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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To let one person have so much control over me

20 replies

scottishegg · 23/01/2013 13:25

Hi all, I am a 29 year old woman with a husband and 4 lovely children, I see myself as a fairly confident friendly person with quite a lot of friends and a close family. However for the last couple of years I have been having a few issues with my sister in law who I have been close to for over 10 years.

Everything was great between us until I got married 3 years ago and she realised that my parents were giving me a lot of financial help towards it- this wasnt my choice but my mum wanted me to have the wedding that she never had,

My sis in law and brother had got married the year before and although my parents helped they didnt completely pay for it although in the past they have given my brother a lot of help with loans he didnt have to pay back and free childcare which is something I have never had.

In the last few years she has changed and completely backed off from me and my parents to a lesser extent she came to my hen night under sufferance, went home a day earlier and then moaned that I was ignoring her and rude to her which I know I wasnt.

She doesnt include me very much in my nephews life, she never gives me school pics and doesnt really have a lot to do with my children.

Me and my brother are still fairly close but the problem is that I rely a lot on her approval and the scraps of friendships she offers when she feels like it.

I am really unsure why this is as I know if she was just a friend and not a part of my family I would quite happily keep my distance and move on but for some reason I am still hankering after the friendship we used to have.

Maybe this is because I am scared that she will turn my brother and my nephew against me and family is very very important to me.

I am just wondering what I can do to maintain a distance but still have a good relationship with her/them, I seem to hang on to every word she says and gets annoyed if she doesnt respond to texts etc when I am not like that normally.

Im a not some sort of crazy stalker or anything I promise just wondering why allow this woman so much control over my life and emotions.

OP posts:

JugglingFromHereToThere · 23/01/2013 13:37

That's such a shame that it seems she has allowed some feelings of jealousy about your respective weddings to spoil an otherwise good friendship.

Could you talk with her or your brother about ways that your parents have helped them (loans and child-care over the years) to possibly help them see that things have been fairer than they have thought ?

I'd suggest talking it all over with your brother anyway as a possible way forward - and back to a friendship you valued

MrsCR · 23/01/2013 13:38

Have you considered talking to her and asking her what has happened to make her act like this?

at least this way she can get whatever it is off her chest and you can try and start again

Unless you tell her how you feel and ask her what's changed you will be forever chasing after and trying to fix an unknown problem

HecateWhoopass · 23/01/2013 13:56

Short answer is that she hasn't.

You have control over you.

These are your feelings and you have to own them.

You feel like this. You fear things have gone wrong. You are worried.

Things won't change until you take control of the way you feel and see your feelings as yours and not things that other people do to you. iyswim.

You need to change the way you feel. Change the way you see this relationship. She's got as much power over your feelings as you give her and no more.

You can be polite, friendly, nice and have a good relationship with your nephew and brother and a civil one with her, and perhaps that will have to be good enough.

Stop texting her. Stop trying to be mates. Be friendly when your paths cross. See how that goes.

Original poster

scottishegg · 23/01/2013 14:18

Thanks all, she has made it clear to others that she feels hard done by in regards to the wedding (although I am not supposed to know this) and it has been like treading on egg shells with her for a while now.
I think though that if I ever confronted her she would play her I'm such a lovely person card and wouldnt think that. I have come to accept things arent as they were and I guess what I am really trying to ask advice about is how I can stop allowing myself to be controlled by her rather than trying to fix a problem caused by her insecurities as I really dont want to have to deal with her and her issues.

Hecate You are exactly right for some reason I am allowing her far too much control over my life and I guess I need to address the issues as to why.

OP posts:

GoldPlatedNineDoors · 23/01/2013 14:21

So your parents paid in full for on of their dcs weddings and not the other one? Seems rather unfair to me.

Not that she should be angry with you for that.

Original poster

scottishegg · 23/01/2013 14:29

Yeah the reason being my mum has given my brother frequent loans which are never paid off and free full time childcare for the past 7 years, My other brother is being put through university and will get a car after he graduates so the money has been split fairly between us, mine just went on my wedding.

