AIBU or is MIl. I never wanted to turn into one of those awful DILs and I think I might be.

[honeytea]

I have posted about my mil before but things have come to a head in the last few days.

The background info is that I have always got on well with MIL (or so I thought) I have encouraged my useless dp to spend time with his parents and I have been the one to buy MIL gifts/cards on birthdays and mothersdays, she probably doesn't realise this.

I'm not sure if it is relavant but I am British and DP and MIl are Swedish, we live in Sweden. There are quite a few cultural differences between the 2 countries.

When I became pregnant last year and I started talking about having a child our differences became more apparent. Things like me drinking one small glass of wine whilst pregnant/breastfeeding shocked her to the point she called "mother's who do that kind of thing" disgusting. I understand that people have personal opinions on alcohol and BF/pregnancy but I think it would have been nice for her to be a little more diplomatic keep her opinions to herself She also said she would be deeply ashamed if we used reins. She said if we didn't use a dummy and I breastfed DS he would become so fat he wouldn't be able to learn to walk as he would use my boob as a dummy. She also said cloth nappies would rot away DS's bum as he would have red hair.

I took the attitude that smiling and nodding and ignoring would be the best thing to do.

DS was born just before christmas We had lots and lots of visitors, MIL and FIL live a 10 hour drive away and they came down to visit (staying with SIL thank god) my mum stepdad sister and brother came to stay too. I really stuggled emotionally the 1st 2 weeks of DS's life, I felt very overwhelmed by the love I felt for him and I was sure he was going to die/get seriously hurt.

My MIL came to visit one day when DS was about 4 days old, I had been up all night feeding and sobbing into his little soft head when they arived I was sleeping, it wasn't the 1st time they came to visit us and we had had visitors all morning- DP came and woke me up when DS needed feeding, I came and sat in the living room and didn't say much I am not great when I have just woken up and they were speaking Swedish which I can speak but it is hard work and I have to concentrate so I sat quietly feeding the baby.

MIL thought that I had an attitude and FIL phoned my DP later to tell him MIL was angry with me. It upset me but I just tried to ignore it and move on.

MIL also was very upset by the way I wind the baby -(sitting on my knee supporting his chest and rubbing his back) I thought this is just how you wind babies, it is how the babies in my family are winded anyway.

I was very very worried about the risk of sids, a friend of mine lost her son to sids last year :( I wanted to do everything I could to keep DS safe. My dp asked his DM and sisters to wash their hands after smoking and wait 30 mins before holding DS, I can see that this is very PFB but it made me feel better. MIL was furious she still is. I also asked my DM to do the same and I accused DM of bring fleas into my home (it was actually post birth hives )

MIL is still furious and hurt about the smoking request she is angry that i ignored her advice on burping (the reason i don't like to burp him on my shoulder is because he is a big puker and it is best to try and catch the puke when burping him)

she has 3 daughters and 10 grandchildren from them, she was like a 2nd mum to those kids. She talked about wanting my DS to sleep in her bed with her and FIL when we go and visit (which was supposed to be next month when he is 8 weeks) I hadn't actually said no your not having my baby sleep in bed with you I just hadn't mentioned it. They are looking at houses near us so they can see DS all the time which would be lovely. I think she sees DS as one of her babies, she said to me how nice it was for her to have another baby, I said that she became a great aunt 3 times last year and she said yes but DS is her baby because he is her grandson. I don't mind her saying he is hers, ds is very lucky to have so many people who adore him but what bothers me is when she disaproves of me and my parenting style. Everything I do she comments negatively on, if DS is in a babygrow she comes in and says he is cold if he has a hat on she says he is hot, if I put him down so he wakes up to feed him (in the very early days of bf when he was super sleepy due to jandice) I am cruel. I feel like I have hidden my irritation well I have not challenged her I have just ignored the advice. My ignoring has made her very angry. I don't think she has ever had a women with different parenting ideas to her in her life.

we are supposed to go and stay with them next month, it will cost lots of money and it will be a very long drive. I don't want to go, they live just below the arctic circle so it will be very very cold and dark most of the time, I will be sat in their house with MIL criticising my parenting choices for days on end.

