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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to try find my Mum's biological father?

17 replies

ConfusedPixie · 15/01/2013 23:11

She's not interested in him at all. I think she'd be upset with me if I ever told her I was interested in knowing more about him. I only found out about him when I as 20 and needed a passport, so she gave me her adoption certificate which labelled my Granddad as her adopted father (my Nan is her biological mother though). Mum likes springing information on people randomly Hmm

All I know about him is that he left after Mum's sister was born, Mum was a toddler. I would just like to know who he is really, not interested in a big relationship with him. I would also like health information as my other three biological grandparents have all had problems (Dad's parents both died before I was born and Dad doesn't really talk about them, or want too).

I do realise it'll probably be disappointing, last year my long lost aunt and her two children got in touch and it wasn't what I'd expected at all so I have no hopes for this guy whatsoever!

WIBU to try find him even though it'd probably piss off my Mum and Nan? Would I even be able to find him? I have a surname and the names of his two daughters with my Nan, and my Mum and Nan's birthday's.
I wouldn't dream of telling this guy anything about where my family live, or my full name or use my normal email address, etc. Mum's privacy would be dealt with carefully.

May not reply until tomorrow! Going to bed soon! TIA

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 15/01/2013 23:19

No you absolutely shouldnt if it is going to upset your mother and your grandmother.

It is your mothers business, not yours.

I was adopted, and if someone had taken it upon themselves to go searching for my birth parents, knowing I would not have wanted it, I would be livid.

SquinkiesRule · 15/01/2013 23:32

It's your Mums story to tell, or not, and not yours to nose about in. If she wants to know and wants you to do the looking then that would be OK.

JustAnotherSod · 16/01/2013 00:26

YWBVU to take it upon yourself to search for him - someone in my family did this with an 'open family secret' adoption and it blew the family apart. The raw and bitter emotions from all sides have never been forgiven and it looms large over all family gatherings now. Please, for all of your sakes, leave well alone, the ONLY person who should choose to make such a search is the person directly involved.

ripsishere · 16/01/2013 00:31

YABU. I can understand the medical info stuff, the rest? it really isn't your place or business.

EchoBitch · 16/01/2013 00:57

No,not your business,if your Mum wanted to know then that would be up to her but not you.
I'm adopted too and would be pretty upset if DC did this,especially without me knowing.
I don't want to go looking and you should respect that.

EchoBitch · 16/01/2013 01:07

And a secret isn't yours after it's out of the bag,what's to stop him and his other DC coming to look for your family if they know you are looking,they might well think your Mum and your Nan want to know.

Leave well alone,it does sound like you are being nosy and don't need to know for any medical reason.

MontagueCapulet · 16/01/2013 01:16

If you aren't interested in having a relationship with him then I really don't see the point to be honest. Why risk it?

I mum never saw her dad and as a result I never met my grandad. I always thought it was unfair of her but when I was older I learnt things about him that made me realise that he probably couldn't care less about seeing and knowing me.

I would leave it well alone.

InLoveWithDavidTennant · 16/01/2013 01:34

no i wouldnt advise it if she doesnt want to know

if you want something to do though, you could find mine Grin

dont even know where to begin. may start a thread about it one day actually lol im sure someone will know what to do

Original poster
ConfusedPixie · 16/01/2013 07:35

On phone so can't reply individually. Didn't expect unanimous bu! But thanks for the response :)

Re being nosy, yeah, I suppose I am a bit nosy to know who he is, but the health issues is something that bothers me more. having health problems myself and with them being them in my known family I think I will come to a point where I have to decide whether to have children biologically or not, I'm hoping that bt this point I would have been able to get some information out of my dad about his parents!

OP posts:
Flobbadobs · 16/01/2013 09:27

YABU but I can certainly see that its a tough one. Leaving aside the health issues for a minute who know what or who you may stir up if you keep digging for information?
We have certain things about our family that we can't go into until certain family members have passed on as it would cause to much trouble and heartbreak, and thats just because of the parts of the story we know about IYSWIM?
The health issue would be more pressing, is there anyone else you could talk to on that side of the family who wouldn't stir up a potential shitstorm?

Crawling · 16/01/2013 09:32

I don't think yabu he is your grandma and I think you have a right to get to know your grandma if you want to.

Crawling · 16/01/2013 09:32

Sorry grandma should be grandad stupid phone.

wigglesrock · 16/01/2013 09:35

Absolutely not, this is your Mums decision not yours. Besides to be honest the chances of your biological grandfather knowing that much about his own parents health aren't huge.

Original poster
ConfusedPixie · 16/01/2013 14:18

Flobba: We have a lot of that in my family, secrets which are big pieces of the puzzle into how various family members are treated (like this actually) which the next generation isn't deemed okay to know. The problem we have there is that I have an alcoholic aunt who will rarely come out with tidbits of information which make no sense and we're expected to sweep it under the carpet not understanding what it meant, and some of it includes very serious things.

I'll leave it based on the reaction I got here. I didn't realise people would feel so strongly about it! I'm not having kids for a few years yet anyway so no need to know now, just had a conversation that got me thinking about it a few weeks ago!

OP posts:
millie30 · 16/01/2013 14:27

YANBU to be curious, but would be unreasonable to act on it I think. Also, this is a man who walked out on his wife and young children, you don't know the circumstances or his nature, who knows what can of worms you could be opening? There is no guarantee that someone who abandoned his family is going to welcome you with open arms and divulge his personal medical history anyway. I think you need to respect your Mum and Nan's judgement on this one- they knew him and clearly have their reasons for not wanting to track him down.

Charmingbaker · 16/01/2013 14:30

I haven't seen my biological father since I was a toddler ( and have no desire to find him). I would be incredibly upset if my own children tried to track him down. Don't do it. I have 2 children with medical issues and doctors only ever ask back to their grandparents, so that wouldn't affect your children. Also not knowing my fathers medical history has never caused any problems for me or my children.

penguinplease · 16/01/2013 14:42

don't do it.
I have nothing to do with my father. I would be more than devastated if any of my children try to find him/make themselves known to him when they are older. He does not and if I have anything to do with will never know that they even exist.

It is not your place to initiate this contact and will only cause upset. My heart is racing just thinking about potentially going through this when my dcs are older.

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