To want DH to get a grip and seriously shed the weight?

[ali23]

Ok. Here goes. DH is Type 1 diabetic and has been for a decade. When he was diagnosed he was 'chunky' but very fit: football two or three times a week, walked plenty, played badminton and swam. He was a 34 inch waist. He contracted a viral infection and subsequently was diagnosed with diabetes in his late 20s. He has always been relatively fit but had to be on top of his weight - he has a big frame. Upon diagnosis of diabetes he did no exercise for a year as his blood sugars were just too erratic.
Slowly he took up exercise sporadically only to drift in and out of it. In the process the pounds began to pile on. For a long time we worked at it together - healthy eating, walks, etc. However, there are now 3 DC and DH has slowly over a number of years become obese.
I am in despair about this. He cannot walk because his back and calf gets too sore. He won't swim (alone or with kids) as he is too self-conscious. He refuses Weight watchers or any other slimming class, insisting that he can do this himself. He refuses any kind of professional help.
He needs to get rid of abut 6 stone. I am fully committed to helping him achieve this but I am so so frustrated. He will not exercise and can barely make it to the park with us. He is also continuing to eat crap but tells me he isn't. It is the continual procrastination that worries me/depresses me and now makes me so angry.
I appreciate it isn't easy but now, in his early 40s, he needs to seriously wise up and realise that as a family we need him to be fit and healthy.
Two years ago he lost 2 stone following a low carb diet but has since put it all back on.
We had a blazing row about it last night and I don't know where else to turn. I can't talk to friends about it as I would feel incredibly disloyal to DH. But what can I do? How can I get him off the couch?

ali23 -
I work in the NHS as a Podiatrist/Chiropodist and so 80% of my patients are diabetic.
Your DH is still young (in his 40s) but believe me, he's not helping himself with the blood sugars being erratic. The weight excess.
He refuses any type of professional help .The help is out there.
He really needs to ask.
He needs to see a dietician if he hasn't already.
He needs his GP or Consultant to really just give it to him straight.
(I find diabetic patients tend to fall into "Ostriches" and "Rottweillers" ie. They ignore and hide away (your DH) or they are all out involoved.

His heart
His blood pressure
His kidneys
His cholesterol
His circulation
His feet (my line of work) will be under so much strain

Ask your GP-(if he's suitable) there's an injection which is a supplementary to insulin (if he's Type 1) . It helps to increase the efficiency and reduce the spiral of more weight> more insulin>poor, erratic blood sugars.
I can't remember the name offhand and I don't want to give you the wrong info .
There are side effects (of course) nausea is the main one.

He's probably depressed I agree.
But you have to push him in the right direction. It doesn't sound like he's going to do it himself.
He'll think you're getting at him. But it's for his good.
He's got a huge task.
Don't let him waste another 10 years of his life.

Let us know what the outcome of your GP appointment is.

Do you have a GPwSI (GP with Special Interest) in diabetes? at your surgery?

knitknack - is is bad if you go low-carb as a means to lose weight - i.e. completely cut out a food group from your diet - and then re-introduce it and put all the weight back on again when you've achieved your goal.

Besides, carbs in and of themselves are not bad. Yes, a lot of people would benefit from eating less of certain types of them -but, as part of an overall, improved, long-term eating plan.

This is just common sense, isn't it?

I don't disagree about sugar.

Yanbu.

Has your dh had significant problems with hypoglycaemia? He sounds anxious about it, could this fear be compounding his eating.

"I completely disagree about low carb diets being 'bad'. Low carb/no sugar is exactly how we SHOULD eat - google 'primal diet diabetes' if you need inspiration. Sugar is evil."

This is faddy nonsense.

I mean - "sugar is evil". Wtf. You do realise that vegetables are mostly sugar too, right? All carbohydrates are made up of glucose, fructose and galactose monomers. Glucose in particular is essential for most metabolic processes.

It is NOT faddy, it is scientifically proven - was even the subject of a BBC doc recently. I said "sugar" is evil, not "complex natural carbs such as vegetables" are evil...

