AIBU to be furious with DH depite the fact he won 20k?

[kingsriver]

DH has always had a fondness for gambling although he always seemed to be in control. The last week however he has been playing online and although he has won almost 35k I'm really freaked out because he was almost demonic playing last night & wouldn't/couldn't shut down the pc. He is recovering after a 6 month stress/depressive episode and I'm not comfortable with this latest turn despite the (lovely) money.

No no no!

Bloody hell- he is addicted, you can't afford to lose that money therefore he cannot gamble it.

Call your GP now. Call Gamblers Anonymous.

If he'll let you, take away his credit/debit cards.

I was once with a gambling addict and thank FUCK we didn't share finances. It's scary, and you've only uncovered the tip of it. Pray he hasn't 'won' this money but is actually down overall OR racked up debt on cards elsewhere.

So so sorry you're going through this.

Of course YANBU. He may be in the money at the minute but the thing about addictive gamblers is that they'll keep going - so he could be 20k down soon! Who do you think the real winners are in any of these online gambling things? If it were certain people would make money, we'd all be doing it

YANBU... try to see if he'll get help while he's in a purple patch.

Friend of DH's had awful gambling habit, things went badly for him and he asked DW if they could get a second mortgage to try and cover it. His stress and the fact she said 'no' led him to hit/hurt her - he's now leading a miserable and very poor life divorced from her & unable to spend time with his DCs without supervision.

Kingsriver - how in control of finances are you?

PS. Anyone else initially curious about how physical prowess generated such ire?

My husband works with a gambling addict. He justifies all his behaviour when he gets a win. He has borrowed money from all his colleagues for kids school meals, mortgage payments, food shops and hasn't said them back for months. He never asks for money to bet with and genuinely can't see a connection between his gambling and his lack of money because when a win comes along it 'justifies' every penny he has bet.

I don't know how his wife puts us with it, don't be her OP he needs to get help or that 20 grand will disappear and take far more with it.

Fuck this is not good. He is very much in control of finances and always has been. He (we) is pretty well off and it is his money in the sense that I brought nothing to the table 16 years ago and have never really had a career of my own. Am a SAHM now. He's sleeping it off now (also drank a lot) so will talk to him when he surfaces. Just so frustrated that just as we're getting over the events of the last 6 months (I've started counselling to deal with the anxiety in the aftermath) it looks like we're not out of the woods yet. AND it's about HIM again
PS How do you insert emoticons?

Yanbu if you're saying he has won 35k but only 20k meaning that he has played with/lost/regained 15k

I'd take the money out now and close the accounts and get him some help.

It's incredibly addictive - I blew a weeks wages in a slot machine at 16 so I don't play then now as I'm aware I could easily get addicted.

Chop up his cards? Allow him 2 k to play with and when it's gone it's gone

Yfronts

2 grand? Seriously? I don't know your financial situation but if either me or my dh gambled 2 grand that would be a major issue in our house. Also not sure about 'allowing' an addict to partake in a little bit of their addiction would work. Gambling addicts are like all addicts, they will lie, manipulate and twist things to justify their behaviour. He could just use that against her, 'oh so it's ok when you say so' and then there is the issue of if he wins with it, does he get to blow the winnings again justifying his behaviour 'oh so it's only a problem when when I lose'
OP he needs help and he needs to stop now. As soon as he bets he will either be on a lucky streak so can't stop or he will be chasing the money he's lost because he's due a bit of good luck.

Besides the addiction, what when he starts losing money?

Or how much has he lost already without telling you?

Make a GP appt now and give a gamblers help line a call for some advice before he wakes. Make it very clear he cannot gamble with the family's money- it is not safe.

You might need some time apart to help him through this, but you must must must financially secure yourself first.

In a "woah, calm down" moment, can I put in an aside?

I have a number of friends who are professional poker players. They regularly will blow £20k in an evening, and then have another evening where they ar up £40k. The skill is in knowing when to extract money from the poker pot and move it into (not to be touched for poker) real bank accounts as a salary.

It is very difficult for non-gaming outsiders to see, but gaming money and real money should not be seen as the same thing, think of one as tokens and the other as the stuff that pays the mortgage.

I would suggest, if it hasn't already been done, separating the accounts which he may use for gambling away from the accounts which are for real life and if he wants to gamble he may only use the (debit only, no overdraft) former to do so. As long as only money from that account is used and no promises are made, debt is impossible.

If he ever takes from the real account to fund the other, that's when you can react with the whole "addicted, problem, alarm" type responses, but it is perfectly possible to make a good healthy living from online gambling without it becoming negative.

Also, I wouldn't find an 8 hour gambling session out of order if he wants to be good at it, after all, you'd spend 8 hours at work wouldn't you?

I'm not saying he isn't addicted and doesn't need help if that's the case, but there's no need to cry foul if that isn't the case.

My NDN is a problem gambler. Afaik their lives are a misery - we get to see some of that in overhearing the incessant screaming rows, shrieking at each other and the children, starting fights with anyone and everyone who commits some perceived slight (including strangers in the street, other neighbours etc).

Their car is damaged and untaxed, he does a part time job under another name...

Sorry but this can only go one way.

