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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel jealous and wronged on my daughter's and my behalf?

25 replies

spiffinglygood · 17/01/2013 20:09

I have a 5year old stepson who I adore, we have hi every weekend and through the holidays. We had a baby girl 4 months ago. My partner's family aren't particularly close and we don't see them often. The exception is his sister maybe who we see every now and then. First time I'd spoken to her was when I was pregnant. She sort of took DP ex's side after the split as she wanted to remain close to their son. DPs ex cheated on him that's why they broke up so it's not like she was sticking by the wronged party. She's actually really nice and I'm pleased for my stepson that he's got someone in his life who unlike his mum is bitter and into a bit of parental alienation. She adores him and sees him nearly everyday but rarely comes to ours when he's here to see both of the children. In fact DPs ex has just had a baby and DPs sister is putting pictures on fb of stepson and new baby and captioning it as 'stepson and his baby sister'. I don't have pics of my baby on fb because I didn't want to but it makes me feel a bit crappy when there are pics as if they are her nephew and niece when it's not he niece at all and she rarely sees her niece.

She came over the other night after I emailed pics of the children and she was saying how much DPs ex lies about us and how she knows it's not true but she doesn't say anything. She admitted that his ex only had a baby because we did and that she thinks she is really hung up on my partner and has convinced herself that he pines after her and I somehow control him away from her. It's mad, it's been years! So me and my partner get criticised in front of stepson and nothing gets said. We already knew this but I wish as she knows it's not true and that it upsets my stepson that she'd stop it.

AIBU to A) expect similar attention from her for my daughter as they are just as much related as she is to stepson and

B) to expect that if she knows how outrageous the exs lies are that she says to please stop it...

OP posts:

PureQuintessence · 17/01/2013 20:13

I think you need to let this pass. She is acting in the interest of the child, not the ex. I bet she knows that you are a sensible person, and that stepson is safe with you and that his life is ok at yours. She might be concerned that not everything is as it should when he is with his mum.

Original poster

spiffinglygood · 17/01/2013 20:25

That's what my partner said after getting angry with me for feeling a bit jealous. But then he admitted that he's worried that the new baby will become her niece as he knows his ex is the type to auntie 'blah' even when they aren't. I'm probably just sensitive. I'm not bothered by the rest of the family not seeing my baby, it's just her because of the type of relationship she has with her nephew.

OP posts:

Original poster

spiffinglygood · 17/01/2013 20:28

Even when I say all this I feel silly. So I suppose I am actually being silly!

OP posts:

CloudsAndTrees · 17/01/2013 20:30

Is there a reason why he shouldn't treat her nephews sister as a niece?

There are step siblings in my extended family, and they are treated no differently. As it should be.

I'm not bothered by the rest of the family not seeing my baby, it's just her because of the type of relationship she has with her nephew.

This means YABVU. You don't care that your dd isn't seeing her Aunty, you just care that the Aunty doesn't see more of your step sons other sister than she does yours.

Original poster

spiffinglygood · 17/01/2013 20:37

No I didn't mean that at all. I mean I'd be upset if the rest of the family had involvement with stepson and not daughter but they don't bother with either. I'm jealous on my daughter's behalf because I want her to be as involved with my daughter as she is with her nephew. I don't want my daughter to grow up knowing that her brother has an auntie that should want to see her as much as she sees him. It's far less about the other child but I think it's valid for me to be upset if the other child gets treated as a niece while my baby gets a once in blue moon visit. Ok obviously I know I'm being crazy but I feel like my child will always come secondary when I believe that as I treat them no differently that the family should do the same.

OP posts:

Original poster

spiffinglygood · 17/01/2013 20:39

There are step siblings in my extended family, and they are treated no differently. As it should be.

My point exactly.

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PureQuintessence · 17/01/2013 20:40

I am encouraging my sons to call my cousin auntie. She is not their auntie. But we have so little family, we happily "upgrade" those we do have.

It makes my sons happy to think of my cousin as "auntie". We are very close.

Original poster

spiffinglygood · 17/01/2013 20:41

I have nieces and nephews and they all get teated equally because I love them all. Is it wrong to want the same from my daughters aunt? I mean really?

OP posts:

Original poster

spiffinglygood · 17/01/2013 20:43

Ok I conceed that it doesn't matter about the other, I just wish she had as much interest in my child or coming to see us when we have both my daughter and my stepson sometimes

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Original poster

spiffinglygood · 17/01/2013 20:45

I'm making lots of typos because my baby is a fidgety eater sorry.

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PureQuintessence · 17/01/2013 20:48

Can you invite her? Let her know that you want her in your lives? Maybe she feels awkward and not wanted because she is perceived to have taken sides? Maybe the initiative must come from you, not her?

MammaTJ · 17/01/2013 20:49

She sounds lovely and very much a 'spy in the camp' of your DPs ex, meaning she is being overly friendly to check all is ok with her nephew. TBH, when my nephews were young, had my DSis and her DH split, I would have done the same!!

I adore my nephews, she adores her. She adores your child too, but needs to show it to the exes child to secure her position to keep an eye on nephew. She does not need to show preference to your child, her position is secure, or should be, if you can get over your insecurities.

Please do, and become a co conspiritor(?sp).

As for sadness for you DD, talk to her about it. I bet she would take it on board and pay more attention to her, but in privacy and not on FB, which is what you want anyway.

CloudsAndTrees · 17/01/2013 20:50

It's not wrong, but it's unrealistic if you expect the same amount of time to be spent with every one.

