To report DH for drink driving?

[Mycatrocks]

Every week or so, DH goes out with his mates. He drives there. He gets drunk. He drives home.

It sickens me. I have tried talking to him about it but he's just not interested.

He's out tonight, I know where he is, I know he will be drinking. I am at my wits' end.

Should I report him? Would the police be interested? I don't know when he will be driving home so I can't give them an exact time.

Or AIBU? I have tried talking to him about it and that hasn't worked - I feel if I don't report him, I am enabling his criminal and potential deadly behaviour.

WWYD?

Thank you for reading.

[Goldmandra]

It will probably help him to see how little it takes to push him over the limit.

He just needs to bear in mind that being under the limit when he gets in the car does not mean he will still be under it at the end of the journey. Alcohol continues to be absorbed into the blood stream.

It would be a shame if he were to end up getting prosecuted when he was trying to do the right thing.

[Ra88]

Yes!!!

[MurderOfGoths]

"I suspect he is overestimating how much he can drink while staying within the legal limit so maybe after he has tried it a few times and seen how little he can have (compared to what he normally has), he might start getting cabs or not drinking."

Fingers crossed for you!

[Mycatrocks]

Oh that's a good point, I hadn't thought of that.

Hmmmmm. He's just suggested that if he gets a digital one he can use it throughout an evening at home to see what happens - that might be a good idea in terms of seeing how little it takes be over the limit and to the levels going up after he's finished drinking.

Tbh I am hoping it all becomes so tricky he just ditches the booze if he's driving...

[Bogeyface]

Have you compared the cost of a breathalyser to say a months worth of cabs?

Seems like he is refusing to accept that drinkng when you are going to drive is wrong, no matter what the amount and is trying to find a way that he can still drive home.

I would not be happy about this at all tbh OP, it doesnt seem like he has learnt not to drink and drive but to try and not get caught

[Bogeyface]

Oh and the ones you can buy are not the same, or as sensitive as the ones the police use. So it could tell him that he is just under the limit but they will find that actually he is over it.

[fluffyraggies]

Bare in mind they are not always calibrated as sensitively as the police's own, plus it would be easy to start guessing based on past readings on his machine.

ie: 'hmm, last time i had a meal out and two pints i was under the limit. Today i've had a sandwich and one pint - i must be ok.'

Not necessarily so. Two friends of DHs were breathalised by the police at the same time a few years ago, both had eaten about the same amount of food and drunk the same amount of alcohol together at lunch, both were similar builds - one read over the limit, one read under.

[JustFabulous]

Panda - ypur comment about your mum waiting for her brother to come home had me in tears.

OP - your husband needs more of a fright I think as buying the breathalyser just seems like a way to drink and still drive.

I wouldn't be showing anyone this thread as then your H knows it was you who called the police and there might be no coming back from that.

[Bogeyface]

There are three breathalysers that have been approved for police use and none of them are available on Amazon (for eg!) so he will never be sure that he is actually getting an accurate reading until the day he gets it wrong :(

[Bogeyface]

www.drinkdriving.org/drink_driving_information_breathalysers_approved.php

[MrsMelons]

I have been told that the breathalisers are not necessarily that accurate and also if your DH had checked he was ok but was then stopped by the police and their test said he was over the limit it is irrelevant what the test he originally did said.

You really cannot drink very much to stay within the limit and there are no clear guidelines of exactly how much anyway!

[MrsMelons]

I am shocked that his answer to it is to buy a breathaliser TBH. I know drink problems have been mentioned earlier in the thread - I would be seriously concerned that this may be an issue!

OP - you are really brave to have done this, it must be very difficult as he is still your husband but you know you have done the right thing after hearing everyones stories.

I lost a friend in my early 20's as he crashed whilst drink driving, luckily he was on his own and didn't hurt anyone else but it was of course devastating to his friends and family. It was horrific and it took the police half hour to find him as he had been thrown so far from the car as was also not wearing a seat belt.

[Mycatrocks]

I know it's not ideal. I would much rather he didn't drink at all when he's planning to drive.

I don't know whether to be supportive of this as at least he is doing something, intends to stay below the legal limit and will probably end up not drinking because he'll realise how little he can have... Or whether I should do more to stop him drinking at all. And if I want to do more, I don't know what I can do other than leave him, which is no guarantee he is going to stop drinking ... And tbh may well happen anyway.