I understand I probably still have some crazy post birth hormones and I would like to be told IABU if I am. Also how can I move forward? for the sake of DS and DP I want to have as nice a relationship with MIL as possible.

Sorry about the essay!

Apart from the fact it crosses all sorts of boundaries demanding your 8 week old DGC sleeps with you in your bed, doesn't smoking increasing the risk of cot death?

Your DP needs to man up and tell his mother to wind her fucking neck in. He's having a go at you because you're the reasonable one, the "path of least resistance" when avoiding arguments. That's not sustainable and will just breed resentment.

Glad you aren't going. Make sure your DP doesn't agree to you going by yourself if he says he can't get the time off and MIL suggests that instead - would be even worse! DP needs to stand up his mother - the winding approach for example. YANBU - remember this if you doubt yourself.

Tell your dp that you will not alter your behaviour for his mum and the quicker both of them realise that the better.

FWIW my ds would only wind in the position you describe. we have some adorable pictures of him looking like a little bear in that position! My dd winded better over the shoulder. Keep doing what suits your baby best!!

It really is not you. She is a nightmare. I thought my ex mil was controlling and interfering but this takes the biscuit. I would not go and visit them. It sounds as if it will be unbearable. Your DP needs to step in. Certainly with my ex mil nothing improved until I finally snapped and told her exactly what I thought. It was very hard but it worked. In short your MIL is a domineering bully and people like that don't respond to softly, softly approaches.

Op we had a reflux baby who vomited a lot and the way you described winding was actually the way we were recommended by a registrar to wind him. So stick to your guns if it's what you are comfortable with.

Hi HoneyTea. I'm in a similar situation, though my Swedish MIL isn't anywhere as extreme!

Glad you decided not to go. I made DH postpone our trip to MIL's when DS was tiny, and it was definitely the right decision! We went later, when all factors made for a better trip. MIL was disappointed, but NMP.

I get the criticism (overt or passive) about parenting techniques not common in Sweden. Yes, my DS sleeps in a sleep bag. No it's not bad for him! Pm me if you need to moan, we can swap stories!

Re alcohol, quote this at her, copied directly from Livsmedelsverkets website:

Enligt nuvarande forskning innebär det ... inga medicinska risker för barnet om du dricker måttliga mängder alkohol när du ammar, det vill säga 1-2 glas vin eller motsvarande 1-2 gånger i veckan. Den mängd alkohol som barnet kan få i sig med bröstmjölken är mycket liten.

Hang in there. As numerous threads here om Mumsnet are repeating at the moment, MILs need to back off and let the child's mother be the parent!

She sounds like a loon. The boundaries need to be firmly set and your DH needs to start supporting you.

Apart from any of the other smoking/sleeping nonsense, I winded all 3 of my DCs when they were sitting up. It always worked with them. Oh and they were all breastfed, didn't have dummies & all walked before 10 months. She is talking mince.

Tell you DH to grow a pair.

Your post has made me seriously cross on your behalf OP. What a dreadful, dreadful woman. Please put some polite boundries in now before you have any more children and before she comes between you and your DH.

'They are looking at houses near us so they can see DS all the time which would be lovely' - be honest with yourself. No. It wouldn't be. It would be hell on earth. You would be crazy to let them. You have the control here OP, use it before it is too late.

'tell your DH'

Thanks for the Swedish info on alcohol mrsmeeple, I am going to show that to my dp when he is home from work. His argument about me not drinking when we are around his family is that they may well call social services and the have our baby taken away.

I think we need to talk to mil (well dp needs to talk to her) and tell her that she must never contradict us when it comes to our ds. We went to stay with mil/fil with my little sister (she is 7) my d-sis was repeatedly jumping over a rug in mil's kitchen (she was playing horse jumping) I told d-sis to stop doing it as she was jumping close to mil's lovely posh glasses and there was a high chance she would slip and break the glasses and hurt herself. Mil said to my d-sis don't worry you don't need to stop and then said to me vhildren will be children which is a swedish saying that can basically let kids do what they want. Also I have seen her grandson hit his mother (the child was 8 at the time) the mother told the child off and told him to go away, the child was upset at being told to go away and ashamed I guess. MIL went and got some sweets and gave them to her grandson and sat him on her knee (next to the child's mother) and cuddled him because he was crying, she didn't make the child say sorry to the mother for hitting her. If these things happened with DS I am not sure I could cope, I think we would just have to go home so it is probably best to warn her not to contradict us.

