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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to tell the receptionists at work to FUCK OFF?

30 replies

PrettyFlyForAWifi · 24/01/2013 11:22

Give me some perspective please - I think I might be being precious but this is driving me mad. 8 months ago, I lost my baby daughter at 23+ weeks. And now it feels like everyone around me but predominantly the reception team at work is expecting me to be pregnant again. I am getting so annoyed with the constant scrutiny - I only have to wear a baggy top, say 'no thanks' to a glass of wine on a night out or look a bit knackered and they all assume I'm upduffed. And yesterday when I threw up at work (norovirus!!!) the entire reception team went into a gossip frenzy.

It's just so intrusive. What I want to say is: 'No, FUCK OFF I'm not pregnant, I'm not planning to become pregnant either and what makes you think I want another baby anyway - I want the one I lost, not a replacement!' but that's too personal to share with work colleagues and, because I'm quite a private person I think it might cause an atmosphere/more gossip...
So, am I being precious? I'm sure they just want the best for me and are making the assumption that a new pregnancy heals the loss of a lost one (and maybe it does for some but I have a long and complex pregnancy history that I haven't told anyone about at work so it's not quite as simple as it might be for me) but I find the presumption that I will 'replace' my baby hurtful/thoughtless and the constant scrutiny intrusive.

OP posts:
BupcakesAndCunting · 24/01/2013 11:30

So sorry for your loss Thanks

I agree with you. It is insensitive, considering that you've been through such a trauma. However, the people doing the speculating are just excited for you, albeit misplaced and misjudged. What I would do in this instance is take one of them aside and be frank. Say something like "I am still recovering from the loss of my DD, which is relatively recent. All of the gossip and speculation that I am pregnant again is not helping me. Please could I ask you to stop?" Then ask them to pass that on.

I would feel the same as you.

fuckadoodlepoopoo · 24/01/2013 11:34

I agree with bupcakes.

helpyourself · 24/01/2013 11:37

Oh God, that must be heartbreaking for you Flowers. I'm so sorry for your loss. There's an element looking for excitement in their behaviour, but really they just want to 'make it better'. I know they can't. Sad

DeepRedBetty · 24/01/2013 11:39

Spent some time considering a reply while putting a load of washing on, and came back to find that bupcakes has done it beautifully for me.

Some Thanks for you.

WilsonFrickett · 24/01/2013 11:42

I am sorry for your loss. Do as Bup suggests, or if you can't face that, can you ask a trusted manager or even HR to do it for you? Not in terms of wanting to make it a big, formal thing, but if you can't face speaking to them about it personally, is there someone else who will do it for you?

TremoloGreen · 24/01/2013 11:43

I'm so sorry for what you've gone through. Are you able to tell them what Bupcakes suggested above? If not, is there anyone sympathetic in HR or your/their line manager who could sensitively have a word on your behalf? I agree it is so insensitive and you shouldn't have to put up with it. I can't actually believe they think it appropriate.

TremoloGreen · 24/01/2013 11:44

Also, I would imagine the second somebody says anything they will feel bad and stop. Unless they are totally evil.

BupcakesAndCunting · 24/01/2013 11:45

"can you ask a trusted manager or even HR to do it for you?"

Was just about to suggest this too! Do you have a trusted friend/colleague at work that you could ask to do this on your behalf?

I would do it in a heartbeat if it were one of my work friends.

tinypumpkin · 24/01/2013 11:48

I agree with what Bupcakes has said. I think something does need to be said for your own sanity. Could someone else trusted pass this on if you don't feel that you can? I totally understand that it might be too difficult for you.

I am sorry for the loss of your daughter. I too lost a daughter and I think there is a misplaced idea of another baby replacing the baby you lost. It is crazy but sadly I have come across this also.

I hope that things can become a little easier for you at work.

DoJo · 24/01/2013 12:11

When a colleague of mine had a similar experience we were told the situation and had a request from her passed on that she didn't want to talk about it at work - no sympathy, no questions just carry on as normal. Everyone respected her wishes and when she became pregnant again around a year later, it was just treated as though it was her first pregnancy.

Bejeena · 24/01/2013 12:19

To feel that way is totally natural you are mourning for a loss and they don't understand, but are trying to make it feel better.

However if I were that receptionist and you actually did tell me to F* Off I would have no shame in reporting you as that is not a reasonable way to speak to people. (I don't know about UK employment laws, but here you'd be well on your way to getting sacked for speaking to someone like that)

I think they are just trying to be nice and if you actually told them in private how you are feeling, explain to them that you actually feel like swearing at them for asking and assuming I am sure they will be totally mortified and not mention it any more.

fromparistoberlin · 24/01/2013 12:22

i think they do care, but clearly done understand your pain

as ever, TALK TO THEM ! tell them that what you went through was awful, and you are bereaved. tell them that every time they make assumptions its like a painful dagger through your heart. at this point I assume you will likely be in tears Sad

nicely ask that they STOP FUCKING TALKING ABOUT IT

and say you hope that they never go through it, but if they ever do they will understand where ur coming from

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Lostonthemoors · 24/01/2013 12:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Touchmybum · 24/01/2013 12:30

I've been through this recently on the other side of the fence. A work colleague lost her baby at full term. All of us were rooting for her (silently and privately!) to become pregnant again, not to replace the daughter she lost but so she could have another little person to ease her grief and bring joy to her life.

