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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want my Mum there

59 replies

CuppaSarah · 17/01/2013 08:55

First time posting an AIBU so please bare with me!

Basically I really don't want my Mum anywhere near me during labour. To give a little context, she has some mental health issues and really can't handle things being about others. This was made VERY apparent last year at my sisters wedding, when she made the groom drive out to Mcdonalds while waiting for my sister to arrive to buy her food becuase she 'came over so faint and dizzy and nearly fainted'

Another example is when I first took DP home to meet her, she managed to actually faint that time(cue a long trip to A+E). I know it's not her fault that she struggles when the spotlights firmly away from her, she finds big things hard to cope with and it's just how she manages them. But I really don't want to deal what ever 'coping strategy' she comes up with for my labour.

My midwifes advised I just don't tell her till babies here, but I know how much it will hurt her, especially as I'll have to tell the in laws when I'm in labour as they live 4 hours away. I don't want to upset her, but I would like to focus on myself throughout labour and not have to worry about how she's going to cope with it. AIBU to just not tell her till babies here?

OP posts:

ENormaSnob · 17/01/2013 09:00

YANBU at all.

Absolutely do not tell her until baby is here.

Fakebook · 17/01/2013 09:04

You could tell her and then ask mw's to not allow in any "visitors".

TobyLerone · 17/01/2013 09:07

YANBU. Don't tell her. If you do, and she turns up, it might cause a scene which would be unfair on the midwives and would stress you out.

Nancy66 · 17/01/2013 09:08

Definitely don't tell her. Don't get why you need to tell the inlaws either?

wigglesrock · 17/01/2013 09:09

YANBU - I can't think of anything worse than having my Mum there - tbh I could barely stand my husband being there and I like him a lot more

stella1w · 17/01/2013 09:10

Yanbu, but no need to give inlaws heads up either.... Baby arrives, text gps, in laws arrive four hours later...or do you want inlaws at birth?

FarrahFawcettsFlick · 17/01/2013 09:10

I wouldn't tell DM or PIL that you've gone into labour. Wait till baby arrives. I went into labour on the Monday, had cs Friday. Bit of a long wait!

TobyLerone · 17/01/2013 09:12

Agree about the in laws. I've had an entire waiting room full of people traipsing in and out when I've just given birth and it's awful!

LaCiccolina · 17/01/2013 09:13

Sorry sounds awful. Surely u just try to stay off topic til last moment when u just go in with dh? Plainly I'm not sure I get why this had to be arranged now?

Just say dh that's it. Stop having conversation and pass it to him if have to. She will find something to argue about so pick the topic u are happy to be Unmoveable on and stick to it!

AngryTrees · 17/01/2013 09:15

YANBU. If she struggles when the spotlight is away from her she is going to find a way to try and way to make it about her no matter what. So you should give birth away from her because no matter how accommodating you try and be she'll figure out a way to create a scene.

I would have her in very small doses not only around the time you give birth but the weeks after that too when you're recovering and trying to adjust to life with a newborn. It might not be her fault that she's like this but you need to look after yourself when you're in that very vulnerable state- get your DH to deal with any fainting spells or unreasonable demands.

LaCiccolina · 17/01/2013 09:15

And I really will have better things to do than text all and sundry that ur in labour, particularly if u start at night or do u really think while ur doing breathing excercises dh will be on phone/fb in corner of room?!?!

Think about it. U will both be preoccupied or should be. Tell everyone once here. That's how most of everyone I know has done it....

LaCiccolina · 17/01/2013 09:16

You not I damn iphone

Original poster

CuppaSarah · 17/01/2013 09:37

Thanks for the advice guys! Since this is my first I really have no concept of what the whole process is going to be like, so I'm almsot certainly worrying more than I should.

LaCiccolina I think you probably are right, when things kicks off I doubt I'll be worrying about anything but labour. I Would like the PIL's to be about but it's a difficult one with the distance and the length of time labours going to take. Thank you all for the outside opinions, has really helped put things back into perspective!

OP posts:

2rebecca · 17/01/2013 09:53

We told no-one until the baby had arrived with our first and with the second only told our inlaws (who live nearer) when in labour with the second so they could come and look after our son who we left with a good friend until then.
After labour especially your first you will be extremely tired and not want visitors immediately. Babies usually come during the night anyway.
Have the baby, husband rings the grandparents when it gets to a sensible hour (although my ex went home and fell asleep for a few hours before phoning anyone as the birth was about 3am). Visitors travel up and visit in late afternoon/ evening. What's the rush? Don't any of these relatives have jobs to do? It was a week before my mum saw my first as she and my dad both worked and lived 8 hours away. She had booked a couple of weeks off work to help me 3 weeks after my due date (I was 2 weeks late so as well it wasn't at my due date).
Why is it so hard to tell any relative that you don't want them at the birth? Most women just have their husbands/ boyfriends.

