to wish I had never had this conversation (alpha mother alert)

[fixarupa]

I was having a general catch up with one of my friends (alpha mum) this morning. Usual stuff about kids, work etc. Then we got onto the subject of our reception age kids and how they are getting on at school.

Oh how I regret ever saying " My Ds has not started getting books from school yet" This was met with suprise and then the all the comments started coming about how well her DS is doing with his reading and he has been getting books from school for ages.

I so wish I could learn to keep my big trap shut when talking to this particular person about the kids. They are the same age, and although I know my Ds is doing Ok I also feel insecure that he is not yet reading apart from just a few words. I know that early reading is no future predictor of achievement at school. I have read the stuff on how pushing reading too early can be detrimental.

So why do I feel like an inadequate mum?

I remember a newpaper column by a mother who was very pleased by the reading ability of her young children. She moved to South Africa and her children were classified as backward (probably not the actual term used) because they did badly in tests of physical coordination. (Think being able to stand on one leg with eyes shut was one of the tests.) Sport and lots of outside play were prescribed.

Does anybody listen to the XFM breakfast show? They were talking about competitive dads this morning and how this begins long before the baby's born.

Ignore ignore ignore. We all discuss our kids' strengths with little regard for others who may not have even considered what their kid is doing.. Who really cares about another Mums' feelings when they're overjoyed with their own kids' success? It's horrible but it happens everywhere.
Stop comparing now. It makes the school years easier. If someone is crowing, go along with it and crow back. Thing is, you can't win. I used to deal with a breakneck Alpha...she used to deliberately put me down because she had her kids scrutinise what everyone else was doing. She heard mine was ahead in reading and thus she went to town...all I could do was shut up and ignore, and then I was accused of being smug and sent to Coventry by her clan of Mummy Mafia mates. They were/are a bunch of bell ends. It only got worse but the comparison and competition is just toxic. She left me worried about my DS's ability for a while, which never needed questioning. If you can fend off the barbed comments now, you'll be a happier Mum. I've had to learn to leave the catty shit behind. You rarely hear me crowing to anyone other than DH, but I'm asked a great deal of questions about DS. I have to consider how I answer these now, but I've learned that being confident in your child's progress sure as hell gets on the tits of other parents....don't rise to this person, just always give her an air of calm and confidence about your kids. It will really irritate her better than anything else you can say....and you won't be left worrying about your own perfectly brilliant kids.

Also - are you on different reading schemes (well, ok, your children - you know what I mean?). My DD is on Read Write Inc and apparently they don't get books much later than if you're on Oxford Reading Tree for example. They stressed this at the reception parents' meeting to stop us getting all angsty that our children weren't getting books home. I believe this to be true, since the teachers know my daughter is a little bookworm demolishing her way through school library books on her own, but no 'official' reading book as yet.

I used to make a joke of my sons lack of reading skills and then at a parents evening another mum said she was going to read my sons work as it would make her son look like a genius.

I know she was joking........but still..

LifeofPo, my DS was a bit older than that when he finally got reading for pleasure. In his final year of primary he was diagnosed as mildly dyslexic and given some coping strategies. This helped him to get over the hump and start to enjoy reading.

Absolutely nothing wrong with larger print and illustrated books. I think also that audio books can also help with comprehension as well.

DS is now 14 and is reading through the Lord of the Rings trilogy. It really did come right at a rush, one minute nothing, next minute he was devouring books (twas very odd!).

My DH is absolutely straight down the line dyslexic. He reads far better literature than me because books have to be well written to make them worth his effort. I can skim read and read unutterable drivel as a result.

Just a thought but have you tried your DD with and e-reader of some sort? My DH finds this a huge help as he can get the text sizer perfect for him and also use the audio thingy to sound out words.

Yes, you're a very bad mother.

Your dc should be reading Shakespeare and Dickens, like mine. Dd has just finished The Republic and The Trial and Death of Socrates by Plato. She reads simultaneously whilst balancing an orange on her nose.

