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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

family, weddings, blah blah - longest post ever, I'm sorry.

13 replies

babanouche · 22/01/2013 12:49

I'll try to keep this short. - ha! That didn't really work out, did it?

My cousin's wedding is coming up. The invitations went out saying no kids allowed. Before our invite arrived, she called to say there were exceptions to this and that my 2 kids were welcome. I got this on voicemail.

So I tried to call her back to make sure she didn't feel pressured into inviting my kids. Couldn't get hold oh her so left a message on her FB page asking her to call. This was about a week ago.

Spoke to her a couple of days ago - the kids are totally welcome so we go ahead and book 2 hotel rooms & a babysitter so me & dh can stay late. Eldest dc is very fond of this babysitter and was really excited to hear she'd be seeing her.

Then I get a call from my cousin saying her parents are saying no, my kids can't come & she shouldn't have invited them. There are a lot of kids on the other side of the family and none of them are coming. It wouldn't be fair. My two are the only kids on this side.

The last wedding in the family was cancelled & DC1 was supposed to be bridesmaid at that. She was understandably upset but it was unavoidable. So when I began to tell her about the wedding & BS the other night, she immediately slumped and said 'is it cancelled?'. And I was really pleased to say no, it's not and what's more you're going to see this babysitter again. But now I have to tell eldest child she can't come to wedding or see her old babysitter (we moved away so haven't seen BS for a year but were very close beforehand).

As well as this OMG I KNOW IT'S GOING ON FOREVER!!!! is the fact that cousin's mum & I had a big argument regarding equal marriage a few months back. She revealed some pretty horrible views & we've hardly spoken since. There's also hostility coming towards me from my aunt's brother regarding the same issue. So I find it difficult to accept this isn't informing my aunt's position. She's never been happy because I didn't marry even though I'm in a long lasting, stable relationship. It feels a little like 1930s Ireland tbh.

Anyway - the point of all this is that I'm feeling so anxious about all of this, not sleeping, can't concentrate on work etc etc - I'm really close to cutting off contact with aunt & uncle. My parents died a long time ago which makes this even more difficult because it feels like stepping away from them in a way. But now my eldest is going to feel the fall out of their behaviour, I'm inclined not to put up with any more of their shit.

SO. WIBU not to go to wedding at all? To take my kids away for a fab weekend somewhere instead? I think my eldest could be persuaded that it's quite normal to miss a family wedding if we're going somewhere really cool instead. It's got to the point where the idea of spending a whole day in a room with my aunt makes me feel sick. However, I don't want to leave a bad mark on my cousin's big day but I do think I could just explain everything to her and that it's nothing to do with her. Incidentally, I think she should just turn round and say to her mum, no, I've invited them and that's that. But I understand why she doesn't want to rock the boat.

Am I letting emotions cloud my judgement?

OP posts:

WhateverTrevor · 22/01/2013 12:53

I don't think you'll enjoy the wedding if you go and think you should pull out. Your kids will be happier and you will be.
She shouldn't have invited you and then cancelled so she's in the wrong.

TotallyEggFlipped · 22/01/2013 12:55

I don't think you should go. You'll feel guilty being there without your kids because of how disappointed they were and you won't enjoy yourself. Think about your own family's feelings and have fun together. You cousin shouldn't be bossed around by her mother over her own wedding.

MoaneyMcmoanmoan · 22/01/2013 12:58

Can the babysitter not look after them the whole time?

Yanbu and it is bad form of them to change plans so late.

But.

It just seems so... final, if you don't go. There will be bad feelings and no doubt, some fallout.
Is there any way you can still go? If the wedding is big enough you could probably avoid your aunt for most of the day.

DrGoogleWillSeeYouNow · 22/01/2013 12:59

I think that rightly or wrongly, not going could possibly spell the end of your relationship with your cousin.

If you think that is a possibility and you're ok with that then don't go.

If you're not ok with that, then sort out childcare, grit your teeth and go, even if it's just to one part of the day - either the ceremony or the reception, using the children as an excuse as to why you can't attend the whole day.

funnypeculiar · 22/01/2013 13:07

Putting your aunt to one side ... do you like your cousin? I agree that she should have stood up to your aunt, but for whatever reason, she feels she can't.

