To be so upset at what me DS age 6 said to me...

[peterpie]

I have Rosacea and am extremely self-conscious about it.

I realise it´s only natural that my DS (just turned 6) has started to notice differences in people´s skin tone etc

Earlier this evening he asked my why my face had to be so red

I am mortified and haven´t stopped thinking about it since. I know it´s only a matter of time until his school friends start to say something along the lines of Oh you with the Mummy with the red face...

DS is a lovely, sweet-natured boy, I suppose he was just genuinely curious.

I am so upset

It is very hurtful when DC say these sorts of things, it is fine for adults to say 'beauty is skin deep', 'people's characters matter more than their looks' etc etc but as a society we are bombarded with images of what people should like - even on Mumsnet there is healthy traffic on the S & B thread with people clearly thinking it is normal to spend £x on their wardrobe, hair stylist etc etc.

I have grey hair and only yesterday my DS said 'I'd like to invite someone to tea but I am embarassed about your grey hair' ........... he did add, 'sorry if that sounds rude'. He is 12 and as a parent I am deeply disappointed that he is so shallow in his attitudes. He's also started to get very self conscious about his appearance and wants to buy skinny jeans (which look ridiculous on him ).

I'm not sure what the answer is, in my case I guess I could dye my hair but why should I, I have no hang-ups myself at having grey hair? So no real helpful advice OP, I am very sorry about how you feel.

Thanks for your support Ragwort, I agree with everything you say, there is no escaping images of what we should look like. Skin is a big one, everybody striving for perfect skin, whether that be olive or alabaster...red, veiny and blotchy is a total no, no

I already knew that my Rosacea is noticeable it´s just my DS comments confirms it. I worry that he will become embarrassed by me especially as he gets older in a way I feel silly but I can´t help the way I feel.

All dc's are embarrassed by their parents even if they look like Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie.

Ragwort I think in your situation I would just say what you feel 'I'm really upset you are so worried about appearances you feel embarrassed about me, I am a nice person, gray hair or not'. I don't think a 12 year old is the same as a 6 year old though, generally all parents are embarassing to their older children.

I've been having a discussion with my slightly older girls about appearance and commenting, for example, they have a very large friend, and we've talked about it and I've told them that really size is just best not to comment on at all, even if you find 'kind' words for it because it's something people are very conscious of and there's no need to do so. So, if you need to differentiate between two people of the same name, do so by saying 'Sarah B' and 'Sarah C', NOT by commenting on some aspect of size.

We also gently tease each other (or rather, they have teased me) about having a wobbly tummy and again, this is not a taboo but they have to learn to be very careful that affectionate nicknames 'cuddly mummy' don't translate into something ruder and potentially more offensive.

OP, your son sounds honest but receptive, I think you are best not to make too much of it really, he can't understand the years of angst you have had and in some ways doesn't need to. Just come up with a simple explanation: I have something called rosacea, it makes my skin quite red, and stop. He can then use this explanation (if anyone mentions it to him which I very much doubt) and as he gets older, you can talk more generally about appearances, he may well develop doubts about some aspect of his appearance and I think being brief but reassuring works both ways round.

Valium this is so true, or they will be embarassed by the old car you drive, or your dad's jokes, or your mum's laugh or some other thing, the trick is not to take it on, have a laugh about it yourself with your partner (we laugh about being the old fuddy-duddies) but equally, childrem esp older ones need to realise it is hurtful if you comment 'honestly' about someone and that often, pointing out people's defects is not really justifiable (like they haven't noticed) and that they would not like the same to be done to thtem.

I agree mumsy I would have something to say to ds if he ever came out with a comment like ragwort's ds though - at 12 he needs to be told comments like that are hurtful.

instead of being upset you should use it as an opportunity to teach him that we are all different in many ways, no 2 persons are the same (even if they look the same, like idential twins) and thats what makes us unique

I totally sympathise, OP!

He is curious but at this age they just don't have the tact that adults have. I'll assume that's why DS is constantly asking why I have got such very fat boobs/belly and why they wobble like jelly

I suffer from facial flushing, usually when I've had a drink or eaten something warmer than ice :( I'm not suggesting that you mask your rosacea, if it is nota problem to you, but if you wanted to give something a try, Benefit's get Even powder is a God send. Also, I have started using facial oils for sensitive skin at night and that seems to be helping.

:)

"I agree mumsy I would have something to say to ds if he ever came out with a comment like ragwort's ds though - at 12 he needs to be told comments like that are hurtful."

Me too.

I would tear my DS a new one at that age.

I have rosacea too, peterpie, & can get very self-conscious about it when it's flaring - though less so than when I first developed it 5 years ago.

I know from experience that the redness is just about the hardest symptom to treat. It's quite irritating when people blithely point out that there are treatments available - actually, the only licensed medications for rosacea are effective for the spots that some sufferers have, not the redness / flushing. Laser treatments / IPL can work, but I haven't had that much success, & they're not available on the NHS.