()

Sorry, I didnt mean my comment about my DS reading LotR to come across as alpha, I was honestly making the point that late readers can go from a standing start in year 6 to full on reading in year 9. Not having read Ant and Bee (shows age) in year 2 is not a long term problem.

Not sure exactly what she did wrong - what was she supposed to do, lie?
Maybe she thought she could talk to you about how her DS was doing because you are her friend? It sounds like it's you that interpreted her commments as a comparison...

YABU, you said how your child was doing and she said how her child was getting on.

I don't like the fact that you've described her as an 'alpha mum'. Why is it necessary to label eachother?

That aside, what would you have preferred her to do? Smile sweetly and not engage? I'm guessing that would have made her smug.

Our children develop at different rates. That's it really. Compare your child to themselves, not other children.

I don't see how where your child is at with reading determines what sort of parent you are?. If that's the case I hate to think what sort of parent I am because she is still trying to learn the first lot of words they bring home. I think they push them too hard.

They're only little, let them be little I think.

Sounds to me it's you who has the problem, not your friend. I think I'd have probably said exactly the same as her tbh. What would you have preferred her to say?

YABU (a little bit)

If you talk about kids, she is allowed to tell you how her kids are getting on too! If someone else's children are doing better than yours at certain things and that makes you feel inadequate, I think that's your problem really. Is she supposed to lie about it to make you feel better?

My 4.4yr old can read by himself. So what? Other 4yr olds we know can draw wonderful pictures - my son couldn't draw a recognisable picture that isn't a train if his life depended on it! They all develop differently and if you're going to let everyone else's comments make you feel bad, you're in for a wretched time! You have to learn to relax

I don't understand why people can't talk about their children's achievements openly without being viewed as showing off. Is everything supposed to be one big secret and things only shared via winks and nose tapping.

Was she being competitive? I would be surprised that a child in reception wasn't getting books sent home. That's not any opinion on the child, I just thought that they starting getting books straight away, even if just picture books. That's just in my experience though, if the other person just responded by saying their school are operating a different reading scheme etc such as the one mentioned above then so be it. Isn't it just called a conversation?

spend less time with her

life is too short for friends that make you feel shit

FACT

OP, You are not an inadequate parent. She may not even have meant to make you feel bad and was just being factual. This is precisely why I avoid all conversations about what my dcs can and can't do (and probably come over as shifty) as it's very easy for someone to project their inadquacies (that we all have as parents) on to you and then start being unkind about you (even if it's behind your back).

You are not an inadequate parent.

I have two DDs same father, same preschool, same school.

At the end of Y2 DD1 was the worst reader in her class (I used to hear readers).

Three years later DD2 was the best (according to her teacher).

Nothing different in their parenting.

Both equally bright and one day both will almost certainly get 2i degrees.

It's just that dyslexic DD1 gets there by a more interesting route.

This is reception age, around 4 yo right? That's quite young to start formal reading, but then we don't have a reception year in Scotland and they can start P1 from 4.5y. There's really no need to worry or push it.

Your friend probably didn't mean to be competitive. She probably realised afterwards how she came across, but really she was simply stating a fact about her own DC.

My lovely DS is now in Yr2 and his reading is catching up beautifully. He was frankly rubbish at reading in Reception and for the brightest kids the 'penny did not drop' with reading until Yr1. My DS was and is brillant with numbers, maths etc... so that was his strength. He plays chess and is teaching me!
He has now caught up and is in the second reading group at school. His teachers are really pleased, and so am I.

Be strong as the Alpha mum in my opinion, is usually insecure about herself and her kids!
They all get there in the end and as long as you and your childs teachet is happy with their progress then egnore everyone elses opinion.

I feel a little misunderstood! I posted this without any background info the type of person I am dealing with. A conversation with her often feels like a game of trumps as she always has to try and out do whatever I tell her. Really she is a good friend but this infruriates me about her. But i know i am being unreasonable to have this type of chat with her when I know how it will end. I have learnt my lesson and I think I will keep my child's progress to myself from now on.