to sometimes think that SAHMs are "living the dream" and really envy them

[Fizzler99]

Ok so I don't have kids yet.

I work ridiculously long hours (as in out the house 6.30am-8pm minimum and often work late nights and weekends too). I have a long commute each way (can't afford to live where I work as property so expensive) and the job is very, very high stress. I earn a decent wage, but I am quite junior so I'm not on mega-money despite what my friends and family seem to think

I don't intend to keep this job forever, but I need to establish myself in my choosen career then I can hopefully 'down-grade' to something less stressful.

One of my colleagues has just given up work to become a SAHM. It just sounds like living the dream. No more waiting on cold station platforms for delayed trains at 6.30am, no more hideous commute, no more stressful job and nagging boss and office politics, no more late night working and surviving on takeaway or the contents of the office vending machine for weeks at a time. I am so jealous!

Please give me a much-needed reality check. Please tell me the reality of being a SAHM. For those of you that have gone from having a quite high-flying career to SAHM, please tell me how the two compare. I think I really need a reality check!

[KobayashiMaru]

It's not my bloody dream, I can tell you that. There is only so long you can play lego, pretend to be a horse, and spend most of your life cleaning, cooking, washing and following/ferrying kids around before you go out of your mind. For me anyway*

*I did long ago.

Being a sahm is probably a lot more fun if you have money for lots of activities/a cleaner/a bigger house etc, I'm guessing.

[CailinDana]

BTW - SAHMs who say they "long for adult company" - surely a solution would be to go to groups and make friends? I have more company as a SAHM than I ever did when I was working, and it's genuine relaxed sociable company rather than the more rushed and obligatory sort you get at work. I've found the freedom of being at home has resulted in me making great friends with people, and spending a lot more time socialising.

[Ragwort]

Cailin - you experience is very similar to mine - its such a key point to mention that you are 'in charge of your own days' - few people who go out to work have that luxury.

Good point about bathrooms, I never understand why so many mums say they can't go to the loo in peace, surely if you make it clear from day 1, (and close the door) - your DC will learn not to disturb you? (SN excepted).

My DS has never, ever disturbed me in the bathroom .

[umiaisha]

I am a SAHM to 6 year old DD and 22 month old DS.

I went back to work when DD1 was 5 months and have worked full time up until last summer when we worked out that our childcare costs were meaning that I was working for £400 a month. Unlike most of the other posters I feel so privileged and fortunate to be at home and really enjoy the freedom of it. We go to a couple of classes and toddler groups a week and obviously have to do the school run, but other than that we can please ourselves. If we are at home, DS has a sleep from noon to 2.30 so I have my lunch in peace (this never happened at work!) and catch up on a few bits and bobs. I have found I have more time for my hobbies, friends/family and many people have commented on how much more relaxed I seem.

A few of the other posters have said that being a SAHM is a nightmare when you have been up all night with sick children etc. What other options do you think working parents have?! They still have to pick up parenting duties when they get home from work and have to function sometimes in paid employment on 0 hours sleep!

[CailinDana]

To add - I don't think enjoying being a SAHM takes any money at all. I spend about £1 a week - 50p for each playgroup session. Otherwise I am either in someone's house, at the Surestart centre, or going for a walk (not in this weather obviously!). I don't have a cleaner or a big house.

[RobinSparkles]

I'm a SAHM (well I work very very part time about 6 hours a week) and I feel very fortunate that I am able to stay at home, it means we don't have to pay for child care and there is always someone here when DD1 is ill from school etc.

Sometimes there are good days but others I just want to take to my bed and stay there forever!

No, we might not have to stand at a cold train station but we have to walk to school every day at a snails pace because 2 yo DD2 won't go in the pushchair and wants to walk and can't walk any quicker. Then she whines because she's cold. Then she wants picking up because she's tired. I'm stressed because we're late because someone filled their nappy/needed a poo/tipped their juice all over the floor. Then we have to wait in the cold until the teachers let them in.

School always want things too - people to help make toast, fundraisers blah blah blah. Some days I feel like I might as well pitch up a bed there!

Housework is relentless! Children spill things all the bloody time and they're destructive and fiddle and touch.

Days are longer because even when everyone else is home from work or school you have to help the children with their homework, make tea, wash up, bath the children, read them a story, put them to bed. Even when the DC are in bed I usually have ironing to do and packed lunches to make etc.

I do realise that all the above is part of having children so I know that WOHMs do all this too. I take my hat off to parents who both work FT.

I think back to the days Pre DC, when DH and I both worked full time, I used to have to get the bus to work but it was a lot less hassle than getting the bus would be now. No one whining at me while waiting and I could just let the journey wash over me and spend 30 minutes thinking or reading before work. I would get home and only have to worry about getting my dinner. If I did a big house clean on a Saturday it would stay clean all week until the next Saturday. Dh and I could come and go as we pleased. "Shall we go to the cinema/pub/out for a meal?" "Yes, why not!" Now we can't go anywhere without planning weeks beforehand!

OP, would you like to swap? I have two DDs aged 5 and nearly 2. They are well behaved occassionally.