It sounds as if your husband might agree with his mum about the drinking.

If so then he should say so imo.

Wanting to appease her when he should be telling her to keep her beak out.

She parented how she wanted & now you two are doing the same.

As for a smoker wanting a newborn in her bed-oh the irony!

Don´t tell me-she did it with hers & it didn´t harm them

Your DP needs to massively step up. Really. Expecting you to change reasonable (and recommended, re the winding) behaviour to accomodate your MILs unreasonable demands? In preference to him saying to his mother 'Back off, and please don't speak to my wife like that'? Can he not see that that approach is 'feeding the beast'?
I have a difficult (ahem) MIL, and in the early days I was despairing of my DH's reluctance to call her on her bullshit behaviour. But I insisted he do so. Thankfully, he did. Things have improved. She pushes - he pushes straight back. She backs off. It's a work in progress, but things are better.

To be fair on the alcohol front, it is very different in Sweden to the UK. People seem to fall into 2 categories, absolutely paralytic every weekend or obsessively teetotal. There doesn't appear to be any middle ground. And whichever group people fall into, suggesting a pint after work on a Wednesday to your colleagues will be met with the same reaction as suggesting a hit of crack cocaine. They appear unable to grasp the concept of their being a reasonable level of alcohol consumption.

• there not their

YANBU at all and agree with everyone who says DP needs to deal with this.

If it helps, my MIL went insane when DD was born. Best example - she started insisting that DP and I CHANGE OUR NAMES TO HER NAME so that DD could have her surname. Totally hilarious in retrospect but at the time, when she was calling us and screaming and crying down the phone, not so funny. Lots of similar criticism of our methods - phoning me and saying 'That child needs water' and faintly threatening to report me (???) (dd like 2mo at time and EBF.)

She has calmed down now and seems almost normal. Admittedly I now don't trust her as far as I can throw her. But our relationship is easier and she is no longer totally mad.

Something to do about control, I think. I also come from a different country, settled in the UK, she lives about 5 hours drive from us. I think she sees me as the interloper who has taken her son away, and when we had a child he was moving totally out of her control, which made her bats. Also, she bullies her kids and bosses them around, and manipulates them emotionally, and she can't do that with me, and that makes her bats too.

I think you need to keep doing what you're doing, tune her out as far as you can, for God's sake don't go and stay with her - lie if you have to if you think it will cause a dramatic rift - and keep talking to your DP.

Ooh, I also posted in AIBU and got my DP to read responses. These are disinterested responses from people who are pointing out that your MIL's behaviour is distressing, inappropriate etc - and pointing out that he needs to be the person who sorts this out. Helped my DP realise that yes, his mother was acting insanely, and he was not being disloyal by seeing that.

Good luck.

Sorry PandaoaPB but your post made me laugh. As against the UK, which has such a healthy drinking culture??!?

Like anywhere, alcohol consumption depends in large part on your social group. I'm aware that there are a lot of people in Sweden with alcohol issues, and traditions for many celebrations reflect this. But I rarely come across it. The social circles I move in are quite sensible about alcohol. There are people who don't drink, and there's no pressure on them to do so. (Which is SUCH a nice change!). My work colleagues go out for "after work" every so often. It's not a big deal.

I never said there was a healthy drinking culture in the UK. I was saying how it seems to me in Sweden. I've never been to a parents evening in the UK and had a hour long lecture from the alcohol advisory service talking about how alcohol is a gateway drug and how having it in the same house as teenagers will result in them being heroin addicts. Had it at 4 different schools in 4 different kommuns here. But anyway, I didn't post to argue, I posted to point out that this is something which in my experience is very much a cultural difference. Not better, not worse, just different.

As they smoke they actually shouldn't hold the baby at all never mind have him in their bed. What planet are they on ?