You might not like it, neither do I, and that's because we're all reliant on sugar (the white, granular stuff made from beets or canes for those who don't understand) or high fructose syrup. But the fact is that they trigger a massive insulin reaction each and every time we eat them and THAT makes our bodies lay down fat AND it sends our blood sugar sky high.

Give up sugar, give up SIMPLE carbs such as anything 'white' (flour, rice) and watch your blood sugar stay steady and excess weight fall off. We shouldn't be eating sugar, it's as simple as that.

Do the research, read the peer reviewed studies, and stop comforting yourself by calling it 'faddy'.

"It is NOT faddy, it is scientifically proven - was even the subject of a BBC doc recently. "

oh well, if it was on the telly...

I'm not comforting myself, I'm happy with what I eat. But saying something like "sugar is evil" is over-simplifying the picture to the point of nonsense. All carbs are made of sugar. All the cells in our body use glucose (the very simplest sugar) for respiration. It stands to reason that it's a good idea to limit refined carbs to avoid the glucose spikes you're talking about, but we've all known that for ages anyway.

Marking place and watching with interest. I could have written the OP's post myself. My DP is older (late 50s), an ex-squaddie, used to run 5 miles a day before breakfast, never ill, always in the top 3 for his BFT, in later army years he was in the top 3 for the age group beneath him. He now has insulin-controlled Type 2 diabetes, high cholesterol (despite low cholesterol diet), leg ulcers, cellulitis, plantar fasciitis, peripheral neuropathy and a bad back caused by not being able to walk properly for the pain in his feet and legs. His last diabetic eyetest found a precursor to retinopathy. He needs to lose about 7 stone.

Our difference is we have both been doing weight watchers for over a year. I have lost nearly 3 stone (am now 3.5lb away from gold) while DP has put on almost a stone in that time.

Yes, fear sometimes comes out as anger, and sometimes it has to when you are watching the person you love most in the world slowly killing themselves, and they know they are doing it, and they know what they should be doing but choose not to because it's easier to succeed at failing than to feel they are failing at succeeding.

Thing is OP I can imagine this discussion in reverse.
My wife was slim and beautiful. Fast forward 20 years and she's let herself go, obese, unfit, ugly and repulsive. I keep telling her to lose the flab and a grip of herself but she just won't listen.

Doesn't feel good does it?

YANBU for wanting him to look after himself, though it has to come from him. Food is addictive and habits can be destructive. I wouldn't like being nagged over it.

I think the OPs DH needs to follow a diet approved by his GP/Diabetic nurse, rather than following some 'paleolithic' diet, or whatever the latest BBC documentary says is best, as suggested by someone on the internet

OP, I think you have had a bit of a hard time on here, it is obvious that you care for your DH and you are worried about him. However, he cannot lose the weight until he wants to, and at the moment that doesnt seem to be the case, which is why are are getting so frustrated with him.

Yes, its shit being overweight and I am sure he feels bad about himself blah blah blah. But actually, sometimes you just have to stop feeling sorry for yourslef and suck it up and do what you have to do for your family, especially when your family are practically begging you to do it. In his case, this is getting a grip and losing the weight.

So in answer to the thread title: YANBU!

hanikam It's not about looks. It's about the effect of excess weight on the health of people with diabetes. Ten years ago, my DP only had slightly elevated blood sugar. It was controlled very successfully for two years through diet alone. But diabetes is a progressive disease and after two years the tablets had to start, which is when the weight started to go on. Gradually, over the next eight years, more and more weight resulted in more and more tablets, then eventually insulin, and the more weight that went on, the more ancillary issues came up. See my previous post, just before yours, for the full list of what he now suffers from, all due primarily to the excess weight exacerbating his diabetes. The OP, like me, just wants her husband to be alive and with her, well, healthy and participating in family life.

I was in the OP's position eight years ago, but despite having read all of the leaflets and webpages, it's easy to think it'll happen to someone else, not my DP. I don't want for the OP to come back on here in ten years time with her DH suffering from everything mine now suffers from.

