to find the kids annoying when I've had them all day?

[BlackMaryJanes]

I'm a SAHM. DH leaves for work at 7am and arrives back home at 6pm. Up until recently DH would take the kids to the supermarket for an hour when he got home in every evening to give me a break. An absolute lifeline for me. Now, he doesn't want to do that anymore. During our argument I said to him that after having the kids all day, I find them annoying. To which he responded, "Do you hate motherhood that much?!"

So, AIBU to find them annoying after having them all day? Does this mean I 'hate motherhood'? By the end of the day I feel touched-out, exhausted, irritable and in need of some breathing space. The kids are 2.5 and 12 months. I'm still BFing the 12 month old.

[catwisd]

Do you have any plans to return to work?

[FantasticMax]

I feel for you, I get that it's hard to get a proper break when you live in a small flat.

In your situation I would leave the house for an hour myself, perhaps go for a walk or to an exercise class, or even to this supermarket cafe with a book and drink some coffee. I think it's unfair to drag two small children out of the house so close to their bedtime when they're probably grumpy and tired.

I would also bring forward bedtime to 7pm. I would view the time between children going to bed and me going to bed as my break. And just suck it up during the day. Do both children still nap? Presumably the 12mo old still will? Stick some cartoons on for the older one and rest with a cup of tea on the sofa.

I work 4 days a week in a professional occupation, and I have similar hours to your husband. From my point of view being at work IS a break. Yes it is stressful but it's a different type of stress to dealing with the kids all day. Do you think you might benefit from doing some PT work and enjoy the mental stimulation?

I don't like what your husband said about you struggling with motherhood. Not very supportive. You can still love your kids to bits but want to tear your hair out at the same time!!!

[fuckadoodlepoopoo]

Mutt. Its not about point scoring. They are both under pressures but different pressures that have a different effect. His feeling of being responsible for bringing home the bacon doesn't affect the ops feeling of going insane if she doesn't get any peace. It doesn't affect it in anyway.

He can still take the kids off her hands without it making his feeling of being the breadwinner any worse.

The only way the op can help him with his, is to go back to work and somehow earn enough to cover the childcare of two kids. Something which neither of them might want anyway.

[BlackMaryJanes]

So who is BU?

[nickelbabe]

I do agree that you should leave the flat, too, actually.

it means that you dictate how long your break is for.

and make sure he does the bedtime routine before you get back.

sometimes, I go upstairs to do something and take DH the nighttime stuff, and then disappear for half an hour.

he usually gets DD ready for bed, but sometimes he doesn't think about it, and if i return and she's not ready, I'll turn around again and disappear.

I get frustrated when DH doesn't think about my need for a break, but he wouldn't be so cruel as to tell me i don't need one!

[nickelbabe]

You are NBU in your need for a break.
he is NBU about not wanting to take the kids to the supermarket.
He is BU that he won't take over the childcare for an hour when he gets home.

[BlackMaryJanes]

So what happens when your 2.5yo is bored, hungry, thirsty when you've just settled down to BF your 12mo? you can't get up, can you? which means you'll have a nagging, whingeing 2.5yo calling for you for an hour, or you'll get up and help her whilst the 12mo is (very heavy) trying to stay latched on.

Yes that's exactly the scenario :( Luckily I put her in her 'chair' to have her breakfast whilst I BF or else she would be climbing all over me whilst I try to feed her baby brother.

Do you have any plans to return to work?

I don't have a job to return to. I graduated from uni then got pregnant. DH uses the "you've never worked a day in your life" card regularly.

[BlackMaryJanes]

I don't like what your husband said about you struggling with motherhood. Not very supportive. You can still love your kids to bits but want to tear your hair out at the same time!!!

Do you think it was said with malace or could he really think that I hate motherhood?

[NoSquirrels]

YABU if you ask him to take out 2 toddlers to the supermarket at 6pm EVERY day.

YANBU to require one hour's break at 6pm EVERY day.

DH IBU to say you are "weak" and "hate motherhood".

DH IBU if he thinks he should get an hour to himself on returning from work.

you need to reframe the conversation...

[BlackMaryJanes]

it means that you dictate how long your break is for.

I think he'd be pissed off if it was longer than an hour. And as I don't drive, actually walking somewhere (pub, gym, where ever) I'd get there then have to come straight home.

[fuckadoodlepoopoo]

I think you both are. Him for what he said and not understanding how draining it is, and you for expecting to get to stay in the house/ expecting them to go to the supermarket every day.

[BlackMaryJanes]

you need to reframe the conversation...

Can you give me an example

[nickelbabe]

cycle there and back?

