To think dh is being a selfish arse?

[Ashoething]

Background-dh works long hours in a stressful job and I am a sahm to our dcs. Dh has form for treating me like an unpaid skivvy and we have had words about it-A LOT.

We have both been ill with bad colds since monday. Throat killing,head banging,chest agony kind of thing. I am usually very healthy and havent even been to doctors in about 7 years!-so am certainly not usually one to really whinge when am unwell.

Anyway both feel like shit basically. Bit the last 3 nights dh has come home from work at dcs teatime-half 5-and gone straight to bed. I have been left to do all the cleaning,washing up,homework,baths etc.

This morning he went to work and then reappeared 2 hours later and has gone straight to bed again without so much as a hello.

I am left to entertain toddler,clean house,have to go to post office and then so school run

AIBU to think he is a selfish arse for behaving like this?-I am ill too but havent had the luxury of hours in bed this week.

I have to go bathe dcs but please keep posting.the support means alot and i can come back to it whem am having doubts or starting to believe it when he says im a lazy bitch.

So you told him on the first date that once kids came along you would stay at home and he would be main provider?

Was there any further discussion around the issue?

Would things improve if you were to get a job?

His behaviour is unacceptable but he sounds so resentful of you. And tbh, if I was sole breadwinner under duress and working such long hours I think I would feel the same.

Please dont post any more on this thread.enorma.you are defending.my dh.who is financially and emotionally abusive towards me.being on mn has made me realise this and your posts defending his behaviour are not helping.

If i got a job things would not improve no because i would still be expected to do all childcare,housework,cooking etc.he would not lift a finger.i know him.really have to go now but will be back.

Enorma, if he is abusive then he'd just find something else to resent.
Ashoething, you don't sound lazy. You are dealing with a lot and the emotional abuse will be wearing you down too. Well done on starting to realise it isn't right. Maybe getting some independent advice on grants, benefits and housing would help you to see a way out of this (if that's what you want).

ENorma
I am the sole breadwinner working long hours because it is in the best interests of the family. DH is a SAHD. If I wasn't happy with that arrangement I would discuss things with DH rather than sit on my arse sulking and complaining watching DH run himself ragged whilst simultaneously keeping DH totally financially dependent on me.

Am reading now sat on toilet watching kids in bath and last posts made me blub.feel terrible.got a migraine with the stress and face gone funny.dh.still in bed but watching a documentary with a face like thunder.i feel like the worlds worst mother because dd asked me if i was really going to make daddy go live with gran :'(

He is a twunt and he won't change. However, you seem to be saying you won't change either (leave or get more financially independent). That means that either you will have to have a plan to change or, frankly, put up with this. I say again, he won't change. So, are you going to change what you do or live with this?

Financial abuse . what would his reaction be if you asked for access to the money?

I have told him.that having to ask for money makes me feel like shit but he just ignores me.occasionally he will give me one of his bank cards but i have to account for what i spend.he got some cash back from ppi people a while ago and tried to hide it from me.i was given no choice in how cash was spent.he said wad going to pay off credit card but just frittered it away on crap

I do have a plan.once youngest dc is in.school i intend to go back to college to retrain.the group where i volunteer now have offered me a placement experience and also.an excellent reference.its something i really want to do.

you can get a job. If you work, say, 9-5 you need childcare 8-6 depending on commute - that is perfectly normal and you would have no problem finding it (you don't say how old your DCs are, but schools, nurseries, childminders would all provide those hours, some even longer).

Your children will be picking up on all this, and the last thing you want is a DD who thinks this is how women are treated, or a DS who thinks this is how to treat a woman. But that is exactly what they will learn, so ask yourself, is that what you want - a DS who will grow up to treat his wife like a skivvy? A DD who ends up like you, being disrespected, unappreciated and financially abused like you are? That, if nothing else, should be the push to get yourself out of this situation.

Good luck OP.

Do not tell me which threads I can and cannot post on just because I am not complying with the majority.

I am in no way defending your dh or his behaviour.

He is abusive, both verbally and financially.

However, you seem happy to continue this marriage despite neither of you coming across happy.

He resents you being a sahm, as I would my own dh if I were main breadwinner. His actions are unfair but I was trying to establish whether it was a joint decision or one he was forced into.

You were way out of line the way you spoke to ENorma.

She's right, btw.

You seem to want the attention of an "I'm being abused" thread.

But it seems to me that your situation is entirely if your own making. You don't want to work. You see that as your right.

If you earned your own money you wouldn't be trapped.

I do work.i look after my dcs.i enable my dh to earn the money he does by running our home and providing.childcare.and i want attention for being abused? Really? Way to kick a person when they are down.does that make you feel good about yourself btw?

Forced him? How exactly.would i force a grown man to marry and have dcs? I had to give up work while pregnant as i was in hospital for nearly the.whole pregnancy due to circumstances outwith my control.

Your DH is a lazy fucker with not one ounce of respect for you, sure enough. But things won't change unless you change them. Why do you stay with him if he makes you so unhappy. Things wouldn't be easy if you left, but you'd survive. You are choosing to stay in this situation and you are enabling him to treat you like this. You can get "poor you, he's horrible" comments until we're all blue in the face, but it won't change your life.

Equally, as others have said, he sounds resentful that you stay at home. Have you pointed out to him how much the childcare and cleaner would cost if you weren't providing these services for free? That may put some perspective on the situation for him. You are enabling him to work the hours he does and have his career. If you worked too, he would have to start considering working around childcare provider hours, taking sick days etc. You say he won't. But if you're away at a conference or in a meeting and can't be contacted, the school aren't going to take no for an answer when they call about a sick child.

All this "he won't do this, he won't do that" is because he knows you will do it. So stop doing it. You can't change him, you can only change how you react to him.

You could easily get a job regardless of what dh works.Just do it in nursery hours and do all pick ups/drop offs yourself.

Enorma can post what she likes.anyway am leaving the thread now as seems to be taking a nasty turn.i get enough.sahm bashing at home as it is and i dont need people on here picking me apart for the choices i have made.thanks for the support ladies.

And all the 2 hour in the morning jobs are where please? Sorry going now.

8-6 are the hours you have to work between.

OP I have the utmost sympathy for your situation and hope you can do something to change it. But you posted in AIBU. Some people may say yes. If you just want and then relationships might be a better home for your thread?

It seems to me that the OP is still coming to terms with how bad things are and is working through the shock. For me some of the posts blaming her for the situation really do seem like victim blaming. She didn't make her DH abusive. That is how he chose to react.