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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To still use a monitor for a five year old?

65 replies

LapinDeBois · 22/01/2013 13:50

The other day I got a very snarky comment about the fact that I still have a baby monitor for DS1, who is five (I also have one for his 2 year old brother). I know it probably sounds very precious (and I was always a touch PFB with him) but I have two arguments in my defence. First, he's quite an anxious little soul, and he doesn't like getting out of bed by himself (even in the mornings, let alone at night!). Two, I sleep up in a very well-soundproofed loft conversion, and I really can't hear what's happening downstairs. (A few months ago I forgot to turn the monitor on when he was ill and waking up at night, and the next morning he said 'where were you mummy, I shouted and shouted but you never came '.) I guess I could leave the doors open, but neither of the boys likes the door left open, plus I find it makes the bedrooms perishingly cold in the winter. So - I don't think IABU, though at the same time I realise that I won't be wanting a monitor for him when he's 15, and I'm not quite sure when (or how) to break the habit. Views, please?

OP posts:

taketheribbon · 22/01/2013 15:02

Totally your business. I still have a monitor for dd, aged 5. When she has a bad cold, she sometimes coughs in her sleep till she's sick. If I can hear the build up to it, I can sometimes get there before she actually vomits and lift her head up, which often stops it. So I save myself from having to strip her, me, the bed etc etc.

Anyone who tells me she's too old, can come and do the laundry for me instead!

BerthaTheBogCleaner · 22/01/2013 15:04

How very sensible of you (to have a monitor in those circs). I do think people who have never lived in a house with any form of soundproofing between floors might not really appreciate the problem here.

You stop using the monitor when you know he is confident to get up and find you in the night if he needs you. Then it will be a simple thing to stop using it, not a problem at all. And for the time being, enjoy the fact that he doesn't get up in the night and come and hassle you ...

Lol at Dragonmama - 5 is far too old, I stopped using one at 3, oh except actually I have one for my baby so I leave the door open and it does for the 5yo too ...

We had a house with decent soundproofing between floors and used the baby-monitor to hear the children upstairs in the evening - it was in the little one's room but it picked up the 6yo and 9yo too. Which was handy as the 9yo had nightmares which she stayed sleeping through, crying in her sleep. So we'd hear it on the monitor and go and wake her.

Then we moved house, stopped using the monitor (silly modern house with no sound-proofing, sigh). And then ds2 got Type 1 diabetes so I'm currently hunting for a decent video baby monitor for him - he is 5. I am retraining him to stay in bed and shout if he wakes in the night, as the chances are he's woken cos he is hypo and mustn't go wandering about. I need a monitor with a button on the baby bit that rings on the parent bit ... (and talkback, so I can do the Voice of God, I miss that feature).

DragonMamma · 22/01/2013 19:20

bertha I actually said 'if I felt the need to' use it. I don't. Try reading my post first.

manticlimactic · 22/01/2013 19:28

Why doesn't he like getting out of bed on his own?

Piemother · 22/01/2013 19:33

Sounds like the safe sensible option if you can't hear them from your room. Yanbu

WeAreSix · 22/01/2013 19:38

My eldest DDs are up in a loft conversion. I can't hear them downstairs - I agree the insulation they use is very good!

I have a monitor on their landing. It means I can spy hear them getting up, nightmares, illness etc. They are confident and able to get me if they choose or I can go to them if, say, one of them is vomiting.

They are 9 and 7 years. And I'm not bothered if anyone thinks we should or shouldn't have a monitor up there. It's not hurting anyone and it works for us.

PMTIsMe · 22/01/2013 19:39

DCs are 7 and 5 and I still use one. Wierd acoustics in our house, we cannot hear them from the room next door Both are nervous in the dark, as was I as a child, so I don't expect them to come to me in the middle of the night. Think I prefer going to them to a child looming over me when Im asleep!

Anyway, your own business methinks.

Casserole · 22/01/2013 19:41

We have a similar set up with not being able to hear.

Why don't you put it under his bed, or you can still hear him but he can't see you've still got it on? Then you can work on his confidence in getting up to come and see you whilst knowing you've got a back up in case he really can't.

Casserole · 22/01/2013 19:41

"so", nor "or" !

BerthaTheBogCleaner · 22/01/2013 19:41

Dragon, don't be ridiculous. You said 5 is far too old and you couldn't imagine ever using a monitor with her, but you've thought about what you'd do if you felt the need to use a monitor and you have a plan for that. So clearly you could imagine using a monitor and 5 is not too old. Or perhaps you're just not thinking very clearly. Try reading your own post ...

Foggles · 22/01/2013 19:49

Oh, DS1 & DS2 used to share a bedroom and I found the baby monitor extremely useful in listening to what they were up to. They didn't twig how I knew everything and thought I had special magical powers which was a win-win situation as far as I am concerned.

I can't remember when we removed it but it was definitely before they were teenagers

McNewPants2013 · 22/01/2013 20:06

The baby monitor will be replaced when he has a mobile phone and text you lol.

