to purposely not invite this girl?

[LeiaRose]

Whilst I was at uni I lived with 5 girls, there are 4 of us that still live in the same city. We all got on really well and it was like living with sisters.

One of the girl (who I was originally closest to as we went to college together and did the same course) the last year of uni would be a bit of a flake. We would organise a house night out and she would be up for it, but when it came to it she would make an excuse, we would go to the cinema regularly (Wednesday 2for1 with student pricing it would only cost £2) and not once did she come with us.

On the last week before we moved out she had persuaded me to go to the end of uni party (tickets cost £40), on the day she cancelled on me and so I didn't end up going. She had family problems.

I told her it was completely fine (although I was a bit upset), she then asked if I wanted to go out for lunch during the week as she was back in the house to pack up all her things to move home. I said I would love to but couldn't do the Monday or Tuesday but any of the other three days I would.

She never text me back and then wrote a group email on the Monday saying she has packed all her things up and wouldn't be going to the house again.

She also went on holiday for a week after she cancelled on the party because of family problems.

It really was the final straw to me.

I have since organised a meal (6 months later) with the girls in the house (apart from the one who doesn't live in the city) but I didn't bother to invite this girl. I heard through one of the girls afterwards that she had asked them if she had done something to offend them because she hadn't been invited.

I am now organising another dinner and have no plans to invite her. I have said to the other girls if they would like to invite her then I'm fine with that, but personally I'm not going to.

I'm at a point in my life where I don't want to make effort with people who wouldn't make the same effort with me and who most of the time can be a flake.

If she wanted to organise a dinner and invite everyone but me then I wouldn't mind, but the fact is she never organising anything anyway.

It's just I can't shake the feeling off that I'm being a bitch and being unreasonable.

I don't want to exclude her to hurt her, I just have no interest in a one way friendship.

Kobyashi reel it in, I am a grown intelligent woman and don't mind being referred to as a girl, it's also a term in speech, like dh saying he's going out with the boys/lads. Life's to shrt to get hung up about something so trivial

I'd pick up the phone and have a chat with her. Explain why you didn't invite her last time and why you are worried about inviting her now. You'd love her to be there but you didn't think she wanted to come to things as she never does.

athewell, it is my take on it, and this is a talk forum where opinions are sought. I have re-read my own post, and I honestly dont see it portray the op in any negative light. I guess we just have to agree to disagree.
Out of curiosity, have you ever lived in a flat share?

Why are so many people determined that this person suffers from anxiety or something like that? The OP has said that she had gone out regularly with others, but has been a flaky friend to the op and the others in this group. It is quite likely that she IS a flake, and has used this group as back up friends for when she doesn't have anything better to do. If she had suffered anxiety ALL her friends would have been continually let down, not just this group of friends.

Leia - you've seen how she treats friends she values, and you've seen how she treats you. Given the stark difference you know she's not a friend to you, so there's absolutely no need to feel guilty for not wanting to invite her.

bully for you girls Just because its not important to you doesn't mean its not important.

Look Op, she hasn't done anything so very terrible has she? Shagged your boyfriend or poisoned your cat?

She forgot about lunch, you could have texted her.
She has family problems - be understanding?

She sees the other girls - well maybe she is better friends with them?

If she is a mutual friend there is an awful lot if 'not inviting' to be had in the coming years.

Invite her, be friendly, you have history and all friendships wax and wane. Be the better person (within reason) as it is an approach that will stand you in good stead in years to come and one I only learned aged 35.

The thing is the op should distance herself from this.woman if she doesn't like her but the awkward bit is excluding her from this old flatmates get together meal - which is where the op can be considered unreasonable.

For her own sake I would def just offer the invite safe in the knowledge that the woman won't turn up and gradually over time memory of her will fade - but at the moment as she is obviously still in touch with someone other than the op it is not the best move in making friends and influencing people to be seen to socially exclude someone who was seen as part of her friendship group - it reflects badly on the op.

Anyway - in a few years she'll most likely have grown away from this big friendship group thing as they all get careers and families - but at the moment this group is important to the op so it's just the best thing to so to maintain a happy friendly feeling. This sort of thing can really force friendships apart.

Yes, I have PureQuintessence but that's not the point.

The point I'm making is that the OP seems willing to move on and forget this friendship. It is the former friend who seemed perturbed that she wasn't asked to the last night out. How do you make from that that she no longer wants to be friendly with OP?

OP You said I can't shake the feeling off that I'm being a bitch and being unreasonable.
Why do you think YABU?

Kobaya if you want to debate the ins and outs of the word Girl, start your own thread.

I agree with what DIY said.
And... I'm an older lady but I have regular 'girls' nights out!

Kobyashi it's not important in te grand scheme of things. To you Mabey not to other people

I think if she had genuine reasons for canceling thats OK. But otherwise maybe say to friends 'she won't come anyway so no point in inviting'

LeiaRose

Have you thought that with this particular person any friendship may have run its course ?. Deciding to hang on in there for one more time is admirable but can be quite draining. Perhaps you could just keep in touch with your other friends whose company you like and take it from there ?

To lots of other people, actually. A great number of women in fact.

Kobayashi - steady on there girl...

Obviously not on this thread Kobaya. But if you really, really want to discuss is start your own thread. Or better still check in the feminism section. I think they discussed this in length pretty recently.

These girls just wanna have fun and discuss their friendships.

Athewell, me and you are clearly reading two different threads.
The op is giving many examples of the friend cancelling, or flat out not bothering, even for her birthday breakfast, and Uni party with tickets costing £40 that she herself invited her to, and op herself says:

"I just feel there's only so many times you can ask someone if they'd like to do something and for them to keep saying no. It makes you feel desperate."

"I don't want to be her friend and Im tired of making the effort with someone who constantly cancels or just flat out says no."

How can I not infer from this that the other girl is less keen on the friendship?

Op does not want this any more, and I am telling her to move on! It is fine to move on from uni friends, and change the tack of the friendship, meet less regularly and not everybody in one group. It is fine for friendships to change. This is not at all a slight on the op, or anything negative on her part at all. Just a situation where friendships has perhaps moved on.

OP did not invite this particular girl to an outing, after repeatedly being turned down. Of course the girl is going to sit up and notice. Only natural to ask if there is something wrong.

I just dont get why you keep picking on my posts. Mine is just an opinion like many others.

I'm not the one who keeps going on about it. But I'll be fucked if I'll pretend it isn't important. Tell it to the one billion rising

Kobaya its just getting embarrassing now. You dragged up this thread to make a point which isn't relevant in the slightest to the OP.

Is your life really that sad? Get a grip girl.

I agree with Amber about social anxieties problems. A lot of people don't realise I have anxieties (I deliberately act confident so I can rush off and escape) but these are exactly the kind of things I would do. Want to and wuss out at the last min and make up an excuse. I have good friends now who persist with me (now that I know what the problem is and am sorting).

The OP said she threw a huge party at their house and her things got trashed!

Doesn't sound like anxiety to me.

And she also said this girl went for weekends away to celebrate other friends birthdays.

Exactly burning, what's tat got to do with it. Best go to the feminism section girl

pigletmania you go girl