Ok, this is a long one...please bear with me. I'm 26, expecting DC1 and a secondary school teacher in the area where I grew up.
My dad's side of the family are trouble. Don't get me wrong I'm no snob, my mother grew up in the same village as my dad, but had a different upbringing to my dad. My parents brought my siblings and me in a "rough" area, but managed to instil a sense of morals. My parents are very much working class, and emphasised the importance of education and living life with a sense of knowing what is right from wrong.
Basically, even from a young age, going to visit my Dad's family scared the hell out of me. My cousins were allowed to swear, skip school and do whatever they wanted. As a young child, it was a scary place to be- there were no rules and no love. I saw my Nan (dad's mum) and Aunt (Dad's sister) regularly swear at my cousins, hit them and throw them out over the years. Not once did I see any love between that side of the family. Every visit, I just used to sit there frozen on the sofa hoping that it would all be over soon. My nan never told my siblings and me that she loved us and regularly forgot out birthdays.
Mum soon stopped visiting with us. I felt "forced" to go with my dad out of guilt (from him) during my early teenage years. I hated my dad for that. (My dad is pretty clueless when it comes to family, but then again with a family like his how is he to know better? - my parents are now divorced and my dad is emotionally constipated. He was much better when he was with my mum, who was very open with expressing her love and emotions)
Over the years my cousins have become teenage parents, drug addicts, school refusers and convicted criminals. My Nan and Aunt seem to think that this is "normal" and that we are the weridos for getting an education and wanting a better life. My nan and aunty are also foster parents (god know's how?) and they treat their foster children like shit! They have openly admitted in the past that they just do it for the money - money that they use for their own personal holidays whilst they leave their foster children in respite!!!
My dad worked bloody hard when we were younger, and his family (all on benefits) would always manage to get thousands of pounds from him and fail to pay it back.
When I turned 17 I decided that I was no longer going to be "forced" into seeing this side of the family. This didn't go down to well, but I was sick of feeling on edge every time I visited. I would end up arguing with them every time they were racist/homophobic/generally ignorant....My dad would never stand up for me, and would just sit there in silence. My dad in no way believes the crap that comes out of their mouths, but has never stood up for himself, my mum or us when it comes to his family bad mouthing us.
Over the years Dad has stopped asking me to visit, and it's pretty much a given that I have made up my mind. My siblings still visit (20 and 24) and this does make me feel guilty....
So.....fast forward to now. I am 30 weeks, and have decided that I do not want my baby anywhere near that side of the family. I keep remembering how scared and disorientated I felt, and I do not want that for my son. I teach teenagers in a very rough area, and I see what bad parenting can lead to - it's like watching my cousins all over again.
I've voiced this to my siblings, who have told my dad. He's not happy, and feels as though I'm being a snob.
So...AIBU for keeping my baby away from that side of the family? How do I help my dad (emotionally constipated, incapable of talking about emotions/feelings/anything remotely deep) understand my decision?
Thank you