children and DS was most welcome. (And then I didn't see the wedding anyway because he was grumpy so I sat on the graveyard wall thinking I might as well have skipped this bit and gone straight to the reception).

If you decline but make it clear why you are declining and spell out how much you'd have loved to come if you were able to leave DS but can't (don't say "if he was allowed to come", that makes it look like you having a go at them), then that gives them the opportunity to say "oh bring him" while not being as rude as to ask if they can break their no children rule for you.

Bear in mind, while they might be happy to have your DS there and trust that you will remove him should he start screaming the place down, that doesn't mean all their extended family and friends have DCs who can be trusted to behave and while they might be happy to have babies who aren't going to use up a seat in the venue/be classed in the numbers, but family politics is a funny thing, some people can get an arse on that your child was allowed when their child wasn't (even if their child is old enough to need a meal/be counted in the numbers). Sometimes blanket bans are the only way to avoid bitching.