I think the issue was that alot of the money my mam gave my brother went on cars etc and alot of that was before they got together so I think she feels she personally hasnt seen this money and feels shes entitled to a share.

OP posts:

JugglingFromHereToThere · 23/01/2013 14:32

Perhaps they were being traditional though GoldPlated ? But I agree parents need to try to be fair, and to be seen to be if poss too !

snuffaluffagus · 23/01/2013 14:33

Has someone explained this to her? What does your brother think about it all?

Original poster

scottishegg · 23/01/2013 14:34

As I have explained we have all had the same amount of money just in different ways and over different periods of time.

OP posts:

DeWe · 23/01/2013 14:34

She doesnt include me very much in my nephews life, she never gives me school pics and doesnt really have a lot to do with my children.

Have you asked for school pics? I would never assume one of my or dh's siblings would want a school pic. If they asked for one I'd happily get one (although ours are reasonable price, a lot are very expensive, so you might want to offer to pay) but giving them one would seem a little strange to me. I would assume, unless they said so, that they would have photos from family gatherings if they wanted them.

Original poster

scottishegg · 23/01/2013 14:37

My brother is completely fine about it all and never said a word, she does know about the money as its frequently mentioned I just think she wanted the money to go on her special day whereas my brother wanted it for cars etc and had a big chunk of it before they met and she has admitted she knows she wouldnt be able to work without my mums childcare.

Besides which none of this is my fault Im Just the one getting the full brunt of her moods.

OP posts:

HecateWhoopass · 23/01/2013 14:38

If that is what she thinks (and I appreciate you are only speculating) she sounds really grabby. She personally is entitled to sweet FA.

Both children have been helped in roughly equal amounts by their parents.

One child in a lump sum for a wedding. The other in dribs and drabs for many, many things.

Original poster

scottishegg · 23/01/2013 14:39

Yeah I have asked for school pics frequently,she sorts out her side of the family first even great aunts and uncles get them before me.

OP posts:

Original poster

scottishegg · 23/01/2013 14:40

Yeah exactly Hecate we have all had the money in different ways and for different things.

OP posts:

maddening · 23/01/2013 14:44

God knows why she feels entitled to your parents' money! She sounds v grabby and childish.

PessaryPam · 23/01/2013 14:44

OP, entitled to a share???? That's bizarre. I would look at some kind of confidence CBT to address your issues and leave the entitled woman to her own bile.

GoldPlatedNineDoors · 23/01/2013 14:49

Fair enough if youve alk had a fair share, agree she is probably miffed that he has spent their share on him though he obviously got it before they got together.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 23/01/2013 16:32

I think you hit the nail on the head when you said perhaps you have worked so hard to keep in touch or risk losing your DB and DN. Confidantes like this in late teens are important. Consciously or not, becoming close meant you stayed close to your brother. Win, win, while it lasted.

I'm not saying I agree with it but it's been tradition that the bride's parents stump up for the bulk of their daughter's wedding cost. Entitled as it may be, does she not have family, did she not contribute to her wedding with DB herself?

She's harped on about this and let it come between you. Love of money corrupts. You can still make efforts to keep in touch but can you change her name on your mobile so instead of her name, it says something like, Don'tChase. Then you might think twice before rushing to text.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 23/01/2013 16:45

Personally I wouldn't worry too much about having school pics of your DN's - family pics (from different family occasions) can be nicer anyway ?! But if you'd like some you could ask her or your brother, they often come in quite large sets after all !

PaulInHolland · 23/01/2013 16:48

Is your brother involved in your DCs' lives? And why can't your brother send you schoolpics of your DN?

But I agree with the others, money and family can often cause unhappiness and jealousy.

You need to talk with your brother about how you feel.But also to look at your own self-confidence and self-esteem issues.As someone else suggested,CBT may help her.

And her behaviour is no reflection upon you,but totally upon her.

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