[CailinDana]

Ragwort - I tried to get DS to come into the bathroom with me so I could start to show him using the toilet, in preparation for potty training, and he said "Yuck!" and wouldn't! Luckily he will go in with DH though. If I have to take him to the loo with me in a restaurant he is not impressed!

[KobayashiMaru]

We don't all have surestart centres though, or playgroups that cost as little as that (or indeed any playgroups at all).

[thesnootyfox]

The grass is always greener... I've done both and I found the SAHM quite gruelling, I also found that I'm not good at it. Now self employed and working from home with limited childcare. On a good day I have the best of both worlds, on a bad day I have the worst of both worlds. When my youngest is in reception I think that the good days will definitely outweigh the bad and I will have the right balance for me.

[RobinSparkles]

Meant to say:

No, I don't think that being a SAHM is "living the dream". Not all the time anyway.

Staying at home with no one to look after might be .

[BeebiesQueen]

I loled at 'I dont have kids yet'!

I am a SAHM to a 2 year old and an almost 1 year old, and some days it is lovely. The kids follow routine exactly as tehy are ment to, the 2 year old doesnt have a tantrum and the 1 year old sleeps during the day.

Other days its really hard, ok so I dont have to stand on a cold platform at 6am waiting for a train, but I bet you dont get hit, kicked, punched, spat at and/or shouted at?

I do get a rude awakening at 5am by children shouting at me, I dont get to take a shower with out 2 people watching or get to use teh bathroom with out teh door open or the same 2 people watching.

I dont have late night office working but I dont get a lunch break to recoup, in fact some days I dont get lunch!

I dont have office politics but I do have playgroup politics and alfa mums who dont like what my children are wearing or who are shocked because I dared to give her a chocolate buscuit just to get her to stop nagging at me (you still have the nagging bosses, just the age thats diffrent!)

Parenting is one of teh most stressful jobs there is, you are suddenly in charge of a little persons LIFE, you have no idea what they want or need and most of teh time are guessing. at least with a stressful job you have a job description, instructions and an idea of how to get from a-b. with parenting your only instruction is 'bring them up as kind, polite, valuable members of the community' I mean come on HOW!!

and as for takeaways and surviving on the office vending machine, I am jealous you have a vending machiene, some days I dont get a chance to eat anything till the little ones have gone to bed. And takeaways? what are they? only having 1 income I dont have teh money to get a takeaway. I would love not to have to cook every evening and then have the loveable delights throw what I have made (quite literally in the case of the 1 year old) back in my face.

There are alot of upsides to being a sahm, I wouldnt have it any other way but at the end of teh day its a job, and there are good and bad points to every job.

[CailinDana]

Kobayashi - is there really no Surestart centre within driving distance of you? And no playgroups? Do you live in quite a rural location?

There are other options for making friends - nethuns meet up section is really useful, I made some good friends in the last place I lived, we used to go to each other's houses a lot.

[CheeseStrawWars]

No more waiting on cold station platforms for delayed trains at 6.30am

No, you swap that for being woken at 5.30 by a small person entirely dependent on you to meet his needs. You end up waiting around on cold pavements taking 20 mins to do a walk that takes an adult 5 mins as your toddler has to stop and look at everything/fight you/generally piss about the whole way


No more hideous commute

It's called the school-run/preschool drop-off... see above.

No more stressful job...

Trying to leave the house takes 30 mins, it's always touch and go whether you'll make appointments on time, toddler tantrums in Tesco make you feel out of control and judged by all and sundry, explosive nappies that leak everywhere... And the baby gets sick, and you have to work out if it's something you treat at home with Calpol or is it going to turn into something worse, and should you call the OOH doctor, or just keep checking his temperature, because his sister had a febrile convulsion at this age... Trying to get baby to have a nap as if they don't go to sleep that's it, that's your one chance to get a hot drink/something to eat gone til bedtime.

...nagging boss

You become the nagging boss: "It's time to go, let's get shoes on. Shoes on please. Shoes on. Shoes on, now. SHOES! SHOES ON!" Insert any job of choice, tidying up, getting up the stairs for bath...

...and office politics

You swap that for parenting politics, and who's doing it right/wrong. Little old ladies will come and tell you how you should be doing it. Politics of a different sort. And of course, the politics of housework. Do read that, by the way. Your domestic balance of power shifts in ways you can't imagine, til you're living it.

no more late night working and surviving on takeaway or the contents of the office vending machine for weeks at a time

Late night working? I was up five times last night with a poorly DC. As for food, the nights when they have screamed for 1.5 hours before going to sleep leave you so exhausted you either call out for takeaway, or just don't bother eating, as eating eats into time you could be asleep.

"The dream"? Not mine! At least at work there's a chance of a payrise or other recognition for the job you're doing. And the guilt! I love my kids, but I am seriously not designed to spend 24/7 around them... I'm a much better mummy when I have my own headspace/work to go out to and come back to them. The one lets me recharge for the other.

[RobinSparkles]

Btw, I can go to the toilet in peace. Sometimes I pretend that I need to go just to get peace because they'll leave me alone. :o

[rainrainandmorerain]

I suppose the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence, to some degree.