They don't know how you feel because they are fortunate enough not to have gone through the trauma you have, but trust me, they feel for you.... they just don't know how to express it.

My colleague talked a lot about her daughter and we encouraged her to do so, but she is a very open person, and that worked for her. I don't think anyone made any inferences about her getting pregnant again, though when she did there was certainly private speculation! We all wanted it so much for her.

So my advice would be, don't tell people who are actually trying to show they care, by telling them to fuck off. Tell them it hurts you, that you appreciate they are on your side but it's too painful for you to even think about it.

My colleague took some time and had to have genetics tests etc done before trying again, and happily she recently had a baby son. As has been suggested perhaps you could speak privately to someone you get on best with, and ask them to subtly pass it on.

I hope everyone works out for you.

Gigondas · 24/01/2013 12:42

Am so sorry for your loss wifi but I think being upfront either with them or via hr to tell them to stop this chat (however well intentioned) is called for. It is as well to say now as if you do decide to try again, you don't need commentary thru the pregnancy.

I know about the baby you lost as my son died at 22 weeks- he is no way replaced by my 2 dds.

Befeena- even after 5 years I can still understand the rage that comes with grief that is behind the kind of fuck off response wifi mentioned.

No it is not right or appropriate but 1.she didn't do it 2. If she had , her situation would have been taken into account in dealing with it (you could equally argue it isn't appropriate to be continually gossiping if another staff member is pregnant).

In my ideal world, I wonder why it is nasty things like this don't get visited more often on the smug and lacking in empathy who are so quick to judge. Clearly it is not obvious that this kind of hurt is constant, difficult to keep a lid on your emotions and perhaps we should show some compassion.

Op- if you want details of the specialist therapist who helped me , please pm (also had messy pregnancy history).

Original poster
PrettyFlyForAWifi · 24/01/2013 19:46

Thanks all...good to have some perspective on the situation.

I've thought about talking to someone in HR, as suggested, but I'm a bit worried about doing this as another person I work with requested privacy/no questions when she had cancer and she was perceived by the reception team as being uppity - I don't want to make the situation worse.

I suspect the best way would be to talk to a member of the team and explain that I'm uncomfortable with the scrutiny - but the problem with this approach is that I will inevitably cry and once I start it's hard to stop and I then will have to go back to my (emotionally draining) work feeling distraught.

To be honest, I really don't want anyone at work to see me upset, it's too personal. Plus my cock of a boss said to me that had she had the same experience as me she'd have been back at work 'two weeks later, but I'm just that kind of a person' and I haven't really forgiven her even though I realise a) it didn't happen to her and b) she's not me (I had 8 weeks off).

So I think I'm just going to have to suck it up and hope they lose interest. Feels like I spend a lot of time doing that though, with regards to friends' pregnancies, babies, shit parenting I see in my job etc....there's nothing you can do to make it feel better, you just have to soldier on. Tough times.

OP posts:
BupcakesAndCunting · 24/01/2013 20:30

"I've thought about talking to someone in HR, as suggested, but I'm a bit worried about doing this as another person I work with requested privacy/no questions when she had cancer and she was perceived by the reception team as being uppity"

What is the matter with them?! It sounds like they were more bothered that they couldn't sate their lust for the details of this woman's illness than bothered about her having such a bstard of a disease. How utterly immature and selfish!

You do NOT have to suck this up, btw.

GailTheGoldfish · 24/01/2013 20:36

They thought someone who requested not to be asked about her cancer was uppity?! Sounds a bit like they are a load of gossips to be honest. I'm sure they are very nice but sensitivity takes a back seat to something to talk about. Is there someone who isn't a manager who could have a wet word, a friend of yours in a different role perhaps? Good luck with it, it can't be pleasant to face this every day. I'm sorry for your loss.

FlatsInDagenham · 24/01/2013 20:46

If that's the sort of people they are (uppity indeed!) then I don't think you should worry about what they might think of you, just so long as they STFU about it and let you get on with your day.

Sorry for your loss.

BluelightsAndSirens · 24/01/2013 20:56

They sound immature, is the reception not busy so they spend their time gossiping about things they have no experience of?

Do you have a friend that can casually speak to them and tell them you are not planning on getting pregnant again for personal reasons.

Gigondas · 25/01/2013 07:52

you shouldn't have to suck it up. You take as much time off as you need (I didn't take 8 weeks off but should have done and more as was a mess).

It sounds like between these receptionist and your boss attitude , it is stretching you paper thin. Please speak to hr- they will want to know as have a duty to ensure that workplace isn't more stressful than it should be.

Lostonthemoors · 25/01/2013 07:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LittleAbruzzenBear · 25/01/2013 08:06

OP, so sorry, I feel for you. When I miscarried for the second time and didn't come into work the day after, my friend and colleague told our receptionist who rolled her eyes and said 'oh for God's sake!'. Some people are selfish, thoughtless and insensitive.

NorthernLurker · 25/01/2013 08:10

Sounds like they need their backsides kicking tbh. Go to whoever line manages the team and tell them you know they gossip and it's stressing you out. If they're worth anything as a manager they will tell them all to stop the gossip about everybody.

Moominsarescary · 25/01/2013 08:19

Your boss sounds like a twat! I lost a son at 20 weeks, people can be incredibly insensitive from the it was probably for the best comments Hmm to the are you going to have any more ones.

Sorry for your loss

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