Yanbu my exfil was diagnosed with diabetes in his 40s he continued eating crap and putting weight on. In his late 40s he needed a minor op but due to the diabetes didn't heal well.

4 years on he needed the op again and still isn't healing properly. He's only in his early 50s and noone knows if he will heal and be able to live a normal life again.

Ali - I had the same situation - DH not losing any weight.

A friend at work started the Dukan diet - I saw that it had lots of foods that DH actually enjoyed eating and whilst fairly drastic and a major change, it might encourage him to stick to it. I mentioned it to him and left it at that (he's the sort of person that if you go on about it he doesn't do it on principal). He bought the book (kindle) and read a bit and started 10 or 14 days later.

He's lost something like 8 stone so far.

For him its good because if he's hungry he can eat something, as long as its on the list for that day.

It is cutting out the carbs, but its also low fat.

I don't know whether it would fit with the diabetes, but if he also likes the same sort of foods as my DH, it might be worth finding out whether you can do it as a diabetic?

If I asked 'aibu re my husband smoking - he is having chemo for cancer'

The answers would be different.

Diabetes is a killer, same as cancer. Losing weight to a diabetes sufferer can be like chemo to a cancer sufferer.

So, why is it unreasonable for the op to want her husband fit and healthy?

Because she might hurt his feelings? All this tip toeing around fat issues gets on my wick.

My wife was slim and beautiful. Fast forward 20 years and she's let herself go, obese, unfit, ugly and repulsive. I keep telling her to lose the flab and a grip of herself but she just won't listen.

The op said nothing of the sort! Did you even read it? Where does she call him ugly and repulsive? Perhaps i missed it?

Does it really take much to see that this is about his health? You don't even need to know much about diabetes, just read the op instead of having a knee jerk reaction and making the words up in your head!

It's a health issue not an aesthetic issue. Checking out of fam

Posted too soon

Checking out of family life, refusing meals and buying takeaways is disrespectful.

YANBU
If the genders were reversed I'd say the same. It is serious - not just a case that he doesn't look so good in his speedos anymore!

@housewife exactly.

Plenty of people are deeply unsympathetic about stopping smoking (ie "surely its as simple as not putting a cigarette in your mouth and not smoking it) but people would never dream of saying the same about over-eating and its impact on health.

@knickknack high fructose syrup is hardly in any products in Europe. It is a v big problem in the US, but the dominance of the product has not even begun to happen here.

Of course he should lose weight. Of course the OP is desperately worried and angry. Of course her DH is checking out of family life. It's an awful situation.

But the suggestions that he just needs to get a grip aren't going to solve anything. Telling someone with serious food issues to stop eating/eat differently is as helpful as telling someone with anorexia to eat up. He needs a huge amount of help.

OP, I lived with a similar situation for years. I really hope your dh decides to ask for the help he needs and that you get the support you need too.

I just wanted to say that while I don't really know anything about diabetes, my DH's Uncle was diagnosed with the mildest form in his early 30's, the type that can be controlled by diet. He didn't listen to advice and it progressed. I met him 8 years ago and he was very overweight, had to inject himself with insulin and had a long list of health problems, mainly caused by the weight and not controlling his illness properly.
By 2 years ago he struggled to walk short distances or climb stairs and he carried on eating crap and not excercising. His health got worse and worse. He died aged 53, the first out of his 5 siblings who were all older than him. It was awful, he was a lovely bloke and even worse knowing that had he done things differently he would be fine.
I would get your DH to see his gp and see if he can talk some sense in to him.

No one thinks it's easy but choosing to do nothing is not fair on his children or OP

I agree completely. I just find the 'get a grip' attitude unhelpful. In the end only the OP's DH can decide to change his life, but in the meantime it's horrendous to watch someone eat themselves to death. The OP is right to be furious and desperate. I just hope that if her DH decides to do something that he gets proper help.

I think telling him to get a grip is completely understandable.

very few other behaviours would get this much sympathy on MN>