OMG you are so NBU. Why don't you tell her to fuck off to the far side of fuck? I find it strange that you are so keen not to upset her, when she so obviously doesn't give a second thought about upsetting you.

I think you know YANBU by now.

Re the burping sitting up thing - I preferred it as DD2 would occasionally choke on a bit of sick-up in the early days and I could supervise her better.

And No co-sleeping with smokers or people on medication. Huge SIDS risk.

You and DH need to pick your own way through child-raising. Then you follow that and support each other with your decisions. There might be some compromise between him and you, but never based on the ILs.

My PIL disapprove of many things I do like breathe but they can't find any weakness in our armour!

what Nutella said.^^

Look here is a load of NOs, feel free to use them, when they run out, there are plenty more,

No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO, no,Nope,
No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO, no,Nope,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO, no,Nope,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO, no,Nope,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO, no,Nope,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO, no,Nope,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO, no,Nope,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO, no,Nope,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO, no,Nope,
No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO, no,Nope,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO, no,Nope, No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO, no,Nope,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO, no,Nope,,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO, no,Nope, No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO, no,Nope,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO, no,Nope, No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO, no,Nope,
No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NONo, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO, no,Nope,
No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO, no,Nope,
No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO, no,Nope,

The thing is with swedish people in my family, you have to never give a millimetre, or you will be overruled for ever. maybe in a few hundred life times time, you will be allowed to choose colour of your toothbrush again, but it will be a one off,

so say,

NO, NO, no,Nope, No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO, no,Nope,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO, no,Nope,,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO, no,Nope, No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO, no,Nope,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO, no,Nope, No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO, no,Nope,
No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NONo, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO, no,Nope,
No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO, no,Nope,
No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO, no,Nope,NO, NO, no,Nope, No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO, no,Nope,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO, no,Nope,,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO, no,Nope, No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO, no,Nope,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO, no,Nope, No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO, no,Nope,
No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NONo, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO, no,Nope,
No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO, no,Nope,
No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO, no,Nope,NO, NO, no,Nope, No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO, no,Nope,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO, no,Nope,,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO, no,Nope, No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO, no,Nope,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO, no,Nope, No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO, no,Nope,
No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NONo, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO, no,Nope,
No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO, no,Nope,
No, NO, NO,No, NO, NO, no,Nope,

I think I love standingintheriver

What she said!

Standingintheriver I find your post a little ambiguous, could you be a bit more direct please?

I love all the nos!

I think my dp can see the logic that one or maybe 2 very low percentage beer (maybe 2-3%) is not going to effect ds. He said he is happy for me to drink 1-2 drinks when we are with my friends (who are not Swedish) he used the term "saving face" when he said I shouldn't drink anything when we are with his family. I feel like filling up an empty vodka bottle with water and taking "shots" out of it all evening next time we visit.

Mil has an issue with the way my mum is about alcohol, my family was at my dp's family Christmas dinner this year, the Swedes drink snaps (very strong big shots) with their Christmas dinner. My mum who is more of the wine/beer with dinner rather than 40% spirits with dinner culture was fairly tipsy, my d-sis who is now 9 years old was telling her mum your so embarrassing and drunk, my mum wasn't falling over or shouting or being rude she was just being a little silly. someone ask my mum if she wanted to hold the baby and my mum said no I have had a couple of snaps I'd better not. Mil thinks that my ds will grow up being embarrassed of my drinking in the same way my d-sis is embarrassed of our mum. My sister is a mini teenager and everything my mum does embarrases d-sis and me drinking a beer or 2 is very different to drinking snaps which I wouldn't do when in charge of a small child.

I read an excellent scientific description of how minute/tiny the amount of alcohol in breastmilk is - it was actual research showing that a very drunk woman would pass on something like 0.2 per cent of the alcohol in her bloodstream into the milk - it's not like a baby in the womb which shares the bloodstream - the milk is a drink made separately by the woman's body when breastfeeding.

I will find it and PM it to you.

I agree with everyone here that you need to speak to this woman - if she is a woman with a good heart under it all then be honest - say 'I am a mum now and I want to do things my way< I understand you may not agree but you are making me feel very unhappy and I need the chance to learn to be a parent without constant criticism'.