Worried about playschool not seeing both sides...

[Shellylou82]

My son has been at playschool for just over a year (he's 3 and 1 month old). He seems to enjoy going and had made some friends.

He is naughty sometimes, like most 3 year olds) and if he ever comes out of playschool saying he's been smacked or scratched, I treat it as kids being kids and take no notice. I don't kick up a fuss with playschool, I just assume that they will have handled it.

Recently, I feel like he is being told off and brandished as the trouble maker when it's a title for tat situation. for example...I took him to playschool today and he was playing with something and a girl came to try and take it off him. I told him to share but nobody said anything to the girl about not taking toys off other people. As I was walking through the door I heard one of the staff moaning at my son because he was chasing this girl (she now had the toy in her hand, so obviously my son had chased after her). Her tone was awful towards him, really disrespectful. My son can speak quite well, but no time was taken to ask what had happened. He was just, I feel, brandished the trouble maker. It's happened before... I watched him get pushed over by another boy and a toy took off my son, when my son got up and tried to take it back, he was told off. I did speak up on that occasion but then I felt like one of those moms who thinks the Sun shines out of him (I don't, he can be naughty and I fully support the staff if he's naughty and they tell him off). There was 3 children running around when I picked him up last week and yet it was only my son who was told he'd be put on the naughty chair if he didn't stop. Is it me or is this a bit unfair?

I've asked playschool for feedback on his behaviour and they praise him up. he's kind and polite and interacts well, they say he copies the naughtier children though but is generally good. if they really thought that then why does he keep having the blame for situations which look to me like tit for tat.

What are your thoughts? Im going to fetch him soon, so I'll see if anything gets mentioned. I feel like dropping his days down a bit but I don't honestly believe that will benefit my son, it'll just make me feel better...so I know im being daft there.

any thoughts or anyone dealt with this? thanks

Why don't you have a chat with his key worker and explain your concerns? Your post is balanced and reasonable so talk to the nursery the way you've explained on here and I'm sure you'll get a reasonable response.

I think you should print your post off and take it in to show his keyworker. It gives a clear and balanced case and doesn't sound at all like you think yours is a golden child which is what can happen when trying to express it verbally.

thanks for your replies xxx. arrived at playschool and my DS has decided to bite another child for eating his breadstick!! so didnt get chance to say anything and would have felt a bit daft given his behaviour today. think I shall monitor it and maybe DS is going through an overly naughty phase which is why he is getting the majority of tellings offs. he doesn't demonstrate it at home and he isn't usually a biter and I don't think it's acceptable for him to bite so im going to trust that he needs the extra discipline at the moment, I think.

It's so hard because until I picked him up I felt he was the victim but now im wondering. hopefully a phase that will pass :-) xxx

It might be a good idea to model some situations at home and talk about how to deal with them. I have taught mine to say really loudly 'I was playing with that, please give it back' and to keep saying it until a teacher helps.

I don't always think asking a child to share helps. It's too complicated a concept. I think it's better to say 'Let x play on that too' if it is a big toy like a kitchen but lots of things can't be shared so it's better to ask the other child to wait for a turn and then ask your child to hand it over after a minute or two.

Thanks cakebar, that's a good idea about setting up some situations and seeing how he reacts and trying to encourage a reaction that will get the teachers attention. DS1 starts at school nursery in September and im hoping that may prove a bit more fair. for example...if DS1 misbehaves (which im sure he will at times), they might speak to him to try and find out the reason, rather than taking everything at face value. we'll see. thank u all for your replies though xxx

You sound like a really sensible, balanced mum. You acknowledge that your DS can be naughty sometimes but want to make sure he isn't being labelled unfairly which is completely understandable, and that he is being spoken to in a calm, positive way. I think if you continue to work in partnership with the nursery (ie say, we have been working on these skills at home, sharing, listening to instructions) they will know that you are taking things seriously but at the same time looking actively for solutions if you see what I mean. Good luck!

Bear in mind that your DS might feel just the same as you do.

It is possible that being labelled as the naughty child is what has made him so frustrated and angry that he lost his temper and bit the other child.

If he is always assumed to be in the wrong and his rights aren't asserted by the staff he certainly won't see the point in asking an adult to help him deal with this sort of situation.

It shouldn't happen but it does. Some settings struggle to use positive behaviour management strategies and this is the sort of behaviour they see as a result.

I think you need to go in and speak to the manager now and ask whether their behaviour management policy is properly implemented. Sometimes it takes someone questioning them to make them realise they need to pull their socks up.

Thank you so much for your replies and advice. DH and I have spoken to DS this evening and it transpires that there was an incident earlier on where the boy he bit pulled his chair from behind DS. Then during snacktime he ate DS's cheese and breadsticks, which is what lead to the biting. I do not condone the biting at all and DS has agreed he needs to apologise to the boy he bit when he sees him on Monday, but I am relieved that it wasnt totally unprovoked. anyways....I will speak to his key worker on Monday. She is lovely and quite approachable, more so than the playschool leader.

Thank you again everyone for your replies and advice xxxx

Oh and goldmandra, thank you lots for your suggestions. really helpful, im not the one for confrontation, avoid it at all costs....soooo if ur free Monday mornin, dya fancy popping into playschool with me ha xx

I went through similar with ds at nursery. It was horrible as I felt torn between sounding like a mental "my child is perfect" mum and sticking up for ds. It helped when I witnessed a few things. I was watching ds and another boy playing with a ball. They both ran for it and bumped heads, total innocent accident. Ds walked away like nothing happened, the other boy started crying and saying that ds had hurt him. No staff had seen it, but took the other boys word. They went to speak to ds when I intervened. He'd been labelled the naughty one and they were happy to work on that assumption.

I know what you mean about not liking confrontation. Before I had to fight tooth and nail to get my children the school provision they needed I was like that.

You could just ask to see a copy of the policy rather than asking if they adhere to it. It would be a more roundabout way of getting them to think about it without having to confront them head-on.

It would also mean that if the problem continues and you do have to confront them you can use the policy as a basis for addressing the problem.

It's actually a lot easier to say "Your policy states that you will..." than it is to say "I think you should....."

I am watching this with interest. I have a, what's the euphemism for naughty, spirited child. I'm having to be careful who she is around. She will pick up behaviours from other naughty spirited children if she spends too much time with them. Also, I need to be around mothers who 'get' her.

Today a newish friend said something that really piqued me. I said that I had to watch her because we were in a busy environment and she can get a bit much. Newish friend said that yes, DD is busy but always shares and also, if she hurts another child, always looks and acts sorry and tries to make amends. All true but I get worried so don't notice and reward that.

As I was walking through the door I heard one of the staff moaning at my son because he was chasing this girl (she now had the toy in her hand, so obviously my son had chased after her). Her tone was awful towards him, really disrespectful. My son can speak quite well, but no time was taken to ask what had happened.

This part would worry me the most.

I understand that it's sometimes difficult for nursery workers to know which child did or started what and thus always deal with the situation fairly and appropriately.

But I would not be able to abide an adult speaking in an unpleasant or disrespectful way to my DC - whether he had been 'naughty' or not.

I would bring this incident up with either the nursery manager or his keyworker. If you're still not satisfied that they have understood or acted on your concerns I would consider moving him elsewhere tbh.