To think that my DM is being to overbearing?

[Raspberryyogurt]

I have had to move back in with my DM and DF 7 weeks ago. I have found the my mum is very overbearing with my DS and thinks that she is mum sometimes, It is driving me insane and I new to know if its just me or she generally is being unreasonable.

Some of the things she does are...

1. She criticises me when I discipline DS, I use the 'Time out' technique and it works well for us my she is always telling me (While trying to teach DS) that 'He needs a smack, That will teach him' She keeps going on about how I should smack him as we were smacked as children and it 'Didn't do us any harm'. I would never smack my DS, end of.

1. She calls him 'My boy' and refers to him as this to whoever she is talking to.

1. She continuously tells people how she is sure that DS will call her and my DF 'Mum' and 'Dad' because they are a parental figure now.

1. I am pregnant with DC2 and I have a scan next week, Because it is booked on a day that she is busy and can't attend I have been told that I 'Never consider other people' I am 'Utterly selfish' and I have been told to 'Shut the fuck up' every time I talk to her about it. FYI she can come to the scan it had to be booked that day as that was the only day i was offered and i have an appointment the week after for results etc. she has now said that she doesn't want to because I tried to exclude her.

1. She criticises everything DS wears, If he is in his pyjamas too long or if an outfit doesn't match it's 'Mummy's fault'.

1. When I tell DS 'No' an he is upset he will run to her and she picks him up straight away and tells him 'Mummy's being mean'.

1. When I am playing with DS she is always find something that will interest him more and so he leaves me and plays with her, This happens every time.

1. She criticises my portion sizes for DS and what he eats when i feed him. (Always healthy food, Within the guidelines).

1. If he is playing with something pink she snatches it off of him and says 'Only girls play with pink things'.

10. She has to give him his bedtime bottle or she becomes moody as that is the only time DS will sit still and have a cuddle (He has never been a cuddly baby) Then hands him over to me to take him to bed.

11. She walks in my room when she hears that he is awake to say hello when I am getting ready to get up.

Every time I try to talk to her about these things she gets angry and creates an atmosphere for everyone else for the rest of the week.

I don't know what to do, AIBU? Or is this normal?

I don't think this is going to work. Is there any way at all you could move out?

sorry about mistakes I am on my phone, Should have also included that DS is 17 months.

There is no way I could move out unfortunately, My Fiancé left me and I was kicked out of the home so I have no money and nowhere to go.

This does not bode well. Is there nowhere else you can stay? Another relative maybe?

why do you need to ask? of course this isn't normal behaviour!
You are going to have to move out unfortunately, I don't imagine for one moment that your dm will be able to adapt her behaviour.sorry

cross posts..you poor thing....
Anyone else at all? siblings? friends?

Get on to housing asap. Declare your self homeless and get out as soon as you can.

And give your fiancé a swift kick in the bollocks for being a feckless loser and making a pregnant mother homeless.

You may have to put up with this for a while, but do everything in your power to get out of there as soon as you can.

Because I don't think she's going to listen to reason.

At least you can let her provide child care while you work and save money? I hope?

I agree..present yourself at housing first thing monday and see how they can help.

Probably being dumb but could you apply for a council house ? Poor you just what you need.

WTF? Your mother is a cow and trying to takeover your son. You must be entitled to help. Surely she is bad for your mental health. Can citizens Advice help?

Hope you get away soon

YANBU

Good on you for not smacking your ds. Btw I think 17 mo is much too young for Time Out, at this age he just needs a gentle 'no' or direction / distraction.

Good luck with your housing, and congratulations on your pregnancy!

This is definitely not normal. Of course YANBU. Just how dare she insist on giving him his bedtime bottle - what if you want to give it to him? Are you allowed to be moody about this, or do you always have to fit in around DM's moods? She sounds like a nightmare. I would suggest you try and change your behaviour drastically to become more assertive.. or leave asap.

Get on a list. Get out. She is damaging.

Thankyou all for your replies.

