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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a bit more demanding regarding meeting my partner's kids

41 replies

WigCarpet · 20/01/2013 14:45

I have a thread running in relationships right now - basically he lives with me during the week and stays at his mother's with his kids on a weekend and I cease to exist. Hardly any contact at all until he arrives back on Monday evening after work. I find it a bit damning that he can 'live' with me all week and then forget I exist on a weekend.

I'm here to ask for blunt, honest opinions regarding me being introduced to his teenage kids. Basically, he met mine about 3 months ago and at the time more or less said he would arrange for me to meet his. Like I said, that was 3 months ago and it really doesn't seem to me like he has any intention of doing it anytime soon. Whenever I ask him he says he's not sure they're ready for that yet - but the relationship is ready for us to live together all week??

My question is, would it be unreasonable for me to ask for a timescale of when I'm likely to be introduced to them? he always avoids this. The last time it was mentioned he said "by the end of the year". It's only bloody January!! So going on that I'm expected to continue to spend my weekends alone for the next 12 months?

Another thing is I'm going to say if he can't give me some kind of reasonable timescale, I want to cool off the relationship and go back to just dating. He can't expect to live with me like this and then bugger off and forget I exist on weekend and he can't expect to be 100% involved in mine and my children's lives when he won't even introduce me to his.

AIBU? I don't want to be pushy/bunny boiler etc but I'm sick of the whole thing and feel like a mug really.

Been together just over 7 months btw.

OP posts:
onetiredmummy · 20/01/2013 14:46

You sure its his mother's that he's staying at? Have you been there? Have you met her?

Salmotrutta · 20/01/2013 14:47

Are you more bothered about meeting his children or the fact that he spends all weekend with them?

PureQuintessence · 20/01/2013 14:47

I am sorry, but you asked for blunt. The only timescale you should be asking for is how long until he moves out full time.

Salmotrutta · 20/01/2013 14:47

Ah, now, see I didn't even think of that onetiredmummy.

SanityClause · 20/01/2013 14:48

That's what I was thinking, as well, onetiredmummy .

Alisvolatpropiis · 20/01/2013 14:49

I think parents can find it difficult to know when to introduce their children to new partners.

I think after 7 months though he should have a rough idea of whether your relationship has longevity and therefore you should be introduced to his children.

I don't think you are being unreasonable in wanting to meet them,the relationship can't really progress beyond the stage it is at now without doing so. You are within your rights to say so. If he waits until the end of he year you will have been together for almost two years. It would be weird to not introduce you well before then.

Do you ask him about them generally? Just showing a general interest in them? How old are they.

KatyTheCleaningLady · 20/01/2013 14:49

You know, I don't think YABU. I can understand a parent's reluctance to introduce partners to their children. But it sounds like you guys are pretty serious and being ignored every weekend is just not cool.

I agree with onetiredmummy: are you sure it's his mother?

mercibucket · 20/01/2013 14:51

Having the kids every weekend is slightly unusual, and did he live at his mums when you met as well? I'd be a bit suspicious about this. Also, yes, I would expect to meet them and get him to move out and cool things a little in the meantime

mercibucket · 20/01/2013 14:51

Having the kids every weekend is slightly unusual, and did he live at his mums when you met as well? I'd be a bit suspicious about this. Also, yes, I would expect to meet them and get him to move out and cool things a little in the meantime

momb · 20/01/2013 14:52

Teenagers are tough and at this stage you don't know what their Mum has said to them or what his relationship with them is like. I do think you need to discuss this with him further because it is clearly eating you up inside but if you don't have room for them at your place then he will continue to see his children elsewhere. Is there a big age gap between your child and his? that may be why he isn't suggesting combined social events.

Mosman · 20/01/2013 14:55

I have a friend who split with her children's dad and basically they have an agreement that neither will introduce other partners until they are about to put a ring on it. Maybe the ex is demanding he keeps the children away for now. Why did you move in together after just 7 months what's the rush ?

Original poster
WigCarpet · 20/01/2013 14:56

Yes I've been to his mothers and have met her (she's great) and I've even seen the rooms in which he and his kids stay on the weekends (3 single beds).

He's just sent me pictures of him and his kids having fun in the snow saying they're having a great time and he'll take me and my kids next week. On one hand it's nice that he's sharing the pictures and thinking about taking us but on the other hand it just shows how everything is so separate into him and his kids and him and my family. It's like he never intends to cross the two. Even his own mother is questioning him on it.

