to be massively pissed off that I havent stopped all day.....

[Bogeyface]

......but H has barely moved off the sofa?

I did have an hour this morning as I felt slightly hung over as I took a sleeping tablet last night which I dont do often, only when my insomnia has been going for 5 days or more. I always feel very sluggish the next morning til about lunchtime, and he knows this.

When I got up I went to the shops for us and my (ill & disabled) dad as we were both out of milk, and ended up dragging a bag of grit (he bought it from B&Q before anyone links my other thread!) up and down his road so mum could get back up ok from work. Then I swept his drive and steps for him.

Got home, put the shopping away, cooked dinner, did 2 loads of washing (the dryer was still full of the stuff I put on over night), cleared up after dinner and put the clean washing away.

He sat pissing about on his phone or on the PC the entire time, even leaving me to deal with baby DD until I asked him to keep her occupied while I was cooking, which got a sigh. Then I asked him to fetch the bin in and that got a sigh too.

There is now a large pile of his washing which is still sat in the same place, despite me asking him to put it away an hour ago and he is still fucking about on his phone.

In the interests of fairness, he was made redundant before Xmas so I understand that he could be down but I dont think he is actually depressed, just a bit pissed off at the moment. And he can summon enough energy to go the cinema when his friend asks him to, or got to a mates for a drink, or go shopping when he got found a gift card he had forgotten he had got. He was enthusiastic enough about totally reorganising his DVD collection! He never did anything in the house when he was at work apart from the bins and occasionally the dishwasher, and now he does no more than that even though he is at home all day.

So AIBU to utterly fucked off that I havent stopped and the 3 things I asked him to do got a face and a "I am so put upon" sigh or didnt get done? Forgot, I also cleaned the bathroom.

Spell it out to him - what you have done with your day and what he has done with his. Shame him.

All that will happen is that he will kick off, bring up every little job he has ever done and then sulk for three days.

Its pathetic.

I am thinking of not doing his washing or cooking if he does that though.

If he's not working is he at least spending his days looking for a job?

If not, then give him a list and jobs to do. Certainly don't do his stuff.

He is yes, but so am I. I was a SAHM when he lost his job so we are both looking and applying for everything we can.

If I can manage to do all that AND look for a job, then whats his excuse?

There is none.

And if you both end up working, the housework and stuff needs dividing fairly.

May be a cattle prod to motivate him?

www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p00bvbkv

Maybe like this?

www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p00bvbkv

I love that. Make sure you have plenty of clean tights.

HAve you tried starting the morning by saying..... "We need some milk, and Dad needs some too, so would you rather start with nipping to the shop for that, or putting the washing on and washing the breakfast things on while I nip out and do that ?" ?

As, to be fair, given a choice between sitting faffing about, and doing chores, I too would faff about. Perhaps it needs to be clearer for him what the choice actually needs to be out of.

Really Back?

No one gives me a choice or tells me what to do! Not saying that you are wrong, but as I say, I dont get given a list or instructions and I feel that I should not have to do the same for him. The deal was the he would help out more and he did for a bit but now he doesnt.

And if you both end up working, the housework and stuff needs dividing fairly.

Anyone care to lay bets on the likelihood of that?

Tbh my ideal situation would be me finding a job and him being the SAHP because our childcare fees would be more than the SAHP could earn (we have 4 children needing care, one full time and 3 before/after school). I wouldnt mind doing him a list then, and I would love to see how he manages! I am sure that his attitude of "What has she been doing all day" that was unspoken when he was at work would soon change. His washing did itself you know, and the shopping was done by the fairies, as was the cleaning, the cooking, the school run.......

I do what Back says, dh is beginning to now understand that he has to pull his weight. Even though I still do more he is using his initiative a bit.

We both work FT

I used to get pissed off by that sort of thing. Now I'm a lone parent, I do it all anyway, it's completely unstressful, I'm calm, happy and just living my life!! I left the bastard. Sorry, completely unhelpful I know.

Not at all unhelpful

Its on my "to do" list but it isnt doable for atleast 2 years, possibly longer for health reasons of someone in our family. In the meantime, trying to make the best of it.

fucking phone! Keep pressing the wrong button!

I meant to add that it gives me a light at the end of the (admittedly very long) tunnel. Thanks x

Are you sure it's not possible? In my experience there are always a million reasons not to leave someone. In the end, I was forced to because of certain things happening. But if it hadn't happened I think I would have made excuses for not doing it for the rest of my life. I think it's so important to leave if you think it's what you want, because living in a very unhappy house can be destroying, especially for children.

No, it really isnt possible. I havent posted on MN about why, would you just take my word for it?

I mean, yes it is possible but would make life so hard for one person in particular, one person who needs us and would suffer far more than either him or me if we split right now.

Ah, difficult then. But if you do think that's what you want, then keep focused on it, because oddly enough, life where you're doing everything yourself because you have to (being on your own) can be so much less stressful and hOther than that, I don't appier than being in a unsupportive relationship. Good luck! Other than that - I don't know, I wonder if acting like you're on your own and stop expecting help might be easier. Just get on with it - and let him get on with his boring life on the PC! (She says, surfing mumsnet!!)

oops - typos in there - meant to say " so much less stressful and happier than being in an unsupportive relationship"

I was a single parent for years before I married him and you are right, it is easier. Its the lack of disappointment that makes life easier. You dont hope that someone will do the right thing and feel let down when they dont, you have any expectations.

Good point about acting as if I am on my own, not that easy but I will keep it in mind .

You shouldn't have to tell him what needs doing really. But maybe you are going to have to prod him - a lot.

And tell him to lay off with the bloody sighing, the soft shite.

You shouldn't have to tell him what to do- but then in an ideal world you wouldn't be planning to leave him either. It sounds like you have decided to LTB in the long term, in the short term I'd be giving lists a go if I was you.

Yes BogeyFace, really.
I mean, in an ideal partner you wouldn't have to, but any adult that wasn't "brought up right" by their parents, needs to relearn to do things when they are with their partner. Sounds like you might be with the latter sort rather than the "perfect partner" sort, and it just seems like a non-confrontational, non-nagging way of getting the work distribution a bit more even. Lovely if both halves of a couple think the same things are important and both notice what needs to be done and prioritise getting them done, but when that's not the situation and lets be honest, who falls into a relationship like that? then you decide how to work things out from now on, rather than just wishing things were different.

Point taken back and very well put

Thank you

My pleasure