OP, unless I have missed something, then it sounds as if you really don't like your job very much. I would warn against romanticising sahm alternative because of that. There really are all kinds of ways of being a sahp/wohp - there is no definitive experience.

FWIW, the mums I know who seem to be the unhappiest in terms of life choices/decisions are those who hated their jobs, saw motherhood as something that would being them a lot of fulfillment, but then found that very hard too.

[CailinDana]

Beebies - I don't mean this rudely, but how can you not have time to eat? I know I only have one child (so far, DC2 on the way imminently!) but still DS has his bad days where he is very demanding. But if I want to eat he just has to wait. I am not his slave, if he wants to whinge then he can whinge but I'm going to eat come hell or high water!

My friend was almost inconsolable with laughter when DS came looking for me one day, saw a cup in my hand and said "Oh tea," and walked off again :) I think it's necessary to assert your own needs too - a child has to understand (when old enough) that they might want your attention but they're not necessarily going to get it. I do wonder sometimes if SAHMs fall into the trap of running after their children too much, resulting in the child expecting attention straight away at all times. DS very much knows the meaning of the word "Wait!"

[tomverlaine]

I think the thing to do is to make sure that you have the choice about what to do- you can end up forced down one route or the other by your financial situation rather than making a free choice.
I look at SAHM's and think they have little to complain about but thats partly because I never had the option so it looks idyllic.

[morethanpotatoprints]

Cailin.
Totally agree it doesn't take a lot of money, big house or no privacy to go to the toilet.

I have never spent all day pretending to be a horse, playing with lego or cleaning a house for that matter, even without a cleaner or childcare.
I have always had lots of adult stimulation, time for hobbies and interests and enjoy the freedom that being a sahm provides.
Once the dc are at school it is even better as there is even more time and now with dd (9) the only one at home we have lots of fun. The freedom allowed me to deregister her from the education system and educate her at home. Now we do what we like and don't have a 9 to 3 time scale. I consider we are very fortunate but our situation could be the worst for others. Its each to their own.

[MrsMushroom]

Without being patronizing, before I had kids I thought I knew what tired was. I travelled long journey's for work...I had long days....stressful job...BUT I could take a bath when I wanted...have a lunch break, buy clothes, pluck my eyebrows, put on makeup....once you have DC everything you do is for someone else.

That's fucking exhausting.

[BeebiesQueen]

Callin, I think your experiences and my experiences are very diffrent, I wish my life were like yours!

dd2 is very demanding, very clingy and hates being put down. She screams practically from the moment she wakes to when she falls asleep, and increasingly thats getting less and less. I think that unless you've had a child like this its difficult to imagine what it would be like. Trust me I never imagined this is what my life would be like, I am very strict and not at all a push over, so its not because I'm weak.

any way, her crying upsets dd1 and when I stop to make lunch for us all, both girls are so upset when I finish, dd2 needs a cuddle, meaning I can have about 2 bites and dd1 needs constant reassuring. Making dinner in the evening is the same.

And if I dont stick to routine both girls cant cope and get upset. so after lunch we do xy and z which means i cant finish lunch as it needs to be packed away.

I am lucky in that the girls go to bed at 6pm and are asleep by 6.30 so I've accepted I eat around 7.30 and dont really bother any more.

having said that for the past 3 days both girls have been having a nap at the same time giving me 2 whole hours to myself in the day. I'm so giddy with excitement! :o

I know that not having time to eat is a choice, but we all make choices in a job, for eg op chooses to have a long commute.

[BeebiesQueen]

sorry I have about 2 bites because dd2 is grabbing at what I'm eating and wont be put down or in a high chair.
And just for further clarification, dd2 spent the first 7 months of her life in a lot of pain, shes suffering effects of that and leaving her to cry it out right now would do more damage than good as shes reassured the pain isnt comming back etc
(maybe that might explain a few things! I forget you cant see my life, just what i type!]

[morethanpotatoprints]

Beebies.

I'm not sure what your plans are for when your dds start school but I can assure you it gets better. I only had one like this and it was exhausting but you'll look back in years to come and it will be forgotten. I have to think hard to remember details. Probably little consolation I know.

[CailinDana]

Ah - having a particularly clingy child is a whole other kettle of fish. You have my sympathy! DS for some reason is fine with me making lunch but goes a bit mental when I try to make dinner (probably due to tiredness) so I make his dinners at the weekend and freeze them then DH makes dinners for me and him when he gets in. Could you do something like that - quick lunch stuff for the girls during the week, pre-prepared, so you can bung it into them quickly and eat at the same time? I know I'm harping on a bit about this but I know that not eating makes me so miserable and makes everything harder and more stressful.

More than - like you, I don't actually play a huge amount with DS. I bring him out a lot and he plays with other children. I play a game with him now and again but most of our interaction involves him "helping" me with housework, chatting to me or reading a book with me. I don't think it's necessary for a SAHM to play a huge amount with children unless they really enjoy it. I find it dreadfully boring so I find ways out of it!

[carabos]

Anyone whose dream is to be cooped up at home with small children for anything longer than a few hours needs to grow a better imagination IMHO.