OP posts:
PureQuintessence · 20/01/2013 14:58

Surely you dont need him to play in the snow with your kids?

TroublesomeEx · 20/01/2013 15:01

Tbh, I wouldn't even consider a timescale for introducing my children to a new partner or meeting theirs until we'd been together for 6 months and it was looking like a permanent situation.

I wouldn't have let a man move in that quickly either. Meeting the children should come before co-habiting. Do his children know about you?

Original poster
WigCarpet · 20/01/2013 15:02

course not, it's not about that - I just feel that stuff like sledging etc would be a perfect opportunity to do introductions in a way that isn't so formal, especially as the kids are of similar ages.

See that's another thing though, although he's said about me meeting his kids at some point "this year" he reckons them meeting my kids won't be happening for a long time as they won't be ready for that!?

OP posts:
IfNotNowThenWhen · 20/01/2013 15:02

I can't understand why you would let a man move in with you and your kids after being with him for only 7 months.
I also can't believe you are "living together" before you have met his kids.
That's not to say that you should have met them by now, I just mean that the whole way of going about this is all to cock.
Move him out. Get to know him better (a LOT better).
Meet his kids. Get to know them.
THEN if you both still want to, he can move in.
Or is he living with you out of convenience, like to save money? In which case I would have him sling his hook for good.

HTH

Salmotrutta · 20/01/2013 15:05

Well, teenagers can be difficult at times. Maybe they didn't handle the separation well or maybe he knows they might be surly or difficult if they met you?

I'm not suggesting they are surly and difficult but at that age meeting new partners could make for "interesting times" as they say?

Original poster
WigCarpet · 20/01/2013 15:08

ifnotnowthenwhen, you hit the nail on the head. That is how I feel, the timing of everything has all been to cock. We've done everything back to front and whilst it's working out fine and dandy for him, it's leaving me in a very vulnerable situation.

We should have met each others kids at the same time. We should have dated for a lot longer than we did and we should never have moved in together before meeting each other's kids.

I think this is the problem here - in my head we're at a stage where I should have met his kids but in reality maybe we're just not at a stage where we should have moved in together.

I'm next due to see him tomorrow night but am toying with the idea of asking him to come over tonight so we can talk.

OP posts:
Salmotrutta · 20/01/2013 15:09

Well, having watched from the sidelines as ex- BIL (with teenagers) met and married a new wife with a teenager, and seeing the fallout between the step-siblings ... I'd say take it slowly.

HollyBerryBush · 20/01/2013 15:11

Perhaps his children don't want to meet you?

DontmindifIdo · 20/01/2013 15:18

Step back, if he doesn't think you are at the stage of meeting his DCs, then he is saying he's not that committed to you. If he doesn't feel he is all that certain that this relationship is forever, that's fine, but not fine to move in and living with your DCs if he's not 100% committed to your relationship.

CloudsAndTrees · 20/01/2013 15:21

I think YABU.

He is the parent to his children, and it is up to him to decide when they meet you. His decision should be based on what is right for them, not you and your relationship and whatever stage you think it's at.

He stays with you during the week because you let him and it's probably a nicer place for him to be than his Mums. People will take advantage if you invite them to.

It's actually really early in your relationship or you to have him living in your house for your children's sake, and it sounds like out of the two of you, he is the one who's doing the best by his children.

Booyhoo · 20/01/2013 15:25

how long have you been with him?

how old are the dcs?

why are you more concerned about him dancing to your beat than his children being ready to meet his new partner?

your relationship with him and how fast it has moved is irrelvant when it comes to his children being ready. his chidlren are not on your or his timescale. they are the important ones wrt this meeting taking place.

if you gave me an ultimatum in order to make me rush something that big i would open the door for you.

simplesusan · 20/01/2013 15:36

I don't think it is too early to meet his kids.
He is living with the op. Also I think as teenagers they are not small children and can cope with knowing that their parents relationship has ended and that they will never get back together.
Maybe don't spend all weekend with him and his kids just Saturday daytime perhaps.
Good luck.

Booyhoo · 20/01/2013 15:40

hang on. i thought Op's dcs were the teenagers? i didn't think she said what age his were?

either way. she could be seeing him 3 years. it doesn't make the children ready to meet her. they aren't the ones dating her. he is. their relationship with him doesn't make them automatically part of his relationship with her.

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