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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not move Heaven and Earth to get my kids into the "best" school?

31 replies

KatyTheCleaningLady · 23/01/2013 18:52

So we moved to England from Scotland over Christmas break. Living in a good town, near my inlaws. Yay!

Well, I didn't realize that you couldn't just show up at the primary school nearest to your house and say "Here's some new kids for you!" I felt extremely lucky to find two places for them at the same school.... and it just happens to be the closest school to our house. And it's also the closest school to the inlaw's house. Very handy!

Well, my MIL is just out of her mind with... whatever she has .... because my kids can't go the the Catholic school. We're Catholic. My husband went to that school and one of my kids was even baptised at that parish. But, there's no spaces. Thing is, it's supposedly the best primary school in the whole city.

Meanwhile, the school we got is ranked towards the bottom of the whole city. From what I hear, the school was neglected and left under a string of temporary head teachers and the recent test scores reflects this. Also, for whatever reason, they have a higher than average number of special needs children. They now have a new head teacher who is supposed to be very good. I've met her and she really impresses me. My youngest has special needs and will be starting reception next year and she's very keen to get him off on to a good start with speech therapy.

It seems to me that this school is in the early years of turning around. Every parent I've talked to is very happy with the school and the teachers.

Most important: my kids love it. Absolutely love it.

But, my MIL is just not letting it go. She can't stop moaning about it and she is pulling strings where she can to see if I can't get at least one of the two older boys in. Also, she believes that I should put my youngest in reception there and then wait/pester/apply/wait to get the older boys in. If that means a couple of years of them at two different schools on opposite sides of town, so be it. Because it's the best school and if I leave them where they are... well... she doesn't say it but she clearly thinks they'll end up illiterate mouth-breathers.

I just don't want to. I like where they are. It's convenient and I don't think it's a bad school. The boys are happy. And I'm not in the mood to juggle two schools.

AIBU to not go to any lengths to get my kids into the very best school possible? I am not from the UK and I may not understand the importance of this.

OP posts:
Floggingmolly · 23/01/2013 18:56

What strings could she possibly pull?

Fairyegg · 23/01/2013 18:56

well its lucky that you are their mother and not your mil then isn't it. Yanbu.

Clayhead · 23/01/2013 18:57

I am from the UK and don't get it either Grin.

Stick to your guns, you know if it's the school for your dc and it sounds like it is. I also chose a school which wasn't 'the best' for my dc after a house move (no family pressure though, thank God) and they love it. It is on the up and the dc are thriving.

People's views on what makes 'the best' school differ. Some people look at league tables and Ofsteds, some don't, I'm in the second camp.

Cornsyilk99 · 23/01/2013 18:58

dh needs to tell MIL to back off
They aren't her children

SelfconfessedSpoonyFucker · 23/01/2013 18:59

"MIL, you are making such an effort on our behalf and that is very kind and loving but you need to stop because we aren't moving the boys. I know you don't agree and that is ok but they are staying where they are."

FlouncingMintyy · 23/01/2013 19:00

Yanbu. They are your children and you get to choose where they go to school and there are many reasons why a less highly-ranked (on paper) school may suit you and your family better.

Time and again I see people express the view that we should all do everything in our power to get our children the best possible education possible. I happen to disagree as, for a start, what comprises the "best possible education" is highly subjective.

I also think if a school is good enough for most of the people in my community then it is good enough for my kids - there is nothing so special about them that I feel the need to bust a gut or bend the rules or fiddle the admissions process or bankrupt myself or even move house to get them into a particular school.

But I often feel I am in the minority over this.

SelfconfessedSpoonyFucker · 23/01/2013 19:01

We moved one of our kids out of a school that people are dying to get their kids out of, noone seems to understand, the 'best school' isn't necessarily 'best' for my kid.

SelfconfessedSpoonyFucker · 23/01/2013 19:01

sorry, dying to get their kids INTO, not out of.

AChickenCalledKorma · 23/01/2013 19:05

What is "best" is not set in stone. All you can do is what's "best" for your children.

And a local school where they are happy, you are happy and there is decent provision for special needs, sounds pretty much spot-on to me.

But then I have also sent my children to the "worst" school in the area. Where they happen to be thriving, emotionally, academically and in every respect that matters. (And DD1 is now in Year 6, so we've had plenty of time to discover any problems!)

PenelopeChipShop · 23/01/2013 19:19

There's a difference between the best school FOR YOU and what sounds like the most popular school. I'd stick to your guns if you and, more importantly, the kids, are happy.

manicinsomniac · 23/01/2013 19:22

YANBU because it sounds like you are already in the best school for you and your family (convenience, SN, the positive feelings you have, them loving it).

If it wasn't the best for them though, you would be BU because not much else is more important than education and schooling (imo)

sittinginthesun · 23/01/2013 19:25

You sound very sensible to me.Smile

I do think you need a firm word with your MIL, though, otherwise she will just keep going on and on.

