To report DH for drink driving?

[Mycatrocks]

Every week or so, DH goes out with his mates. He drives there. He gets drunk. He drives home.

It sickens me. I have tried talking to him about it but he's just not interested.

He's out tonight, I know where he is, I know he will be drinking. I am at my wits' end.

Should I report him? Would the police be interested? I don't know when he will be driving home so I can't give them an exact time.

Or AIBU? I have tried talking to him about it and that hasn't worked - I feel if I don't report him, I am enabling his criminal and potential deadly behaviour.

WWYD?

Thank you for reading.

[HopAndSkip]

I would take the car keys and hide them before he's planning to go out drinking personally, and give him a taxi number.
If he does drive, definitely report him, he could kill himself or someone else.

[Pickles101]

Personally I would ask for this thread to be deleted and create a new, discreet one to add updates to.

I think the details in this thread are of fairly out-able material and the fact that your DH doesn't know it was you who reported him could come back to haunt you (& probably in the not-so-foreseeable future).

Paranoid, me?

[Sausagedog27]

I don't think you are reading to much into it. Sadly it does sound as if he does have a problem, and no amount of bargaining, threats or tears will help him see- he will always find a way to justify it.

I speak as a daughter with an alcoholic dad. Best of luck op.

[Goldmandra]

No you aren't but he has to work it out for himself.

What you've done so far has kicked off some reflection and you're doing a good job by continuing to challenge him when the subject comes up.

You could go further and express the view that he shouldn't be getting behind the wheel if he's allowed any to pass his lips and put lots of pressure on him to do it your way but you would run the risk of putting him on the defensive. If he then digs his heels in the progress will go out of the window.

Keep doing what you're doing OP.

[AnyFucker]

No, you are not reading too much into it

Someone so invested in finding a way to drink at all costs has a serious problem

He may not be an alkie living in a cardboard box, but the same thought processes are at play here

[RandallPinkFloyd]

No, I don't think you're reading too much into it sadly.

[Mycatrocks]

Compo and Kim speaking just from a personal perspective, I think the fact that there is a legal limit is misleading. I would never have anything to drink if I am going to drive. I wouldn't have anything to drink if I needed to work, look after DC etc as I know it slows me down, albeit just a little. The idea of driving and not having my reactions as sharp as possible is frightening to me.

I am frustrated because DH uses the legal limit argument to justify drinking before driving, like it's a moral get out clause.

Huge argument this morning about it all ... No idea what's going to happen but I am being as strident as I can be. He's basically running out of arguments justifying himself so I hope it won't be long before he actually bloody gets it.

There was a crazy moment yesterday when he was having a go at people who were driving in the snow - irresponsible, likely to cause accidents etc - I pointed out the irony and he went very quiet. Not sure if he was avoiding the issue or actually taking it in.

I have told him if he loses his license, I will pay for DC and household bills (so DC and I don't suffer) but that's it.

It's very odd that this man who is usually very responsible and considerate can be such a brainless wanker about this one issue. Surely a sign of having some form of addiction problem? Or am I reading too much into it?

[ComposHat]

kim I would support lowering the limit and I agree that legal doesn't mean safe far from it. The current limit supports the notion you can 'have a few drinks and you'll be okay' which I think is pretty dangerous and a lower limit would support the idea that driving and alcohol don't mix at all.

I don't like the idea that the Police being able to carry out random stops, it is not a power the Police have used fairly or proportionately in the past.

[Sallyingforth]

I wouldn't want my DP to be regularly coming home drunk, whatever form of transport he used. It's just not the sort of behaviour I could live with.

[JustFabulous]

"I don't know whether to be supportive of this as at least he is doing something....."

Being supportive of his ridiculous idea to use a breathalyser and then more than probably drive just means you are agreeable to him having alcoholic drinks and then getting into a car and driving.

"At least I have a bit of time to think about things now though as there's not going to be another potential drink drive for two weeks..."

What do your .... mean? And don't you think you need to have the conversation now rather than ten minutes before he is due to go out again?

You are right, you are not responsible for him but with what you have said if you didn't call again and he did hurt or kill someone when driving while under the influence you would feel bad as you seem like a decent person.

[Mycatrocks]

Thank you randall

And LaCiccolina I don't think he has thought of that. I will mention it to him... Thanks

[RandallPinkFloyd]

You're absolutely right mycat, he's not your responsibility. You did the right thing, you know you will do the right thing next time. That's all you can, and should do.

He has to take responsibility for himself, you can't do it for him.

You're a strong woman and it looks like you'll need to be unfortunately. Just be sure that MN will be here for you whenever you need it

[LaCiccolina]

Wow, quite an inspirational story op tbh if sad. Well done you.

Only thing I would add is does he realise he needs to retake it in the morning as well to be sure not over limit again? He's as likely to be nicked then as the night previous. All same implications.

Good luck going forwards. Be strong....