[NoSquirrels]

I've just seen that you are relatively young if you graduated then got pregnant - early twenties? Is your DH the same age? Aging isn't brilliant but it does give you perspective that can sometimes be lacking when you're younger. (God that sounds patronising, I genuinely don't mean it to.)

Do you want to do any further study/training etc for a career? Perhaps it would be good to pursue something?

[fuckadoodlepoopoo]

DH uses the "you've never worked a day in your life" card regularly.

Well that's not nice! I think i would use that as incentive to get a part time job, even just a Saturday job so that you can come home and say it was piss easy in comparison!

Or perhaps point out that he's never done a day looking after his children all by himself either!

(did you never have a part time job?)

[NoSquirrels]

Reframe the conversation
I mean, you need to stop telling him how exhausting motherhood is (which it is! But you just need to underemphasise that for a bit) and tell him how much having a break means to you, how much you appreciate him spending such quality time every day with the children, how it makes for a happy household and how you appreciate that he's tired too, and often stressed, but that once you get a break you can help him with the stressful elements of life by having the mental energy to plan and shop and cook and clean and etc.

I know this might sound like you're pandering to him. But really, when you can look past just what YOU need, and try to see what the other person needs, then it often means they are willing to meet you in the middle, instead of being entrenched in your opposing positions.

There is a compromise to be had for you both. But do tell him that it hurt your feelings that he implied that you were not good at motherhood. Try to be calm, and not accuse each other of anything, just let him know how you FEEL.

And get out of the house, for some leisure time on your own, at least once in a while. Your DH should too.

[BarnYardCow]

No, YANBU. It is totally full on all day, apart from Dd2 nap time, and I feel the same.By number 4, I made sure I had some time away, even just to get a shower or get dressed in peace.

[Meglet]

yanbu. I'm currently locked in my room with a cup of tea as I'm at breaking point. The kids are watching cbeebies.

Can you take up running? I run for my life whenever someone has the kids for a bit.

[HollaAtMeBaby]

If you find FT motherhood so intense and feel exhausted and touched-out your words) at the end of the day, why are you still BF a 12mo? Would stopping that, at least during the day, make your days slightly less draining?

[Feelingood]

No YANBU spending all day with anyone is annoying and day after day has a cumulative affect.

If my DH is away I take them out after school pick up so at least I'm not in all four walls in house

[nickelbabe]

Holla - that's really not a helpful comment.

the WHO recommends BFing to at least 2 years, so let's stick to that.

sometimes, the break of BFing is the only sane part of the day.

[EvenIfYouSeeAPoppy]

When I need a short break (leaving dc with dh), I often make myself a coffee, put it in one of those coffee-to-go mugs and take it out with me on a walk. if it's not -10 or tipping it down, it's fine. I sit on a bench, stroll along by the river, etc.

I'm not surprised he doesn't fancy the supermarket every evening any more, and (this is going to be controversial) I think an hour's break a day every day is a luxury with dc that age, as useful as it is, but I really don't like the sound of him 'playing the "you've never worked a day in your life" card'. What do you mean by that? Is he financially controlling?

[Gomez]

Really you both need to gets the idea you deserve a break out of daily expectations. You have to children under 3 and it is shit. It will get better.

You can't have it at both ends of the day either - you said you are not a morning family which suggests your two are not up at 5.30 to begin the daily torture. So get them to bed earlier and there you have your break. But you will lose it at the other end of he day - which is more important to you ?

Have a night each off - say from 6.30 to do with what you want -even if that is lying in bed within headphones watching iPlayer.

And think about what you want to do longer term. If it is to return to work then start planning how, when, what. If not, think about how you can cope longer term with SAHM, look at hobbies, home study maybe to provide some stimulus.

It is hard and you do have my sympathy but stop niggling at each other and try to work together.

[LadyBeagleEyes]

You need to get a job outside the home Op.
Being a SAHM is clearly not for you.
And that's not meant to be judgey at all, BTW.

[UnderWater]

Black you need to organize something where you will go away for the day during the week end. And he will have to look after them for the whole day (even better if you can make it overnight) and he will have to deal with day to day issue such as being sure the washing is done so he can shirts on monday etc...
Do it a few times.

This guy has no idea of what it means to look after 2 young children all day long. And because he doesn't he is just buying into the fantaisie that 'being at home with kids is easy'. 'If you don't like it, then you are have issues with motherhood/you don't love your dcs enough'.

Of course, going to work and then looking after 2 dcs is hard. But then parenthood was never supposed to be easy either and what he is doing is just being a parent to his dcs.
If he think he should have a break during the day, then fine but ensure you also have a break during the day. Impose it (just like he is doing) and see how he feels about it.
I am not talking about scoring points but surely if he needs a break from 'his job' then surely you deserve one too?