WhereYouLeftIt · 17/01/2013 10:02

It honestly never occurred to me to inform anyone that I had gone into labour. You have no idea how long it's going to take, so I just didn't see the point of having them on tenterhooks, maybe for >24 hours. Once DS was here, DH phoned both sets of parents.

Absolutely do not phone her. It does not matter whether her behaviour is her 'fault' or not. It's a question of priorities. When you're in labour, everything else goes wa-ay down that list! And frankly, so what if she feels hurt that you didn't tell her? She may well welcome it as giving her something to overdramatise !

Is your relationship such that you could tell her (afterwards! afterwards! else she'll be stalking you, waiting for you to go into labour) why you waited until your baby was born? Or will you have to be all diplomatic?

DontmindifIdo · 17/01/2013 10:07

Most woman in labour only have 1 birthing partner, normally their DH/DP.

If she says she wants to be there, say you only are allowed one birthing partner and that will be DH, but of course you'll get DH to call her as soon as the baby's arrived. (then leave it for a while so you've got time to recover) Make sure she knows she can't turn up for visiting outside visiting hours.

There is no reason to tell her when you are in labour and if you think she's going to create a drama out of it, just don't bother. She might like to be the centre of attention but when you are in labour she can't be.

It's a real pity, you are probably going to have to cut her out a bit if she has to be the centre of attention at all times, with a new DC she can't be so she's going to have to be limited to avoid her ruining lots of different events.

CaptainVonTrapp · 17/01/2013 10:10

YANBU. I only needed to read the first two sentences. You decide whose presence will be helpful and who you will feel comfortable with.

Thats it.

No one else needs to be there. No matter what issues they may or may not have.

LilyAmaryllis · 17/01/2013 10:10

You don't need to have anyone around you during labour, that YOU don't want to be there. It is normal for your DP to be there for you. It is not usual for a parent to be there (I think, if you didn't have a DP then it would be an option, but I know people who asked their sister etc). I don't think I could have got through it without my DH being there... my DM: would have felt a bit wierd.

Original poster

CuppaSarah · 17/01/2013 10:10

I have to be VERY diplomatic with my Mum, she's already asked if she can be there in the room during labour and was very upset that I said no. Babies currently breech and if I have to have an ECV I am dreading telling her I want my DP in for the scan beforehand, not her. She got excited when she first found out she's breech since it meant she might get to see a scan. I was not impressed.

2rebecca, I could easily not tell the rest of the family about labour till little ones here, but I know Mum will be really hurt and take is personaly, so it's a little difficult. The idea of not telling anyone is really looking very appealing, I've been feeling so much pressure from Mum I haven't even reall thought about what I want during labour. I think I'd prefer to surprise everyone

Yup thats my mind made up. I feel really, really good about this now Thankyou all you lovely people!!

OP posts:

Doingakatereddy · 17/01/2013 10:12

My DM is very similar, we made the mistake if calling get when I went into labour.

After 26 hours of labour, my mother had called midwife desk every half hour hysterical & they had to STOP the induction & ask DH to call her as no mums could get through & she was 'endangering life'. I kid you not

DO NOT CALL. some well meaning nurse will let her in. Sorry

TobyLerone · 17/01/2013 10:14

That's it, then. Don't tell anyone at all! Then she can't moan that she's the only one left out.

Good luck!

Original poster

CuppaSarah · 17/01/2013 10:17

Doingakatereddy that sounds awfull! I really feel for you, thats the last thing you needed then. It just cements my decision, I can't have my Mum doing the same. DP has agreed with me and seems quite releaved about it all too.

OP posts:

TidyDancer · 17/01/2013 10:21

I wouldn't tell either your DM or PILs tbh. If you do want visitors at the hospital (and not everyone does) then the four hours after the baby is born that it would take for your PILs to get there would be ideal for you and your DH to spend together with your new baby.

If you're worried about your DM and her reaction, I would probably handle the situation as to reduce the stress on everyone. You don't want to deliberately exclude her, but you don't want to pander to her whim. If you have to, lie to her about visitors not being allowed, then tell her you called her as soon as you could.

I'm not one for upsetting people just to make a point, so I wouldn't in your situation tell her directly or attempt to cut her out just to 'start as you mean to go on' etc. I would handle this situation and then see how things develop. You may find that things get better when the baby is there to water down her influence. It happens. Just take it a day at a time. If a serious decision about limiting contact with her becomes the only option, at least you can say you've tried to not let it come to that.

Just don't let her in the delivery room!

2rebecca · 17/01/2013 10:21

The fact that your mum takes things personally is her problem not yours. Don't turn her problem into your problem. If she imagines slights and insults in normal behaviour then she needs to see a psychologist and you need to tell her that she is the one seeing things oddly. If you arrange everything to avoid her ever getting upset then she won't realise how unreasonably she's behaving. If she chooses to get upset because you don't tell her about the labour instantly then that's up to her. She'll get over it.
I think you'll just have to get used to your mum getting upset more if she chooses to get upset every time she doesn't get what she wants.

zzzzz · 17/01/2013 10:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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