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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To let my friends DH and DCs stay at my house

27 replies

Afavor4afriend · 15/01/2013 14:38

I have name changed for this post.

I have had a friend from when I was in secondary school who I have known since then. I shall call her X.
She met her DH whilst in college and married him 2 years later. I have known him since they first started going out and as a result see him as a friend too me and my DH. (He went to DHs stag do and our wedding etc)
X can become very selfish when she doesn't get her own way and can be very opinionated because of this I have sometimes cut contact with her for a few months until she gets over it.

4 months ago X told him she was pregnant with their DC3. It has since turned out that she has been having an affair and it is most likely that the baby is another mans child.
He is gutted and has told her to leave (He will have their DCs) She has refused and thinks that if she stays in their house long enough he will just except that she isn't leaving and deal with it.

X has never tried to get a job and her DH does most of the child care and works whilst the DCs are in school. She has been trashing the house whilst he is at work and she won't do anything for the DCs because she thinks he is being mean to her because he keeps telling her to leave.

Last week he came home to find that she had re painted his office and gotten rid of his stuff for the baby. He packed up and left and he was going to stay in a hotel with the DCs. But Me and my DH said he should stay here (He has no family to stay with)

X found out and she has been telling everyone that we are having an affair and either ringing to say she is sorry or ringing to say that I am a horrible person and that I should take her side cause I have known her longer. She also thinks that I should give her money to say sorry for taking her DH in. She would use the money for her bills so she can stay in the house.

I think what she did was awful and I don't want much to do with her. Her DH and DCs are in bits and all she seems to care about is staying in the house.

Some people think I should be trying to help her rather than her DH because she is my friend also but I don't think I should give her the money.
So AIBU to let her DH stay here?

OP posts:
AlmostAHipster · 15/01/2013 14:41

Hang on. She wants you to give her money? It sounds like your friend is well rid of her!

No, YANBU!

plantsitter · 15/01/2013 14:41

I would see it as making sure her kids have somewhere ok to stay and otherwise keep out of it.

WorraLiberty · 15/01/2013 14:42

YANBU

She sounds like a total twat to put it politely...

Sugarice · 15/01/2013 14:42

Don't give her any money and she sounds vile!

If you and your DH are happy to accommodate them short term then do it, I assume your house is big enough?

pmcblonde · 15/01/2013 14:43

Huh? She sounds insane. And he needs to see a solicitor and sort out the legalities.

MissyMooandherBeaverofSteel · 15/01/2013 14:44

I think you are doing absolutely the right thing, she sounds like a total knob.

hellsbellsmelons · 15/01/2013 14:44

Hell no YANBU.
She sounds truly horrible.
I can't believe he has to leave with the kids.
Does she have NO conscience at all???
Do NOT give her money. Absolutely no way.
Why should you take her side?

You are already putting up her kids and that costs mone - and she wants you to give her handouts.
Tell her to go get herself a job. If she wants a house then she needs to learn that it costs money and you have to work to get money.
Is she still with the guy she had an affair with?

Original poster
Afavor4afriend · 15/01/2013 14:46

Yes our house is big enough we have one spare room for him and I can easily but my youngest back in with me so their would be a spare room for his two.
lantsitter We offered our house because of the DCs really.

OP posts:
ENormaSnob · 15/01/2013 14:46

She is an utter nob.

The dh is well rid imo.

Original poster
Afavor4afriend · 15/01/2013 14:48

Sorry should of said. As soon as she told the man she was having an affair with that she was pregnant he didn't want to be with her anymore as he was only really with her for a bit of fun.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 15/01/2013 16:06

OMG - How is she going to support this child?
I hope she's going to take the guy for what she can as it is his child.
Actually can't quite believe he has just left her in the lerch!
But, you make your bed... and all that!!!

VoiceofUnreason · 15/01/2013 16:10

What a bitch.

YANBU and doing a fabulous thing in helping her DCs and her DH out like that.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 15/01/2013 16:17

You and your DH are helping out your friend and his kids when they need some help. You sound like kind people. His wife doesn't sound much of a friend to you to be honest.

Seabird72 · 15/01/2013 16:18

It doesn't matter how long you've known this woman or her DH - it's the quality of the friendship that counts and she doesn't sound like a very nice person never mind a decent friend - she wants money off you - she's making allegations against you even though she's the one who had an affair, she has allowed her children to become homeless because she won't leave the marital home - it sounds like you have choosen the right person in this situation to support. Cut contact with her, she doesn't deserve you - yoou've said you've had to do this in the past and clearly she still hasn't modified the way she treats you as a friend never mind the terrible thing she has done to her DH by cheating on him and to her childrenn by not taking care of them. It sounds like a truly awful situation for everyone involved.

myflabberisgasted · 15/01/2013 16:21

Afavor4afriend you sound like an amazing friend.

The children are the most important thing in all this and to me it sounds like you are doing the right thing in putting their feelings first - unlike their mother!!

TidyDancer · 15/01/2013 16:25

Gosh how weird is this woman?! YANBU to help your friend (and let's be clear here, this man is more your friend than his ex is!) and what lovely people you are to do so.

There truly are some odd people in the world, and this woman sounds like one of them.

Yfronts · 15/01/2013 16:26

I would like to hear her side of things. There must be more to this I recon.

DontmindifIdo · 15/01/2013 16:27

YANBU - but he needs to get to a solicitor quick. The DCS shouldn't be out so that she can have a home.

Original poster
Afavor4afriend · 17/01/2013 13:04

Update
he has gone to see his solicitor and is working out where to go from there.
I think she was planning on saying that the baby was her DHs for support but she was worried about it coming out.

OP posts:
Catchingmockingbirds · 17/01/2013 13:08

How much of the story have you heard from her and how much from him?

Original poster
Afavor4afriend · 17/01/2013 13:13

I have heard the full story from both of them.

OP posts:
Catchingmockingbirds · 17/01/2013 13:16

Despite him living with you and you not even wantin to talk to her you've managed to stay neutral to hear both sides fairly?

Catchingmockingbirds · 17/01/2013 13:17

"she has allowed her children to become homeless"

I thought the OP said he took the dc from their home so made them homeless? Did the woman throw her dc out the house?

ivykaty44 · 17/01/2013 13:21

It is good that you are a stable friend for this man and his dc, it isn't always easy to take in someone fleeing a spouse.

But you are now on this side of the fence - you haven't sat on top as many do when friends get divorced and from your side of the fence it is hard to see what is going on in the other place - so don't worry to much about what is going on - though things may well be lobed at you as they already have about the affair between you and him etc. You have nothing to gain from climbing up on the fence and peering over and asking what she has done or her side of thing, it is not your marriage to save or break up.

Your ex friend is going to have to find support from her other friends and sort her own life out. Best that you support the children involved in this messy break up and support the dh to some extent. But don't think you are neutral as you are not and will not be from now on in.

Original poster
Afavor4afriend · 17/01/2013 13:32

This has all been going on for a while and it is only now that he has only come to live with me recently.
You are right I am not neutral and I knew when I said he should stay here that I wouldn't be. But it didn't feel right not supporting the DCs who are now at least somewhere familiar whilst this is sorted.
She said if he left he could take the DCs with him. Though he wouldn't be comfortable leaving them with her long term anyway.
He offered her contact with them just before he left but she said she didn't want it.

OP posts:
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