To not understand how someone can affect someone's life so much and not know

[GreatBallsofFluff]

I was bullied quite badly at school and at home. At the age of 13 I was self-harming a lot, at the age of 15 I was drinking half litre bottles of vodka 4 times a week and at the age of 16 I attempted suicide and spent a week in hospital. Other stuff happened too but that's the big stuff. I saw several counsellors and psychiatric nurses throughout my teens and although it helped in the short term, in the long term it is all still with me.

Today, I'm still on anti-depressants and I have major confidence and self-esteem issues. It is only the thought of DD(7) which gets me up every morning.

So that's where I am now.

Yesterday I received a friend request on facebook from one of the girls who bullied me. It is not the first time she has tried to add me, and in the past I have just ignored the requests. This time though I messaged her asking why she added me considering she made it clear in school that she didn't like me, or if it was to just be nosey then to save her the hassle I told her her my life was as crap and boring as the next person. She came back to me saying that school was a long time ago, and I hadn't been the only one who was bullied.

Whilst that may be true, I can still remember specific things that she did to me all the way back in year 7, 15 years ago and I told her so. I gave her a few examples of what she had done, and said that whilst it was a long time ago, everything they had done still affects me to this day.

Her response to my examples and what I said was to simply refute one of the examples as hearsay. There was no "sorry" about the other times, or sorry for what happened and that it obviously affects you. Nothing. I have now ignored and blocked.

I could just put this down as one ignorant person, but the same can be said for my sister. Mum used to work full time so we were latch key kids. My sister, who is older, used to have an insult for everything I said or did. No matter what I said there would always be a horrible comeback, and everything I did was wrong and she made sure I knew it.

Mum occasionally makes comments about DD, saying "just you wait until she's running away and shouting and swearing etc". I responded one time by saying "that won't happen as she doesn't have [my sister] at home with her". Mum said that was a horrible thing to say, and she'd spoken to my sister who can't remember doing anything to you.

I know I need to let it all go and once the ADs settle I will be having talk therapy, but in the meantime I just cannot understand how these people can affect a life so much, and not know it or feel any remorse.

eventually, after enough counselling etc, it might go into the background. certainly filling up with good memories, by having happy times with your daughter, will help.

dont' blame yourself for remembering, for being resentful (it wasn't right and it shouldn't have happened, there's no reason why you should just let it go) and certainly don't add that woman on facebook. sounds like she's just as much a bully now as she was then.

your sister is more of a challenge as you can't write her out of your life. no matter what your mum's experience of her, your sister wasn't good to you. whatever her reasons, she might have had problems of her own, she still caused you suffering.

you are doing the right things. you are getting help and you are speaking out.
i hope it all goes well and that one day, whilst you'll remember, the unpleasant things won't matter any more.

Good for you for challenging the bully then blocking her. She did not say sorry, but it may have caused her to think.

Stay strong and go for counselling. You are doing well.

I think that people who have been perpetrators of bullying or emotional abuse often rewrite history as the alternative is to acknowledge that what they did had a massive effect on the other person. This is too much for some people to admit. Therefore, they try to minimise or brush away the victim's version of the past.
You did the right thing to challenge the bully. However, she just does not had the capacity to feel remorse for what she did, as many abusers do.
Your sister has done the same thing- rewritten to past to a sanitised version of events.
It is incredibly difficult, but you know the truth about what happened. You have to accept that, no matter what you do, you will not get the apology that you deserve. I think that realising this is a big step on the path to recovery, along with the counselling.

People tend to have blocked out what they did to others. I'm really good friends with a girl who made my life a misery due to her then best friend. But there are others who I have nothing to do with and blocked on fb as soon as I saw them on there.

You have to remember that at age 14,15 and 16 , you behave and think totally differently to the way you do as an adult.She is most likely a completely different person now.

I hear what you're saying, Snowy , but that doesn't mean the OP can let go of what happened to her. I think the issue is that the bully refuted the OP's version of events and thus brought back those emotions for her.

I too was badly bullied in school with both the school and my parents essentially doing nothing to help me.

However, unlike you, I've managed to move on and not let that horrible time affect my life any more.

It was a long long time ago. Time to reflect on it and let it go. Not to forgive, I'll never forgive, but to tell yourself that it's over and it will never happen again.

greatballs I'm so sorry you were bullied and for the lasting effect it's had on you. I can offer you a thought from the other side as at school, over 30 years ago, I was a bully. I picked on one girl relentlessly for about 2 years and I swear, if I could go back and change it, I would. There's no excuse for what I did - everyone bullied her, I happily followed the pack and did too and I think about her so much - I've never forgotten her over the years and I regret every single day what I did. The thing is, I'm a nice person! Honest to god, I really am not that bully any more and I haven't been for many many years (since I left school) but my ongoing nightmare is that what I did may still have an effect on her and I hate myself for it.

So I would suggest that from the response you got from the girl that bullied you that no, she hasn't changed. If the girl I was hard on contacted me I couldn't apologise quick enough and ask her forgiveness.

Thank you everyone for being so understanding.

Straighttalk and bunnylove, what you say makes total sense about them rewriting history. Tee you're right - it won't happen again.

It's strange as a couple of the girls came up to me when school had finished and apologised for everything they had done, and for me that was enough to not think about them as much as the others. I will never get the apologies from the perpetrators, and that's what I need to focus on and get past.

Thank you vino.

Exactly. I also have had friends requests on FB from people who bullied me and I just shake my head and think 'over my dead body' and 'you hated me in school, why would I want to friend you?!?!'

I don't even block them, I just ignore them every time they send one.

I was horrifically bullied too, and like you, (still) battled with self harm, suicide attempts, and various other forms of self abuse.

I have stopped hating them for what they did, firstly because I realised that they must have been going through hell themselves to think that was okay, and also because the more I hated them, the more I hated myself.

Have yet to let go of the hate towards the woman who assaulted me, but am working on it.

You're right, people just don't understand the impact of the things they do - but then, at 13, who does, really?

No, you won't ever get an apology from that girl. And you don't need it. Don't give her enough value in your life to require another word from her, regardless of which word it is. She isn't worth your precious time or emotional energy.

I'm far from okay, but have managed to move past some of the problems by accessing the right forms of therapy - it may be worth looking around for them, and I also would push to start soon than 'when the ADs settle in'; a lot of doctors like to tell you that, but in reality ADs will only perk you up slightly if there are large underlying reasons for your mood being low.

I think people sometimes do not see what they are doing to others - to them it is an insignificant part of their lives as THEY were not the ones feeling wretched and low.

I once met one of my bullies on a train. He seemed genuinely puzzled as to why I didn't want to sit and talk to him. When I told him how he had made my life miserable every day while we were at school together he protested. He was sure it had 'just been a bit of harmless fun'. His girlfriend stuck up for me. he was then genuinely sorry.

Well doen for confronting her. It might make her think.

I agree with StraightTalkinSheila. I also think bullies that accept no responsibility and at least apologise haven't grown or changed at all. You did good in confronting her OP, it must have taken a lot for that-just ignore and block.

You do need to let it go, because it's eating at you. You don't need to forget or forgive those people but you need to give yourself a break and keep challenging them if they friend and then block. Keep up with the counsellig too.

Regarding your sister, there's not much you can do aside from keep your distance or challenge her if she still makes these remarks now,