Would a suitable compromise be for you & your dcs to come along to the service only, and then for your dcs to have a lovely afternoon/evening play with the babysitter whilst you went onto the reception (ignoring/keeping well away from your aunt)

quoteunquote · 22/01/2013 13:08

How nasty, they can't welcome your children,

I'm sure that your parent would be very disappointed with their sibling's attitude towards their child.

It's their problem not yours,

just let your cousin know that your children and yourself will be disappointed not to be able to attend, and thank them for letting you know in time so you can book a special family holiday, to make it up to the children,

send a present, move on, they don't respect you.

Original poster

babanouche · 22/01/2013 13:09

Thank Trevor & Egg. That seems to make sense to me.

Moan & Google - I considered that but it doesn't remove the fact that my eldest will feel let down about the wedding. The sitter can't really take them the whole day anyway as we have to travel and she'd be working out of a hotel room. I wouldn't feel comfortable asking her to do that. I can get childcare at home though. It's just that I don't see why a 9 yr old should have to put up with this crap from adults. She'd bounce back from it, I know that. But it makes me mad that she should have to.

OP posts:

Original poster

babanouche · 22/01/2013 13:10

Funnypeculiar, that may be possible. Food for thought, definitely.

Thanks quote. I completely agree with you.

OP posts:

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 22/01/2013 13:28

Blood is thicker than water, er, well "D"Aunt didn't get the newsletter did she!

I'll be honest my knee jerk reaction was stay away, send a gift to cousin, lay it on thick about regrets not being able to come without DCs. But how close are you to your cousin?

funnypeculiar has hit on a good strategy. Don't let Aunt and Uncle's bossiness spoil the pleasure of seeing cousin on her special day. Stick with the hotel booking, let DCs see Former Babysitter. Just attend the ceremony (aware of irony but you can't be faulted on devotion to cousin) and slip away afterwards. Spend rest of day doing something pleasurable with DCs.

Aunt is obviously keeping a firm grip on her DD's big day and getting carried away. Either there'll be a whole new generation to focus on, which will be great for you and your DCs, or if not then there'll be cousin + husband, win win. For your own well being advise you to keep Aunt and Uncle at a far distance, no drama just far far away.

CSIJanner · 22/01/2013 13:36

Remember - if in the UK or a church, Aunty dearest cannot dictate who attends the ceromony. she could try and argue the fact with the registrar/priest/vicar but she'll be in the losing end of the battle.

However I would suggest this as a solution to your cousin as you would want want Auntzilla hissy fit ruining her day.

PessaryPam · 22/01/2013 13:49

Just develop a cold or flu or something on the day and take your kids off somewhere nice secretly.

girlywhirly · 22/01/2013 14:17

I think your cousin was wrong to say that your DC could come to her wedding if she wasn't going to stand up to her parents when they said no. It could be an issue with catering, if it's a sit-down meal paying 35 quid a head for kids to pick at their food is madness, so if that was the real reason why any from either side of the family weren't to be invited I could understand that. They are messing you around though, and I would also find it irritating.

I wouldn't be inclined to go to this wedding personally. I think your own family would be happier doing as you suggest and do something exciting instead, money much better spent. After all, if there are no other children at the wedding, wouldn't it be rather boring for them?

Lyrasilvertongued · 22/01/2013 14:26

If I were you I'd speak to your cousin and say something along the lines of:
I totally understand your situation, it's just such a shame. Little Jessie was so excited you see, which is why I double triple checked before telling her so she wouldn't be disappointed like last time. I hope that you understand our situation now that given how upset she'll be we couldn't possibly leave her to come along so we'll be doing something together instead. Please send my love to your mum and dad.

If you really want to you could invite your cousin to stay/for a meal out in lieu of a wedding gift allowing you to celebrate with them later and without her awful parents there. That way it's clear your issue is not with her- although I totally agree she shouldn't have issued invite and retracted it like that.

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