To ask guests to be nit-free?

[fizzykola]

My SIL and her brood of four are expecting to come stay over half-term again. I find her very overbearing, though her partner and the kids are lovely. None of them, except the much put-upon partner lift a finger to help.

It's a few hours on a train for them and despite this last year I asked them to come for a maximum of four nights as it's quite a houseful and full-on, and not half-term for us (though my two kids love hanging out with their cousins and DH doesn't mind the chaos as much as me). No one in her family ever stands up to her, and I felt on quite shaky ground limiting it to four nights.

This year the expectation (not invitation!) is there again. But I now know for a fact her kids have nits and have in fact passed it to our family at least twice. I want to tell her that they need to be nit-free before they can stay, but she seems to have a very laissez-fair attitude to it (as she does with many parenting issues IMO), and according to my FIL her kids have had nits for over a year! They don't really try and sort it, just give the younger ones hair a comb through a couple of times a week when shampooing, and get the 8 year old to do his own .

So. AIBU? How to lay down the law when we clearly have different values (though she never respects mine)?

just tell them they cant come cos you've all got worms

I think the nits are not really the issue. If you don't want them to visit for whatever reason, you need to discuss it with DH now and try to resolve it.

Seriously though, I hate the lazy parents who bleat on about how they cant get rid - there is no need at all for children to have long term infestations.

buy a job lot of combs and lotion and do everyone while they are there?

no no no no no no no no

ugh!

YANBU - they can't come and stay

Do your DCs enjoy them coming? Feb. halfterm is as dull as dish water, my two would be delighted if their cousins came.

I'd even put up BIL (DH's sister is lovely).

It's definitely not unreasonable, but hopefully it will put them off coming. But thanks... I have now started scratching!!

Yeh, sorry about the itching. Scurryfunge you are right there are deeper issues but DH and I have discussed them many, many times. The resolution is I don't want to stop my DC from having a good relationship with their cousins that they only see about 3 times a year, nor DH with his family.

So in general I am sucking it up....but feel the nit thing needs to be addressed.

What's weird is she is a paediatrician ! But has a very odd attitude to many aspects of raising kids, IMO.

Man, I'm can't stop scratching my head now. That is bang out of order that she doesn't try to get rid of the nits. The poor kids. If it was me there is no way I'd let her come and stay and I'd let her know why, but I can be a stubborn wee git when it comes to things like that. The thing is most people wouldn't come to visit another family until head lice problem had cleared up. Sorry still shocked that she can let her kids suffer like that.

Tell her it isn't convenient for them to come. My DC have a lovely relationship with all their cousins who they only see a few times a year- at no point has that required me to have my wishes trampled all over by a bossy SIL.

They can have a great time if you arrange to meet in the middle somewhere for a day out. Maybe even suggest an overnight stay at a Premier Inn- it'll still probably cost less than feeding and entertaining 6 people for most of the week.

Omg, just read the bit about her being a paediatrician, that's a disgrace. Imagine what her staff would think if they knew she wasn't trying to get rid of her kids head lice.

yanbu, insist that nobody comes with nits, end of.

Are you me? oh no you cannot be my SIL not a paed, same attitude though

YANBU

No way would they be let into my home, Christ they have nits, nits fuckin nits. Who the hell invites nits to stay.

My sister is the same. She brings her kids to my mum's every holiday for free childcare an extended break and they always have nits.
She reckons they are resistant to treatment, whilst in the same breath admitting she refuses to pay the price of treatment. Imo, she's just too lazy to do it .

Isn't that a somewhat passive aggressive excuse to not have them? Of course if they have nits they should not come. Are you going to phone her in advance and ask? Why limit it to nits? Why not say she can't bring her family she helps? There are diplomatic ways to say that. Good luck. I'm am introvert and would die at the thought of company on the house for four days so I would just say no.

Passive aggressive? I wouldn't rule it out, though not sure what that means entirely, or if it's quite accurate. I am resigned to them coming, I was seeking opinions on whether it's unreasonable to ask them to get rid of the nits first. And maybe advice how to broach it, since it clearly isn't something my SIL thinks is a big deal.

She has no problem with nits and thinks that's just what kids get and it's hardly worth sorting because they'll only get them again. That's her values. Mine are rather different. I think that's fecking minging and coming close to neglect. I also find the fact she is a doctor a challenge, as if she always holds the upper hand in matters medical/child health related.

Intertia - like your idea of meeting in the middle. You're right it doesn't need to be all or nothing. Hadn't thought about it like that.

Twentythirteen - I hear you on the 4 days. But again, that's where I differ from DH and the rest of his family. They think nothing of spending loads of time in each others company. In fact for a few days over the summer there were 12 of us (6 adults, 6 kids) in a small two bed flat!

They all love it ('oh, we'll just all muck in together, it'll be great') and the kids all love it (major rammy and following SIL's free and easy approach to bedtimes and sweet consumption). I am the only one who thinks that's too fecking much. My parents are introverts and although I wouldn't say I was necessarily, situations like that definitely bring it out.

But what can I do? It's family who live 10 hours drive away. They all love it. Gotta suck it up.

Except for the nits.

By "passive aggressive" I mean that it is a defended and therefore unclear/indirect remark (and I may totally have missed something and have got the wrong end of the stick so apologies if that's the case). What I mean is IF you don't want them to come, BUT feel you can't say that, THEN perhaps you are finding another way to express your disatisfaction, by potentially striking back in another way. I.e., I gather you wouldn't be pleased as punch to see them if it weren't for the nits??? I agree, nits are disgusting, by all means that conversation must be had, but there are other aspects that also need to be discussed, perhaps with her (her having to help you more around the house when they stay) and perhaps with your OH (about how your needs will be looked after during that time, and that he needs to help you with the nit conversation since it's his family, etc.). Does that make sense? You'll lose ground if you aren't clear and direct about what you want as an outcome and work directly toward that.

And my sympathy goes out to you, my OH might wonder why I'm so keen to visit his family but it's because I can then have more control over when we arrive and leave and the bits in between, etc.