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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think MIL should stop comments about DD learning at nursery

29 replies

pleasethanks · 19/01/2013 18:27

DD is 2.5 and goes to nursery 3 days a week - 830 to 430. Not that relevant I suppose, but just giving you some context. She has been going since she was 13 months. On the other 4 days of the week she is with me and DH at weekends.

Recently I have noticed that MIL often comments, when DD does something, 'oh, did you learn that at nursery?'. Just things like removing her own jacket, putting it on, singing songs, new words etc. It is not just the odd comment, she will do it twice in a short visit.

It gets on a my goat a bit as (and maybe IABU) to me, it seems that she assumes everything DD learns is at nursery - as if I just sit in her a corner and ignore her when she is home with me.

AIBU?

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 19/01/2013 18:30

Yes YABU and a bit paranoid.

It's a perfectly normal question.

DontmindifIdo · 19/01/2013 18:30

I get that too, however, it could be that she's reinforcing that she thinks nursery is a good thing - I know MIL has had comments about "poor DS having to go nursery" and I think she throws any achievement/milestone hit slightly early back at those comments as proof it's good for him (also send my DS 3 days a week).

TidyDancer · 19/01/2013 18:30

Hmmm. Is she generally a judgemental/combative person? Is she annoyed she isn't looking after your DD instead? If either of these is true, then you could be right.

It is also entirely possible (and perhaps probable) that she's just making conversation like you do with a toddler.

The other possibility is that you are letting this sting you because you perhaps feel guilty about DD being in nursery? You shouldn't feel guilty, but I get the impression from your post that you maybe do.

Pendipidy · 19/01/2013 18:31

I think you should be grateful you have a mil who takes an interest. Think you are being very sensitive when it prob is not meant like that at all.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 19/01/2013 18:31

YABU. She's just making conversation with your DD.

diddlediddledumpling · 19/01/2013 18:31

I'd let it slide as one of those mildly irritating things that MILs say. I would find it annoying and interpret it the way you have too, but then I'd tell myself I was being over sensitive. I think it's unlikely she means that you teach your daughter nothing, just maybe trying to take an interest in what she does at nursery.

Original poster

pleasethanks · 19/01/2013 18:32

She may be annoyed she isn't looking after DD, but she has never shown any interest in taking her on a nursery day and I certainly wouldn't impose by asking her. But she does dig at me a little sometimes.

Perhaps I would feel differently if she had ONCE said 'oh did mum teach you that?'. But she never has.

OP posts:

wigglesrock · 19/01/2013 18:33

Yes YABU - to be fair nursery was where my dds learnt to take off and on their jacket, sing new songs etc - I always felt it was sort of the point So I would probably make the same assumption.

I think you are reading waaaaay to much into it.

CloudsAndTrees · 19/01/2013 18:34

Yabu. It's a harmless comment/question.

If you are happy with your arrangement and your nursery, then there is no reason you should take offence.

sooperdooper · 19/01/2013 18:37

You're reading too much into it, it's just something to say, and like others have said at least she's being positive about nursery

TidyDancer · 19/01/2013 18:46

Okay, if she's not generally a bad person then, I'd say her choice of words are innocent and they are bothering you because of your own reasons. It sounds really like you want recognition as her mother and you're upset because you think MIL is not offering you it. That's a bit silly, isn't it?

Try not to let this bother you, it doesn't sound like it's coming from a bad place and unless you want to look like a crazy MIL hating witch, you won't pull her up on it. It's really just a comment.

HollyBerryBush · 19/01/2013 19:00

Its a conversational thing. I think you are looking for insults where nonce occur.

tethersend · 19/01/2013 19:13

YABU- nobody asks if your mum taught you that; it's a given that you learn loads from your parents.

Your MIL may be an awful person, but that's not why.

littleducks · 19/01/2013 19:15

When I was a child I used to always get asked about school by elderly relatives, it used to irritate me.

I found myself doing the same thing recently . I think that its just making conversation.

And tbf new songs etc. were the kind of things ds learnt at nursery.

Original poster

pleasethanks · 19/01/2013 19:19

Okay thanks everyone, think you have given me some perspective. I am probably being too defensive. It has just accumulated over the year and a bit she has been at nursery and even before DD could speak MIL would ask her 'did you learn that at nursery'. What I should have said is, she has always tried to speak to me through DD and I guess that gives some background - for example, if I was filling up the paddling pool she would say to DD, 6 months old 'make sure mum makes it warm enough for you, but not too warm so you get hurt'. etc etc etc

But, I take all the comments on board, thanks

OP posts:

BakingWithToddler · 19/01/2013 19:34

Are you my sil? My mil used to an exactly the same. It irritated me too as I always felt it was a passive aggressive dig at me as though she felt I didn't do anything of worth with dd. I was being oversensitive but it didn't stop it from being annoying. I just used to reply "no, learnt from mummy and we've also done x y and z this week"

HollyBerryBush · 19/01/2013 19:37

Some people just burble incessantly to small people and most of what is said is rubbish - but that how children learn speech patterns, intonations, facilal expressions, how to conjugate, grammar rules etc.

Althoug h I remain to this day perplexed how 'does oo wann oo dindins' is in anyway helpful

Smudging · 19/01/2013 19:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

pleasethanks · 19/01/2013 19:57

Smudging I don't feel bad about it at all. Perhaps I am oversensitive to MIL, but that is not based on an insecurity about nursery. Just a bit annoyed, bakingwithtoddler understood above. I sometimes feel MIL does do it in a passive aggressive way, but I admit, I probably am too sensitive

OP posts:

WhatchuTalkinBoutPhyllis · 19/01/2013 19:58

yabu. Kids learn things at nursery. Lighten up.

Sanjifair · 19/01/2013 20:55

YADNBU. My MIL does exactly the same, as part of a continual attempt to undermine and dismiss my parenting. Any positive things my son does are commented on as either "my son (your DP) was just the same" or " did he learn that at nursery" whereas any shortcomings with her daughters son are down to the father.

Passive aggressive is her middle name.

Fakebook · 19/01/2013 21:05

Oh yanbu! I used to get comments like that all the time when Dd was in full time nursery. I was told countless times by so many family members that she only picks up words and things quickly because of nursery. That she only knows how to open and close her hands and make a diamond to "twinkle twinkle little star" because of nursery. She walked quickly because of nursery. She eats properly because of nursery.

Well, DS is 12 months and not in nursery. He is already walking, does actions to songs, can say "Daddy" with no prompting, and numerous other things dd was doing at this age that was supposedly due to her learning from nursery.

I know your mil probably doesn't mean harm by it, but I really understand how frustrating it can get hearing it every bloody time.

ceeveebee · 19/01/2013 21:05

She sounds exactly like my MIL, especially the talking through the children thing. Just smile and nod

BoysAreLikeDogs · 19/01/2013 21:38

oh UGH at the talking through the children grrrrrrrrrrrrrr so so annoying

2rebecca · 19/01/2013 22:49

Agree re ignoring the nursery comments. I would have picked up on the undermining comments to your child that were meant for you though and made it clear that I found the comment insulting and I was capable of running a bath/ whatever it is and if she had comments to make to me could she address them to me and not pretend she is talking to my child.
Are you seeing more of her that you'd like? Some women feel obliged to spend alot more time with relatives they have little in common with post children than pre-children. You are still entitled to your own life even though you have had children.
I never got wound up by relatives but that's probably because we lived some distance away from them and didn't start seeing them more often after we had the kids.

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