It's also much harder to find make-up that works for rosacea as people who have it tend to have very sensitive skin. I use a zinc oxide based sunblock that's also tinted & covers up the worst of it - on a good day, anyway - but have to order it from the US. It's called elta md uv physical SPF 41, & I would recommend it.

My sons are a bit older than yours, peterpie, & they do know I have sensitive skin - haven't bored them with the technical details, but I can't tolerate chlorinated water, for instance, so dh always has to take them swimming, so I have felt the need to give a brief explanation. They know my skin gets "sore" & just accept it really.

To be honest, I don't think most people think much about other people's skin - I mean, they notice if it looks red, but probably not in a judgemental way, just as a sort of fact. I notice people's skin problems more since I developed rosacea, but it's made me aware that not many people really have perfect skin - a lot of people worry about spots, or large pores, or whatever. I try not to focus on it too much & definitely avoid things like looking in mirrors too much when I'm flaring!

I used to make more of an effort to hide my rosacea when I first had it but I think that made me feel worse about it in a way - like I had to disguise myself to be fit for human consumption! I try to be more matter of fact about it now - I will refer to it if necessary (like if someone asks why I can't drink alcohol, which gives me hideous prolonged flushing).

Try not to be too upset about what your son said - as other people have pointed out, children do just say these things & probably point out other features that we & other people have - it's just that we tend to take the comments more personally if it's something that really bothers us. My sons have pointed out that I have a long neck but couldn't care less about that!!

I agree with others saying at least he wasn´t nasty-just curious.

I blush easily-& am now menopausal-double whammy!!

I´m only 5ft & when daughter was younger one of the boys in her class said I was so small I was useless & should be put on top of the school & pushed off.

How´s that for nasty/specific??
(wonders if he torments animals)

Just a side point OP.

My mum had very bad rosacea and it was really bothering her so she had laser treatment on it.

It has made a massive difference and really helped her.

I developed rosacea after having ds2. In my case it turned out I had developed an allergic reaction to all skincare products.

I had to stop using any cleansers, toners, moisturiser, makeup, etc. I can just about tolerate la Roche posay 'tolereine ultra' after a shower which stops my skin turning into sandpaper but anything else and my face instantly flares up again.

It's horrible and I totally get why your ds's question upset you so much. Like others have said though, he didn't mean to upset you, at hos age it probably hasn't occurred to him it bothers you.

Will it help you to consider that if you are able to discuss this openly and teach him to it on board naturally and unselfconsciously, it will be much easier for him to deal with other people's differences later on- which will both make his life easier and make him a nicer person.

Ds' sister is disabled and has MH problems. Dealing with this and learning not to feel embarrassed has helped him to deal with other people's problems: and of course there will be other people with problems in every school class and among his friends' parents, in his future workplace etc etc. Like the classmate who had Downs Syndrome. Or the friend's brother who was autistic. Or smaller issues of not perfect looks etc.

He still went through a phase (round about 10/11) when he was embarrassed by my clothes, by my conversation etc etc, but imo that was just a normal struggle for independence, nothing to do with my actual physical defects (and there is nothing wrong with my winter coat, either, I would have you know! ).

I sympathise too! I am not sure if my story will be helpful but here tis - 10 yrs ago I saw a Naturopath bc I was exhausted all the time and I had socially crippling rosacea (creams/tablets from dermatologist being no help). I flushed almost constantly and so many triggers made it worse (wine, change of room temp, tea/coffee, spicy food, stress at work). The naturopath bid me give up wheat, and "yeasts, moulds and ferments". I was dubious but it worked a treat.

It was hard. He gave me a massive bossy list of no no tucker - I had to give up every good thing (beer, vegemite, brewers yeast (which I took for cystic acne), mushrooms, blue cheese, melons (naturally high mould content or something), dried fruit, pickles, vinegar, olives, sauces, mayos)

It felt like life without crisps, pastry, cakes and condiments & it was super dull but it worked for me. Gone are the beetroot coloured ears, constant flushing and headaches. My skin looks pretty normal apart from cystic acne scars and I'll take that . 10 years down the track I pretty much eat what I like without any flares (drink wine, have vinegary dressings, olives, blue cheese and the like)

I only saw the Naturopath a few times and apart from a few supplements to start with there was very little cost. Maybe the diet factors are different for other folk with rosacea, I'm not sure - there are probably pages and pages on the internet w similar info.

I bet in a few years DD will ask about my pocked skin and I feel a bit better equipped for it after reading some of the replies you received.

Bupcakes and valium - I do assure you that I make it very clear that such comments are unkind and mean, but how to get him to listen and act on what I tell him is proving harder.

The funny thing is that he himself has a slightly 'unusual' appearance which he can get very self conscious about, and hates it if anyone mentions it, but doesn't seem to see the similarity in making unkind comments/

Perhaps that is just part of being a pre-teenager .