Just tell her straight - you are very happy with the current school, you are but going to move them. Full stop!

(My MIL went on for years about the local church school. I had no intention of applying, and had no chance of getting a place as they practically wanted you to live at the church and personally fund the new roof! She still kept saying the DH should "write a letter to the vicar", because that is what her niece did. )

manicbmc · 23/01/2013 19:26

One of the best schools around here regularly excludes children they can't handle rather than helping them. Our school gets these kids and usually does a great job to help them turn things around.

League tables mean nothing at all. Stick to your guns OP and keep your kids where they are happy and tell the mil to bugger off.

freddiefrog · 23/01/2013 19:26

YANBU

We've done pretty much the same as you.

The school that we chose for our kids was always considered the 'dodgy' school, but we loved it, as did the kids when we had a look round, the head was brilliant, the school fantastic, well maintained and equipped and we loved their teachers.

I hated the 'best' school that everyone fights tooth and nail to get their kids into.

The year before my kids started at the school, a new head had been appointed and dragged it up by its boot straps. Is now good with outstanding features, has excellent SATs results, and most importantly is an excellent, caring and nurturing school.

Now, everyone who sneered at us is desperately trying to move their kids.

The 'best' school isn't always best for an individual child.

werewolvesdidit · 23/01/2013 19:27

A school with a high number of SEN pupils means lots more support/money/and well-trained staff to support your youngest.

PureQuintessence · 23/01/2013 19:29

Go with your gut and the school which is convenient, close to you, and you are happy with! It is your children, and your choice in school. She had her time, her children, in the school she wanted. You want different. Your say counts.

Also a lot easier for the children to local friends.

Boomerwang · 23/01/2013 19:33

What's a 'mouth-breather'? Someone with a cold?

Your MIL wants what she thinks is best, but is it for religious purposes or because the Catholic school is a good place to be educated?

Original poster
KatyTheCleaningLady · 23/01/2013 19:35

Thanks for backing me up!

I was worried that I was letting laziness sway me. Because this school is close to home and straddling two schools would be a huge hassle.

If they were miserable there, I'd think about it. But they really do seem to love it.

OP posts:
PandaOnAPushBike · 23/01/2013 19:37

Nope you are not being unreasonable. My daughter also got a place at the local Catholic school. It is academically beyond doubt the best school in the area and parents fight to get their children into it. My daughter was so unhappy that I eventually moved her out to one where the headteacher was more concerned with children's wellbeing and happiness than school results. We never looked back.

Original poster
KatyTheCleaningLady · 23/01/2013 19:37

Boomerwang A "mouth breather" means someone stupid and uncouth. I didn't make the expression up, though.

My MIL is just absolutely convinced that this school is the very best. (From what I understand, that what most people around here believe.) She doesn't care about the religious aspect. She's agnostic/atheist. She just feels very strongly that the school we're in is very bad because someone she knows worked as a dinner lady there a few years ago and said it was bad.

From what I understand, there were problems a few years ago and the school has been on the mend, starting recently.

OP posts:
Yfronts · 23/01/2013 19:41

As long as your kids seem happy and are blossoming, then keep them at the school. You will know if your need to move them.

You could always look round the catholic school just to say you have seenit and decided against it for soon to be reception child.

FlouncingMintyy · 23/01/2013 19:43

Just as an aside, can I say I love your user name Yfronts! Grin

MiddleAgeMiddleEngland · 23/01/2013 19:43

At that age, being happy and secure is probably the best thing for your children. Go with your instinct. A child's education is only partly done at school, anyway. A lot will depend on what behaviour the parents model, the sort of things children do out of school and the attitude towards learning and education in the family.

FWIW, my dcs spent most of their primary at a school in special measures. We could have moved them, but they were incredibly happy, it was very local, and we had faith in their teachers. Some parents moved their children after the terrible Ofsted report and thought we were mad not to. Fast forward a few years, both got all As and A stars at GCSE, and one participates at their particular hobby at national level so premumably their education wasn't ruined.

If you and they are happy, stick with it!

LesbianMummy1 · 23/01/2013 19:44

We went for the school everybody was fighting for and appealed for a place and won. Six weeks later we realised we had made a mistake. We went back and forwards for meetings with this "amazing school". A year ago we decided enough was enough and moved our dd. She is now in the failing school as decided by Ofsted league table results are awful but it is absolutely amazing the school has high sen high free school meals therefore it gets extra funding, extra support and children are really valued. I lost "friends" over my awful decision but oh well my dd is happy and ds 2 wants to start there next year when he old enough.

pointythings · 23/01/2013 20:16

Hmm, let me think...

On one side:

  • Your visit and gut instinct
  • The testimony of other parents who have their children there
  • Your DCs blossoming

On the other side:

  • One dodgy secondhand story dating from years ago.

Bit of a no-brainer, that. Well done you and stick to your guns.