To think that just once do could put me first?

[Softkittybitingmyfoot]

Small issue really but feels like the last straw to me tonight.

I'm 13 weeks with dc1 and am suffering badly with anxiety and depression, trying to get through till mid feb when psychiatrist says I can go back on drugs.
Am self employed and managing to maintain full time work through sheer willpower as am breadwinner, dp doing PhD. Also trying to save as will have no maternity pay.
I have spent a large part of the last few years supporting dp in coming to terms with stuff from her childhood and the effect it has on her now, her processing this has mean she has been unable to function normally in many respects, so I have borne most of the responsibility for the household, finances etc as well as doing all the emotional work in our relationship.
I now feel pretty much at the end of being able to cope. We have our scan tomorrow morning, and I'm not working till the evening. Over the last few days I've found it very hard to cope if I am on my own. Dp has no need to go into university (social science PhD) and I suggested we go for lunch after the scan, to celebrate and hopefully help me to cope with the day. Dp says no, there's a seminar she wants to go to. This is in no way important to her PhD, merely
networking/socialising.
Aibu to think that just for once she could not do something she wants to do to support me, when I spend my fucking life supporting her?
I know I am being irrational, it's the anxiety talking, but nonetheless, couldn't she just help me for once, even if I am being irrational? For some reason the thought of being alone all tomorrow makes me feel like killing myself. And now she is downstairs crying because I said I didn't want to talk to her.

If you are feeling suicidal please get in touch with your psychiatrist or a mental health helpline and talk about what can be done to help you until you can get back on your meds.

Not unreasonable at all.

Your partner has got to meet you halfway here. She is being really, really unfair. And selfish. you're pregnant. You're bringing in the money. You're saving. You're working to keep the relationship together and she's... ? Doing what? What's her contribution to the relationship?

Crying doesn't solve anything. When she's finished, the problems will still be there and will need to be talked about and something will have to change.

Set out what it is that you need from her and talk about it.

I've had anxiety, still have flare ups sometimes, and i know the feeling of not wanting to be alone. I didn't like being alone with my own thoughts as i needed the distraction from them.

Did you tell her why you wanted to go to lunch so much? Why do you have to wait until Feb to go on medication?

Just being a bit stupidly hyperbolic about suicide- have no intention of killig myself, just feeling a bit desperate and hopeless. Will prob make urgent app with gp tomorrow to see if they can help. Psych is private as have been waiting 4 months for nhs referral and can't afford another appointment with him at the moment.

I'm not sure what she brings. She is genuinely a lovely person underneath, but her own issues get in the way of her being an emotional support to me. I have just accepted that up to this point I guess. She cries and I make it better. I just don't feel I can anymore.

May I be very presumptuous and assume as you are in a same sex relationship, this baby was jointly wanted and you both attended clinics etc to enable you to be impregnated?

I do find your partners attitude quite odd, given the lengths you would have had to go through to become pregnant together.

No, I didn't tell her really. I have told her how terrible I have been feeling and She knows being on my own for long stretches doesn't help me. I guess I just keep wishing she will offer support of her own volition, rather than me having to specifically spell everything out, and then her possibly agreeing but with resentment!
Feb for meds is because of the potential risks to baby of taking them in the first trimester apparently.

Well OP it's time for you to think of just you and the gorgeous new life that you have created. Stop trying to make your partner do the right thing and just concentrate on your own well being. You sound like such a strong person to be doing what you are in the first place, draw on that and I know you will be ok.

On a practical note, I understand that If you're paying NI you should get SMA equivalent to SMP even if self employed. Not a huge amount of cash, but some.

Hope you can work things out and can enjoy your pregnancy.

"I know I am being irrational, it's the anxiety talking, but nonetheless, couldn't she just help me for once, even if I am being irrational?"
I don't find you irrational at all. You have a lot on your plate and you're handling it all pretty damned well IMO. Although I have to admit I am concerned that you are doing way too much.

" ... dp doing PhD ... she has been unable to function normally in many respects"
That conflicts a bit to me TBH. If she can't function normally, to the point that you have to tale on all the responsibilities; how is she able to function enough to do a PhD, something I assume takes a lot to do ? Taken alongside "She cries and I make it better" the picture I am getting of her is not a nice one - perhaps even a bit manipulative?

Sounds like you've spent an awful lot of time supporting and "fixing" your DP. People who require so much involvement often turn out to be incredibly self centred and not able to reciprocate support.

Hope you feel stronger soon and things work out.

Second the Maternity Allowance comment - I am self employed and it's fairly easy to claim (assuming you've been paying NI etc) so worth looking into as it works out at about £500 a month. Good luck - hope you can work it out with DP.

Yeah maternity allowance is such a help! And easy to claim in my experience.

Its awful that you aren't getting the support you need. It is strange that she can't support you but can put all the time and effort that's required into her phd.

Perhaps you should actually tell her that you need more support from her. She might genuinely not realise. Perhaps give her that chance and if nothing changes think about what you want to do next.

As another poster said, I am slightly struggling to understand why, with the various problems you outlined above, you decided, as a couple, to have a child at this time, but, having done so, less than three months down the line your partner is not supporting you in the way that you need. A careful and honest conversation is needed and if things don't change, you may have to, for your own sake, end the relationship. A good friend of mine was in a relationship for five years (which also happened to be same sex) and the partner was a nightmare of neuroses, paranoia, inability to hold down a job. When they got together my friend was doing really well, having overcome serious issues of her own, had a mortgage, a good job. By the time they eventually split, friend was officially bankrupt and homeless having supported this woman to her own detriment to the point of utterly losing everything she'd built up. Please try and get some help to deal with all of this now, before the baby comes so that when it arrives, you know where you are.