[Mycatrocks]

Thanks gold , I think i would struggle to impose a rota or cab share if they don't want to do it. Especially as it is not illegal to drive after a drink (would be easier for me at the moment if it were!).

I know all of those suggestions are sensible. I know the reason DH is ignoring them is that he clearly has an issue either with drink and / or with acting like a responsible adult. I also agree that his friends are part of the problem. TBH they are all idiots and fuel each others' crapness.

On Wednesday night I just wanted to stop DH being a danger to himself and others that night. Fortunately that worked (with your encouragement so thank you again).

I think the bigger questions of what happens long term and whether I stay with him are things I will have to work out soon but not immediately. And the question of staying with him does hinge on his behaviour re driving drunk over the next few weeks. Although I am still in shock that he has been doing it for so long while I've been with him - not sure I can get over that.

If I think he's going to do it again, I will report him again. If the breathalyser thing works - and i think it will work by shocking him into realising how little it takes to put you over the limit - then that's great. If, after trying it out at home, he still thinks it's a game of beat the breathalyser rather than being responsible then that's going to be more difficult.

I guess what I am saying is that I know the situation sucks and that he has behaved like a tosser. However, I can't solve all the problems that have contributed to that immediately and really much of that is going to be up to him.

What all your posts have done is to make me absolutely sure I will report him again if I think he's going to go near the wheel after too much to drink.

The easiest thing for me to do would be to organise the cab share and pay for it myself. But this doesn't feel right - i feel he needs to take responsibility for his own actions and, if he wants to go out, he needs to work out how to do it safely. FFS I feel like I am talking about a toddler who needs to learn about responsibility and consequences

[Casserole]

I would be horrified that, after such a near miss with the police, his response is not to be shocked into not drink driving anymore but rather to try and find a way to get away with as much as he can. Honestly, the thought of buying a breathlyser would not ever have occured to me and nor, would I suspect, it have occurred to most people.

OP I don't think this is over for you, and I think you need to do some serious thinking about what behaviour you are prepared to accept.

[Goldmandra]

The OP can't control her DH to the point where she has them organising a driving rota. This is probably just as much to do with the culture of the group he drinks with as his own personal views.

He is taking a step which should highlight to him how many times he has got behind the wheel while over the limit. He clearly doesn't think drinking affects his ability to drive so the next best thing is him limiting it to the point where he is unlikely to get caught.

That's a big improvement.

Yes he could still have an accident and be found to be over the limit and yes he could still injure someone, even when he is under the limit but the OP's actions have significantly reduced the danger to everyone.

[StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes]

what would worry me is that even if he accepts drinking and driving is not on would he then get a lift with friend who may also drink drive? could they not arrange a lift system on a rota where one doesn't drink, or willing family / wives / partners do the lifts. Better still book a regular taxi.

[RandallPinkFloyd]

Sadly I agree with AF.

He's trying anything he can not to have to stop drinking.

Is there a reason why he won't just get a cab or the train/bus?

[AnyFucker]

Your husband has a problem with alcohol as he is still trying to find a way to drink and drive

[Bogeyface]

Why wont he gets cabs?

[fluffyraggies]

Perhaps suggest to him that he does a few experiments at home with the thing for a while when it comes.

Hopefully it will indeed prove that trying to juggle food/alcohol/body weight/hydration is very unpredictable and therefore pretty much un-doable.

Really i would anticipate (and hope) that he'll find that drinking anything over a pint of beer is going to be sailing too close to the wind on many occasions, and therefore, really, what is the point of all this for one pint?

[Mycatrocks]

I know it's not ideal. I would much rather he didn't drink at all when he's planning to drive.

I don't know whether to be supportive of this as at least he is doing something, intends to stay below the legal limit and will probably end up not drinking because he'll realise how little he can have... Or whether I should do more to stop him drinking at all. And if I want to do more, I don't know what I can do other than leave him, which is no guarantee he is going to stop drinking ... And tbh may well happen anyway.

At least I have a bit of time to think about things now though as there's not going to be another potential drink drive for two weeks...

[MrsMelons]

I am shocked that his answer to it is to buy a breathaliser TBH. I know drink problems have been mentioned earlier in the thread - I would be seriously concerned that this may be an issue!

OP - you are really brave to have done this, it must be very difficult as he is still your husband but you know you have done the right thing after hearing everyones stories.

I lost a friend in my early 20's as he crashed whilst drink driving, luckily he was on his own and didn't hurt anyone else but it was of course devastating to his friends and family. It was horrific and it took the police half hour to find him as he had been thrown so far from the car as was also not wearing a seat belt.

[MrsMelons]

I have been told that the breathalisers are not necessarily that accurate and also if your DH had checked he was ok but was then stopped by the police and their test said he was over the limit it is irrelevant what the test he originally did said.

You really cannot drink very much to stay within the limit and there are no clear guidelines of exactly how much anyway!