At least I have a bit of time to think about things now though as there's not going to be another potential drink drive for two weeks...

[fluffyraggies]

Perhaps suggest to him that he does a few experiments at home with the thing for a while when it comes.

Hopefully it will indeed prove that trying to juggle food/alcohol/body weight/hydration is very unpredictable and therefore pretty much un-doable.

Really i would anticipate (and hope) that he'll find that drinking anything over a pint of beer is going to be sailing too close to the wind on many occasions, and therefore, really, what is the point of all this for one pint?

[Bogeyface]

Why wont he gets cabs?

[AnyFucker]

Your husband has a problem with alcohol as he is still trying to find a way to drink and drive

[RandallPinkFloyd]

Sadly I agree with AF.

He's trying anything he can not to have to stop drinking.

Is there a reason why he won't just get a cab or the train/bus?

[StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes]

what would worry me is that even if he accepts drinking and driving is not on would he then get a lift with friend who may also drink drive? could they not arrange a lift system on a rota where one doesn't drink, or willing family / wives / partners do the lifts. Better still book a regular taxi.

[Goldmandra]

The OP can't control her DH to the point where she has them organising a driving rota. This is probably just as much to do with the culture of the group he drinks with as his own personal views.

He is taking a step which should highlight to him how many times he has got behind the wheel while over the limit. He clearly doesn't think drinking affects his ability to drive so the next best thing is him limiting it to the point where he is unlikely to get caught.

That's a big improvement.

Yes he could still have an accident and be found to be over the limit and yes he could still injure someone, even when he is under the limit but the OP's actions have significantly reduced the danger to everyone.

[Casserole]

I would be horrified that, after such a near miss with the police, his response is not to be shocked into not drink driving anymore but rather to try and find a way to get away with as much as he can. Honestly, the thought of buying a breathlyser would not ever have occured to me and nor, would I suspect, it have occurred to most people.

OP I don't think this is over for you, and I think you need to do some serious thinking about what behaviour you are prepared to accept.

[Mycatrocks]

Thanks gold , I think i would struggle to impose a rota or cab share if they don't want to do it. Especially as it is not illegal to drive after a drink (would be easier for me at the moment if it were!).

I know all of those suggestions are sensible. I know the reason DH is ignoring them is that he clearly has an issue either with drink and / or with acting like a responsible adult. I also agree that his friends are part of the problem. TBH they are all idiots and fuel each others' crapness.

On Wednesday night I just wanted to stop DH being a danger to himself and others that night. Fortunately that worked (with your encouragement so thank you again).

I think the bigger questions of what happens long term and whether I stay with him are things I will have to work out soon but not immediately. And the question of staying with him does hinge on his behaviour re driving drunk over the next few weeks. Although I am still in shock that he has been doing it for so long while I've been with him - not sure I can get over that.

If I think he's going to do it again, I will report him again. If the breathalyser thing works - and i think it will work by shocking him into realising how little it takes to put you over the limit - then that's great. If, after trying it out at home, he still thinks it's a game of beat the breathalyser rather than being responsible then that's going to be more difficult.

I guess what I am saying is that I know the situation sucks and that he has behaved like a tosser. However, I can't solve all the problems that have contributed to that immediately and really much of that is going to be up to him.

What all your posts have done is to make me absolutely sure I will report him again if I think he's going to go near the wheel after too much to drink.

The easiest thing for me to do would be to organise the cab share and pay for it myself. But this doesn't feel right - i feel he needs to take responsibility for his own actions and, if he wants to go out, he needs to work out how to do it safely. FFS I feel like I am talking about a toddler who needs to learn about responsibility and consequences

[LaCiccolina]

Wow, quite an inspirational story op tbh if sad. Well done you.

Only thing I would add is does he realise he needs to retake it in the morning as well to be sure not over limit again? He's as likely to be nicked then as the night previous. All same implications.

Good luck going forwards. Be strong....

[RandallPinkFloyd]

You're absolutely right mycat, he's not your responsibility. You did the right thing, you know you will do the right thing next time. That's all you can, and should do.

He has to take responsibility for himself, you can't do it for him.

You're a strong woman and it looks like you'll need to be unfortunately. Just be sure that MN will be here for you whenever you need it

[Mycatrocks]

Thank you randall

And LaCiccolina I don't think he has thought of that. I will mention it to him... Thanks