I can understand what Happily is saying - without knowing more about the type of gaming - Poker or exchange trading is a very different game from Slots for example - and his financial position and the stakes he is using you cannot be sure this is an extremely serious addiction/problem, although I do appreciate this is a huge shock to you and it potentially doesn't sound good.

I'm not going to comment on your relationship/financial security aspect as a SAHM what does ring alarm bells however is the comment you make about him having been stressed/depressed and drinking a lot whilst gambling as that could indicate he's using gambling as a prop or release and that may be a red flag for potential addiction.

Please contact Gamcare and discuss with them/ask for advice. Please also talk with your DH when he's woken up but I wouldn't go in all guns blazing; talk calmly, try to find out if he's gambling with money that is needed for essentials/the family or if it is his own disposable income (whilst that is also money that could be used for the family, if eg he is someone who has just pocketed a 6 figure bonus and was playing relatively low stakes, it is a different story from if he's betting the mortgage money, using credit cards). If he does have a problem, then like any addiction he has to want to change - you can ensure you're not enabling him, but you can't force him to stop, it must come from him. Encourage him to use the self-exclusion facilties on the on-line sites, talk with Gamcare and Gamblers Anonymous.

As someone with a good friend who's a gambler and has a very serious addiction, I completely understand your anger.

He can turn scary and erratic in a second. He gambles his work money, his rent money, what he's just earned. He's very unhappy. The gambling is just something he feels he HAS to do or he'll explode with stress. It's not just about the money.

Happily, if you read the op she clearly says he's been depressed, was out of control last night and was drinking.

Hardly in control is he?

If he has been depressed for 6 months and now on this high, has he ever been assessed for cycling bi-polar illness. Is he very enegetic at the minute?

Just a thought and sorry if off beam.

YABU because he won.

YANBU to now ask him to take the winnings and walk away.

I had a friend who went bankrupt after a lucky 15k win on online gambling. The 15k was lost within days, and after a few weeks it was 30k debt (took out a loan to try and gamble the lost winnings back!)

Rocknroll
The serious non-addicted gamblers I came across (I worked in a bookies part time for a couple of years) didn't get excited or on a high. It was like a serious job to them. They would bet up to their limit then walk away (whether or not they won or lost), often quite cold and emotionless about it.

There were a middle ground who liked to gamble but knew they could get hooked so would come in once a week and gamble a set amount and pocket any winnings. One guy mentioned he used to leave his bank cards at home so he couldn't get tempted to carry on.

Then there were those who used to come in betting £50 a time etc at the start of the day and were scrabbling around for 50ps at the end of the day. Sometimes you told them to go home and one or two would get really really angry if they couldn't have credit etc. They were clearly addicted and very emotionally involved.

Chazs I agree, at high stakes, controlled gambling it's effectively a job (and just as dull and grindingly boring a lot of the time), that's why I tried to make my post balanced and point out that the drinking and depression were of concern. I should have also noted the 'demonic' bit too as you're right that's far removed from the cold non-addicted gambler.

OP - please do read the advice on here and make a call to Gamcare today, they will not judge and have vast amounts of experience supporting people in your position.

Kingsriver - are there any other signs of hyper behaviour from him? Does he have little need for sleep, low attention span, low appetite, or is easily agitated, talking quickly or doing other risky or out-of-character things?

You said he has had a depressive period recently and to be honest the first thing that came to mind is bipolar disorder - uncharacteristic gambling is something that people with bipolar sometimes do when in a manic phase.

This is what I would do: get him seen by a doctor or MH team; call Gamblers Anon and see if they can direct you to any resources that are helpful; get all your financial information together NOW, to work out how bad it is. You have no idea if he's just blown through all your money or not.

From close experience, I can say that gambling destroys lives and relationships and particularly trust between children and parents, because children seem to see through all the bullshit and understand that their parent's risky behaviour is dangerous and selfish - it makes them very insecure because they know any affluence is an illusion that can get ripped away at a moment's notice.

Online gambling is the very devil, because it's so normalised by those fucking adverts in between football games etc that make me want to scream at the TV - and it wasn't even my direct family that was affected.

The house ALWAYS wins in the end - that's why it's a mega industry - and the really rich people are not the ones gambling!!! It's just hubris to think you have any control really but it does appeal to the ego to think you're cleverer than them.

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this issue - try to breathe, use rational arguments and agree acceptable behaviour. Try not to stigmatise as he may start to hide his behaviour. Try to get him to talk it through with any mental health professionals he's in contact with or his GP and to see it as part of his illness. If need be start to protect yourself and your children by exerting some financial control - don't feel guilty, this isn't just about you. Take care of yourself.

You mean he told you that's what he won.

Do you really know anything other than he has a gambling addiction ?

Ask him to cash in the majority of the money and leave him a small amount to play with? If he can handle it? I have seen both sides, one cousin who lost everything to gambling and lied to borrow money from everyone (owes us £800 to this day) and someone else who had a business but never went into work as he played poker at night, he made a lot of money from poker and in the end got a manager in to keep his business afloat as he was much more profitable gambling. the stakes were staggering and he even got a major tournament in Vegas, but for every 1 of him there are thousands of gamblers losing.