I would love to get a house, I didn't think that I would be able to get one; It's just money that I am worried about and I thought that I wouldn't be piority as there is room for me here. I will give them a call and ask them for advice.

It has been extremely hard with my recent breakup, Going through pregnancy alone and getting used to the fact that I am now a single parent but my mum has added to the stress and its getting on top of me now.

Oh you poor poor woman!

Of course it isn't normal...she is seriously hell bent on taking over your son for herself!

Can you talk to the housing association about a council house? Surely with dc, 1 on way and made homeless you'd be high on the list?

Does fiance pay maintenance?

Could you speak to your HV or MW about the situation (specifically HV), mayve they could assist with guiding you to local services that you could use to help get out.

Ex doesn't pay anything towards DS as he is a student and the CSA say that 'He doesn't have to'. I have only just got the CB changed over as he refused to give me the details because it was put into his bank account.

As a Nana to my beautiful Grandchildren I am disgusted in the way your Mother is behaving. However much she may disagree with your routines and ways of doing things she should remember that your children are yours and respect that everyone has different ideas of parenting.

If, (which I do not think for one minute you are) maybe doing something that is not beneficial to your son in her eyes the correct way of handling it would to say "have you maybe thought of trying to do it this way, it worked for me when you were young" instead of being domineering.

As for entering your room, whether it is in her house or not is totally disrespectful, it is still your own private personal space and she should not enter without your invite.

As suggested before go to the housing dept and get your name down for a council house, tell them about your situation and ask to be classed as homeless.

Good luck and hug xx

If you can get a housing application in even if you're not at the top of list (depends where you live, here we have a points system)

Once you're on list council should be able to act as guarantor for private landlord so you don't have to pay anything up front be ause you have young child

Your DS should not be subject to this, it is confusing and potentially toxic to your relationship with him

Be careful going homeless, in our city homeless will result in 6 weeks in an awful b&b where you have to be out from 10 every day. They are very scary places for adults never mind children, followed by housing in a high rise flat no-one else wants. If you live in a small town/rural you might be luckier, a big city, don't do it.

Not sure where you are but google housing associations in your area and register with ALL of them, and go to your housing advice team and ask about a statutory homeless interview. Ask if they have any direct lets/quick key schemes. Get any applications you already have in updated, and if you can get your midwife team/doctor/surestart to write you a support letter do so.

You have to get out of there for not only your sake but your childrens too

Where (roughly) are you OP - some areas have short or even no waiting lists for properties, and plenty of private lets going too. I'm in the north east and it is fairly straightforward to get a property here, and the HA ones have rents that are at or below the housing benefit levels so there's no more to find each week.
Would you consider moving away with your children? I know it would be hard, but you could meet new friends and if your parents are no help anyway, and just add to your stress, maybe a break from them and a fresh start as an adult, with a family, in your own right so to speak would be a good thing for you and your DCs. It could be done, there are people who will help and advise you and who've been through it themselves - not just here but in r/l too. Might be worth thinking over and looking into...

If you're going to make a homeless application as some are recommending (which is the only way you'd potentially be 'bumped' up the list- however, legislation changed last year so that homeless applicants don't necessary automatically get council/ housing association accommodation if they're owed a duty- you'd more likely be put in cheap private rented acc) then your parents would need to be serious about throwing you out.

I'm a housing officer and my job is to make decisions on homeless applications. It can be a lengthy and quite stressful process- we will pry into every part of your life- if you're going to make a contrived application (ie: your parents aren't asking you to leave), you'll need to do a good job of lying and your parents sticking with the story. You will be made to sign a declaration in which you face prosecution and a fine of up to £5000 if you're proven to have made a contrived application, or have lied about anything to improve your chances of being owed a duty.

It's also not a guarantee that you'll end up getting help either- your main barrier would be that you could potentially be found intentionally homeless, in which case, the council would be legally obliged to inform social services and they would pick up your case. It really depends on why you lost your previous accommodation, and whether, essentially, if was through your own fault.

However, your situation sounds really challenging and I'm not surprised you're struggling here. Her behaviour is not reasonable at all.