Firstly, your baby is only four moths old. You can't yet judge how she is going to treat the children in the future.

She is seeing the other baby because she is friends with the mother, not just because she is mother to his niece. If she was seeing a baby that belonged to her best friend more than she saw your baby, would you still feel the same?

I think you are feeling like this because of the ex, and who your husbands sister and ex are friends with are nothing to do with you.

It's understandable that when you are in the early PFB days, you feel a bit irrational, but try to put it into perspective so that you don't create a barrier between your dd and her Aunty that doesn't need to exist.

Original poster

spiffinglygood · 17/01/2013 20:57

I email her every few weeks with pictures of the little ones I invite her for dinner at weekends but she's rarely available. She said she feels easy talking to me because the ex flies off the handle and just criticises us all the time whereas she said she can tell that both of the children always come first with us and we never stoop to criticising ex to stepson. She said she thinks I'm a good mum. I don't know. I'm really trying. I don't want a difference between the children, they never suffer that from me or my family. I just want a bit of equality. But I guess I'm fighting a losing battle and for whatever reason it is just different. And obviously it just makes me look stupid to feel this way, so I'll swallow it and carry on as it is and as long as I don't make it look like there's a difference hopefully my daughter wont notice there is.

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AmberLeaf · 17/01/2013 21:04

SIL sounds like a bit of a shit stirrer TBH

Original poster

spiffinglygood · 17/01/2013 21:07

CloudsAndTrees good point about the age thing. And no I wouldn't feel jealous of a friend's baby. But I'm sure if it was just a friend, that friend wouldn't sit there bad mouthing me, my partner and my baby girl who apparently it's funny to laugh at her lack of hair! And maybe if it was, then an auntie would be able to tell the friend to not bad mouth her brother, his partner and their 4 month old baby girl without fear of her 'flying off the handle'

OP posts:

Original poster

spiffinglygood · 17/01/2013 21:16

AmberLeaf she claims to sit and zone out while we are being criticised and she knows we'd never bite to the ex, we take what we're given as long as it doesn't hurt stepson. We realised that if we took issue to anything she would call us names to stepson who gets really confused. So it actually always hurts him worse that just accepting that our family life with stepson isn't as important as hers. She tells her son to call her partner Daddy and tells him to call me dog and tells him I have nits. Thankfully stepson loves me and I think it's because we are consistent in his life and when he's with us there's no drama he can just have fun

OP posts:

AmberLeaf · 17/01/2013 21:23

How much of all that is coming to your ears via SIL?

She is sitting listening to it all, saying nothing in your defence and then coming back and telling you knowing you can say nothing!

I think SIL is behaving like a nasty gossip. if she is going to listen yet say nothing to the EX, she needs to extend that 'saying nothing' to when she visits you too.

Original poster

spiffinglygood · 17/01/2013 21:37

I agree that if she isn't going to defend us then it's best not to tell us. Mostly we get abuse from the ex but sil confirmed that she was telling anyone what she's doing or why she's getting irate with us. She tells the truth about the run in but makes up what happened to set her off. This is why all contact other that the pick up-drop off is via text so that we have some sort of record of the truth. SIL says ex is immature and has a hot temper as if it's an excuse to mess her son up... very very irritating. She's a good aunt to stepson so I'd like her for that, he needs it. But I'd like the same for my girl, that's all. Mind you saying this she did tell the ex that I had a c section and now stepson says 'Mummy's babies came from her fuff and yours came from your tummy' I was a bit miffed at that. And the only way ex knows how much hair daughter has is if SIL showed her pictures, which I think is very disloyal to her niece as she knows ex will be vile about her as she's so vile about my looks...

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ChasedByBees · 17/01/2013 22:54

I think your SIL is a bit of a problem then, she's stirring a lot here!

DoubleYew · 17/01/2013 23:03

OP you've only just recently had a baby who you are naturally very protective over and you want to set them to have a lovely life. I think you need to chill out a bit and stop worrying about what other people are doing and saying. I mean this kindly btw, you can't control what other people do, just concentrate on your own life.

PureQuintessence · 18/01/2013 00:03

I hope your name is not George Double Ya.

nancy75 · 18/01/2013 00:11

Your sister in law sounds like a 2 faced shit stirrer. I would be careful what you say around her about the ex wife, as I would be pretty sure it all gets reported back to her.

Yfronts · 18/01/2013 08:51

I think SIL probably isn't into babies. Babies are actually quite boring and only get slightly interesting at about a 9 months. A 5 year old is going to be much more fun/interactive then a new born. I expect your DD will slowly grow on your SIL, it does take time to bond and I'm sure when your DD is 5 there will be a good bond too. Growing bonds take time and I think you should allow a little space and time for that to happen. It's also brilliant that the 5 year old boy is center of your SIL's world as he could easily feel ignored/second best with all these babies around. It's probably doing him the world of good in a situation most kids would really struggle with.

I think the best thing you can do is continue to play the grown up and act in a mature fashion. Ask not to hear about the gossip and thank SIL for being such a fab aunt to 5 year old.

TheBuskersDog · 18/01/2013 09:13

You say you have nieces and nephews so your daughter has other aunties/uncles, so as long as she has contact with your side of the family there is no need to worry about your SIL not being a big part of her life.

Lots of families live too far away to have regular contact with aunts/uncles and they don't suffer from only seeing them 2 or 3 times a year.

Your daughter certainly won't worry about not seeing someone she doesn't know well when she is older, unless you make an issue out of it.

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