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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want DP to come to baby groups?

21 replies

alisunshine29 · 18/01/2013 12:03

In the area we live in I don't know anyone so have started taking DD 7 months to baby groups. DP works shifts and so is sometimes off in the week. He had expected we'd miss groups to spend all day with him and when I said I'd still like to go he said he will come too. Problem is he is very quiet and unapproachable and doesn't talk to anyone and if I talk to anyone he follows me around like a lost puppy and maks others feel awkward. We do everything else together, is it unreasonable to want to take DD to groups alone? He looks after her 2 days per week so if it's the experience of groups with DD he wants then he could take her then. We go swimming, walking etc together - just feel I'll never make any friends if I go to groups and only talk to DP.

OP posts:

M0naLisa · 18/01/2013 12:05

Jut tell him you want it as mummy and daughter time

Pancakeflipper · 18/01/2013 12:06

YANBU

ENormaSnob · 18/01/2013 12:07

Yanbu

VinegarDrinker · 18/01/2013 12:08

Hmm, on balance I think YABU. I would go but make an effort to talk to other people. Give him the baby so you can chat! He may want/need to go a few times with you to get the confidence to go on his own with her. My DH has only really been confident going to things once I've been once with him and shown him where to go/how it works etc.

VinegarDrinker · 18/01/2013 12:09

Oh what I also meant to say is you could ask him to take her on his days off too, then you go shopping/for a swim/read a book or whatever.

13Iggis · 18/01/2013 12:10

Maybe he wants to go with you once to get up the nerve to take dd on his own days with her. To see if there are men there, for example, and not feel such a newbie.
So I think I'd let him on the understanding it was a one off though. You're entitled to make new friends without him following you around!

Original poster

alisunshine29 · 18/01/2013 12:13

Baby won't settle with him if she can see me so it's literally him following DD and I around. He has no problem taking her alone though.

OP posts:

Hassled · 18/01/2013 12:14

Just talk to him - he gets to meet and talk to people when he's working and you want to have the same chances that he does. Maybe if you make it all a bit "you want to make girly friends to talk about periods and makeup and shite" he won't feel excluded or hurt, IYSWIM. I know that's not what you want, but it's better than saying he makes others feel awkward!

WhatchuTalkinBoutPhyllis · 18/01/2013 12:15

yanbu to not want him to come but yabu if you ban him.

I know where your coming from though

VinegarDrinker · 18/01/2013 12:18

If he goes to the same groups when he has her it us difficult to claim them as "your" friends tbh. How old is your baby and how often are we talking about this happening?

(I am writing this from the sofa with a cup of tea while DH and DS are at toddler group ).

KitCat26 · 18/01/2013 12:23

YANBU, I'd hate it feel exactly the same. It is nice to meet people in your own right.

Maybe you could sell it as 'me time' for him - maybe he could get a lie in or something on the days you have a baby group and he is off.

Yika · 18/01/2013 12:26

YANBU but then I can't stand lost puppy syndrome - it shouldn't be beyond the wit of a grown man to develop a few basic social skills.

rainrainandmorerain · 18/01/2013 19:34

yanbu - and I'm waving a warning flag about this behaviour.

I think it is quite reasonable of him to come to one or two groups with you, if he is going to be taking DD without you (and good for him). Baby groups are very mum dominated, and that can be hard for a dad, if he's the only bloke in a room. I think other mums will be more likely to at least say hello and try and chat if they have met him before with you (my dp is a hands-on dad, and this is our experience).

BUT.... no, you do not want a lost puppy deadweight with you, sorry. My thoughts are - if you are in an area where you don't know anyone, what is HE doing, with or without DD, to meet people and make friends? Does he have hobbies, do sport? Will he socialise with work colleagues?

Or is he expecting you to make a social life for him? that really won't work. Friends YOU make want to be friends with YOU. They will most probably be polite and try and involve your dp too, if they really like you! but if he can't be good company in his own right, it just won't work.

Being blunt - I met a mum I really got on with via baby groups, and she often had a husband trailing around with her. He was virtually mute and just very hard work (she was very funny and lively). We went on a few days out with our babies where he came too, and it was just awkward as hell. A couple of times she mentioned the possibility of her dp meeting up with their ds and me/mine when she was at work/away, and I'm afraid I got cold feet at that point. It wasn't fair on me - and it was just an odd feeling, that she was trying to make friends FOR him, as a grown man.

I think introductions are fine, btw - but if he isn't making friends himself, he can't make your friends, IYSWIM, and it will probably stop other mums befriending you to some degree.

If he feels awkward at these groups, you could ask your hv if there is a dads and baby/toddler group in your area, and get him to go to that. But really, it's not just about baby groups - if he isn't making an effort to make at least a few friends/social life for himself, then you're just going to turn into the wife who has to go everywhere with him and speak for him.

McNewPants2013 · 18/01/2013 19:38

Yanbu, I never wanted DH to come with me either it was MY thing to do.

NatashaBee · 18/01/2013 19:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SunbathingintheRain · 18/01/2013 19:47

YANBU.

IneedAsockamnesty · 18/01/2013 19:49

Yanbu.

I think its a bit controling and isolating to insist on spending every spare moment with your partner unless both people are totally ok with that

catkind · 18/01/2013 19:57

I think YABU. If I was off work on a day I usually work of course I'd want to go with DH and children wherever they were going to go. It's hard to make friends at a toddler group if you're not with a child, and particularly so for a man. Give him a chance, once he's got to know a few people with you he'll be fine. Why not give him the baby, leg it to the other side of the room so she can't see you and you can have a cuppa and chat with your friends?
Or you could have another baby and then you can look after one each

fuckadoodlepoopoo · 18/01/2013 19:59

Yanbu

Its hard to make friends when you have someone else with you all the time following you around!

My sil always complained that no one would speak to her at playgroups but she always took her mum with her. Its so much harder to go up and start a conversation with two new people rather than one. Especially when one of them look unfriendly (like my sil).

sleepyhead · 18/01/2013 20:15

YAB a bit U. Dh also works shifts so sometimes has a day off in the week.

It's our family time, like most people have weekends as family time. So (pre-ds starting school) we did things together or dh did something with ds - I have my own 1-1 time with ds and it's good for their relationship to also have this time (plus I get a break).

If your dh works 5 in 7 then I don't think it's unreasonable for him to want to spend his 2 days off with his family. If you think that his shyness will cramp your style at groups then can't you give them a miss that day?

Having said that, I'm not a great networker and dh is fantastic at it, so I probably can't really see where you're coming from in terms of your particular relationship dynamic. I still think it's good for a dad to get to spend a lot of time with their child on their days off though, especially if the other partner is at home most of the time. The more time he spends with your dd, the less clingy she'll likely be with you for a start.

HelenLynn · 18/01/2013 20:24

YANBU, but I think it would be slightly poor form not to explain why; I think I'd just say I wanted to go alone with DC because I wanted to get to know some of the other mums, and I really don't think he should see this as any slight. It's inevitably harder to get talking to other people at a group if you're there with someone you already know.

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