..to be irritated by MIL (and what to do)

[EdBird]

MIL almost 80 and know I should give her leeway but she is soo rude.
Today, when I had not been able to get to work in psychiatry, she said that it didnt matter because 'they are not ill'!!!
She has also made remarks about getting my fat bottom into back of car (size 12 after stopping smoking)
And she said that my dh must be jealous of his friend who is engaged to a woman 20 yrs younger (wife died ca breast). I was spluttering with rage by this one.
She also tries to tell me that we live in a crime riddled inner city (not - leafy suburb but I can live where I please), tells me my 14yo dd should not be out in city after dark - she goes to school there and i work (and I think she needs to get out at her age), that I cant buy proper food where we live and says yuk to pizza express, gammon and stir fry amongst other things. She is rude about people who do PPE at university (at edinburgh ffs). She has also said that i should have dh's cars after he has finished with them rather than my own etc etc
She drives me mad. But she is old...may be just needed a moan :-(

YANBU, she sounds like a cow.

But she's old and crazy. Just ignore her! Nod, say "hmmm" and change the subject. No point getting worked up over the ramblings of a batty old woman.

Some of that is pretty trivial, where you live, what you eat etc. Ignore her, she clearly likes to moan.

Although it does seem like she doesn't like you so YANBU to be annoyed by her comments.

Use the MN classic "did you mean to sound so rude" when she makes personal comments. They are the ones that would bug me the most.

In fairness, be irritated if you are, but I wouldn't bother correcting her, she shouldn't have to watch every word she says.

Just nod, smile, and plan her funeral in your head - hymns, flowers, peeing on the grave cars, coffin handles, the lot. It is surprisingly satisfying

Pombear, with all due respect I think that post was vile.

YANBU - That sounds awful! My teeth were gritted just reading it. I think you've been marvellously patient.

Do you think she's jealous that she didn't have a career or a car etc? Or is she just a profound bitch?

Thank you..so ANBU but it is hard to take. I suppose she need not like me but that is her choice. Been married for 20 years, but the undermining still hurts. So yes, up to her what she says, up to me to ignore it and take no notice. Lost my mother at a young age so maybe had been hoping that she would fill that role for me.

Why does being old mean that you are allowed to be rude ? She's a rude old woman now. I expect she was a rude middle-aged woman, and a rude young woman too.

If you don't want to call her on it, play games with it. Construct a Rude Bingo Card in your head, and see if you can get 'house' (she has to be rude about your job, your daughter, your size, etc. etc.). Or see if you can 'direct' her into particular rudeness - e.g. pick a topic and see if you can elicit a Daily Mail rant from her. Be assured it is not personal - it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with her.

Do you have to see her? I think I'd be keeping contact to a minimum if my MIL talked to me like that.

It worked for me with my exMiL Nanny she was and still is a bitch of the first water, and when she dies I will piss and dance on her grave, after attending her funeral to make sure she really is dead. I will gloat and I will cheer, and I will rejoice, and the old cow will bloody well deserve it.
What goes around comes around and she made my life hell and had a pretty big hand in the wrecking of my marriage and I hope she rots in hell forever.
So call me as vile as you like, I am still nicer than she will ever be.

I salute you Pombear! Some old women are just nasty pieces of work. Why do you have to cherish people that are bloody awful?

That said, I apologise if my remarks have upset you Nanny that was never my intention. I am blunt I know, and I let my personal experiences and feelings "come to the fore" sometimes when other people would perhaps be tactful or more careful of others feelings. For that I am sorry, but I cannot change how I feel about my exMiL.

I sympathise. She sounds really annoying. It is nothing to do with age. I used to make excuses for my mils manipulative behaviour until I remembered that she had been like it since I had known her ( early 60s).
Horrible people are horrible whatever age they are. It is no excuse.

I don't think people should be cherished because they're old. And I do know how wicked some could be. I just can't imagine wishing someone actually dead.
Luckily I have never had MiL 'issues'.
Thanks for your apology Pombear and I'm sorry yours was so awful.

Pombear I also felt like you.
my MIL was a witch and my DH let her speak to me like dirt, he never once stood up for me.
We were playing rummy when I was 5mths gone with 1st and she was winning or cheating more like, I called her a jammy cow and she slapped me hard around the face. I fell backwards over the dining room chair.
Her DH and two sons sat there and never said a word!!!
When she died it was a relief but then all the guilt sets in that you had such bad thoughts about her.
Watch out pombear you may also feel guilty!

Yes she was rude in her 60's when I met her so probably just a rude woman all her life. The bingo idea is great!
She is geographically distant. Once dh took dc to stay there for 2 nights and they were so relieved to be home that they were crying in the car in anticipation
She phones daily and if not picked up, questions me next time. I go through phases of not answering/ leaving for DH if she has really irritated me.
Dh says that at least I never had to live with her and 'what do you think it was like for me?'
Bingo list now...

fatnfrumpy for you. What a nasty thing to do. I can't believe you DH didn't defend you when she physically attacked you whilst pregnant.