To pull DP up on this money issue?

[AuntMaysGogs]

We're booking a holiday for me, him and my kids (not his kids). He earns much more than I do and in the beginning I told him I couldn't afford the kind of holiday he was looking at. He said he would pay half of the entire cost. I said I didn't feel comfortable with him paying for me and my kids in this way but he insisted that he didn't mind.

To make myself feel less of a scrounger I insisted on paying for all of the park tickets myself, totalling around £300. He agreed.

So I did that and it ended up coming to £360. No big deal. But I owed him £130 for something else so he suggested I just pay this other part of the trip that costs the same - I agreed. So that should be me paid off - yet he's now asking me to pay for the car hire which will be another £300. He said "you said you wanted to pay a bit more so why don't you pay for car hire, then we're quits". But I've already paid for the park tickets meaning I will have paid over £600 more than him.

I know I'm still getting a good deal here, he's paying much more than he needs to in order for me and the kids to be able to afford to go but this wasn't what we agreed on in the beginning. I was willing to pay £300 more but £600 is really pushing it.

Maybe he's just got his sums wrong but either way, should I bring it up or just get on with it since he doesn't really have to pay as much as he has anyway? The cost of this holiday is crippling me.

He might be a bit confused? Do you need a gentle spreadsheet perhaps?

It sounds a bit like you were really insistent that he shouldn't be paying so much out and now he has asked you to pay a bit more you don't like it.

Why would you not bring it up?

Just say to him it's absolutely fine for him to pay less, but you only agreed to this based on his assurances that he'd pay half, you can't afford the amount you'll end up paying this way, so the holiday will need to be scaled back.

So you've paid half the cost of the holiday, plus an additional £490, and now he is asking for another £300? Correct?

And is the total of the £790, plus half the holiday more than he has paid towards the holiday?

Either way you told him you could not afford the holiday, he offered to pay half the costs to allow you to come and you accepted. I don't see where you actually said you could afford to pay extra? You've obviously tried to help out more, but now he is moving the goal posts again.

Doesn't seem fair to me, you made it clear you couldn't afford it.

I think you've both been overthinking this tbh, that is the flaw of separating money to such an extent. I have dc who aren't my DP's, but when he's offered to pay for a holiday for all of us (the full amount), I haven't been too proud to accept as it would just mean we'd all miss out. I know that DP values my non-financial contribution to the home so our relative earnings don't influence our spending habits. 'Scrounger' is a nasty word and has no meaning in a family where all members are pulling their weight, regardless of salary.

I think you just need to relax a bit more about sharing family money and think of your family (you, your DP and the dc) as a unit, not one that is split between you and your dc, and your DP.

you cant really count the £130 as paying for the holiday,- you said this was money you already owed... so you have paid £660 in total (towards the holiday)... how much is the whole holiday?

So write it all down. Show him what you've paid in total. Compare that to what the two of you agreed in the first place and tell him that this is not affordable for you and it's not what you agreed.

oh yes, but agree with merlot - if you owed him the £130 then you were just paying that back and can't add that onto the holiday costs.

How much is the holiday and how much have you paid?

Exclude the 130 as you haven't paid that off, that was a repayment for something else.

YANBU. You should bring it up. You cannot afford it and this is an issue important to you so you should be able to discuss it with him. Let him know you were willing to pay £300 more but not £600. He should understand your situation. He suggested that type of holiday after all.

You would have paid half the car anyway so at present you are paying £60 more on the park than you thought and £150 more on the car. The £130 is irrelevant.

Ultimately this needs to be discussed. Tell him how much you are able to contribute to the holiday in its entirety then add up how much the whole thing will cost so he can see if it is feasible for him to pay the balance.

Its not a great relationship if you can't be honest about these things!! In sure he will be happy to discuss it all with you

If you are in a strong enough relationship with this man that you are taking your children on holiday with him, then there shouldn't be any of this his money and your money stuff. You are a family. He joined a ready made family and if he wants to go on a family holiday then he should be willing to pay for it.

It seems like he is willing to pay, so what is his reaction when you tell him you can't afford another £300? Have you discussed how spending money is going to work when you are actually in the holiday? How are you going to pay for meals etc?

I am in the same situation as you in that my DH isn't my dcs Dad, but all our money goes into the same pot, including the maintenance I get from the children's Dad. Out of that comes everything that the family needs, which does mean that DH subsidises my dc, but that what he signed up for when he joined this family.

So you wanted to 'pay your way' and get the credit for it, but when he gives you the opportunity you dont like it? And hes still paying the lions share of the hols so your DCs can go?

You sound very ungrateful.

How much is your half of the holiday?

I think the point is that Op wouldn't have booked this holiday normally because she couldn't afford it. He said he would pay half of the cost, and unless he's dense he should realise that didn't mean that she could afford to pay a greater share.
I have a different view to some posters because my ex-H used to do this to me all the time. He'd want to go somewhere I wasn't bothered about and that was beyond my budget, and say he'd pay because he'd like us to go. Then we'd get back and he'd be deducting bits off his contribution to life so that I paid "my share".

Op, sit him down and explain in words of one syllable that when he said he'd pay for half of everything you thought he meant it.