But keep it, too me it's like my son teddy or my daughter sea lion it's a source of comfort and reassurance. I am sure he will let you know when he is old enough to let it go

BacardiNCoke · 22/01/2013 20:16

I still use one for my 6 and almost 10 year old dds. (Although dd1 does have ASD). Our house is 3 storey, and we sleep on a different floor to them. It's more for my piece of mind than anything, although it has been really handy on a few occasions when dd2 has been vomiting and I wouldn't have heard her other wise. (DD1 could sleep through anything).

twilight81 · 22/01/2013 20:27

Who cares what anyone else thinks? You would never forgive yourself if you didn't hear him in the night if something was really wrong and he couldn't get to you. He will eventually get to an age where he feels confident to get out of bed himself, if it doesn't happen till he's 7 then so what.

badguider · 22/01/2013 20:33

Use a monitor if you want but I think you need to work on your DS's confidence in getting up in the night - what if he needs the toilet? or if he feels sick? will he not go to the bathroom on his own?

Oblomov · 22/01/2013 20:36

You said that he is an anxious child. And that he doesn't like to get out of bed, even in the mornings. These serious anxiety issues need to be addressed. And then when they have you won't need the monitor.

tilbatilba · 22/01/2013 20:56

Not a lot different to having a domestic internal phone system or intercom between rooms - if it works for you all then that's all that matters.

Original poster

LapinDeBois · 22/01/2013 22:34

Thanks for your replies everyone. As usual with MN, lots of food for thought. I think I now feel that although IA not BU, the fact that we have a monitor has stopped me from giving more attention to building his confidence and independence. In response to queries, he's never wanted to get out of bed himself, and TBH I never saw it as a huge deal (five still seems relatively little to me to be wandering the house on your own when everyone else is still asleep). But I know lots of other kids do, so maybe he's more unusual than I thought. Equally, I've never thought of him has having 'serious anxiety issues' - but he is a sensitive child who hates scary books, tv etc and loathes any sort of fighting or meanness except with his brother. I guess part of the reason I've never tackled the not getting out of bed thing is because it has its advantages - he never gets up in the night, and in the morning he just turns his lamp on and reads in bed until 7am, at which point he lets us know (by shouting) that he's up. But he then always wants us to go down to him. TBH I don't think it's purely a fear thing - he's quite rule-bound, and I think he's just decided that that's how it 'works' (even though I've never explicitly said that he has to stay in bed until we come down). As for the toilet issue, he has a freakishly cast iron bladder, and has never once in all the time he's been out of nappies at night (ie two years) needed a wee in the night .

But anyway, the long and short of it is that I think you've all convinced me to take at least minor action. I quite like casserole's suggestion of a monitor under the bed, or perhaps I'll put it on the landing with the door ajar. But in any case, I'll talk to him about how we'd like him to come and find us rather than vice versa. I'm also hoping his little brother may help - he's going into a bed very soon, and he is utterly fearless, so I'm hoping they might start getting up together and playing in the mornings.

OP posts:

andtheycalleditbunnylove · 22/01/2013 22:35

monitor as much as you like. i used to go in and check my daughter was breathing up until she went to university. not always. just sometimes.

TheArbiter · 22/01/2013 22:36

If you sleep in a soundproofed fortress of solitude in a vast house, then yes you do need a monitor and to hell with everyone else.

PowerPants · 22/01/2013 22:37

teebee wins the prize for the most perfect answer.

iwantanafternoonnap · 22/01/2013 22:53

I live in a bungalow and still have one in DS (3) room and I am not going to let it go for a long time. With both mine and his bedroom doors shut I can't really hear him call plus if I have my tele on then I stand no chance of hearing him.

Plus I like listening to him telling his little stories at night as he goes to sleep

iwantanafternoonnap · 22/01/2013 23:00

My DS also just used to call when he woke up in the morning and stayed sat on his bed after reading for a bit. I certainly never put it down to anxiety issues but more that he was just used to me going in to get him. As soon as I said I will start leaving your door open and mine when I go to bed he then started to come into my room (along with sodding buzz lightyear, mr potato head, woody, etc etc)

My DS also never needs the toilet during the night either. I think some posters are trying to make out their is a problem when their is not. Every child is different but that doesn't make it an anxiety issue.
Your DS sounds fine to me and don't worry about it. If he is doing this at 18 then that would be an issue.

QOD · 22/01/2013 23:07

My friend has one for her 13 yr old dd .... She's diabetic and makes noises when she goes hypo.
Can't see how it's hurting anyone, we had a two way one for years, I sold it on eBay to an old man who wanted to be able to talk to his poorly wife when she was upstairs :o

Original poster

LapinDeBois · 22/01/2013 23:08

Thank you afternoonnap I'm so glad it's not just mine!! Actually I was talking to someone else a while back whose son was exactly the same, until the day she came downstairs and panicked to find his room empty, then discovered him downstairs watching TV and eating a piece of toast .

OP posts:

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