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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be considering changing my mind about helping someone after only one meeting?

120 replies

SirBoobAlot · 15/01/2013 14:01

A friend of a friend runs a small business, and is horrendously busy. The three of us all went to a talk a while ago, which is how I know him. We had a great night, and got on very well. He mentioned that he was overwhelmed with work, so I offered to help; research etc, I can do from home. He's not paying me.

So I went along for a meeting with him today, to go over what he needs me to do. I got there and he was really stressed with his accountant. He said, "He's just so disorganised, and rubbish at staying in contact. I think he must have a mental health condition or something." I replied, "Does he just not keep you up to date?". He said, "No, he is just generally crap. I think he must have a mental health condition, and you can't work with people like that. They just don't get it."

So, I said, "Well, actually I have a mental health condition." He looked at me sharply, and said, "We might not get on in that case." I told him I had Borderline Personality Disorder, and explained loosely what that meant. His phone then rang.

Then we started talking over what he needed me to do. Quite a lot more than I was expecting! He talked about a company he had contacted; "The first question they asked me was "are you disabled?". I mean, what is the fucking relevance of that? Some do-gooder set on ticking a box. Would they have helped me if I didn't have any legs?". I bristled again at this, seeing as I walk with a stick, but replied calmly, "I think especially with the current cuts that are going on, people have to give it an appearance of not being a vendetta against disabled people." He retorted, "It's not a vendetta. People have just got used to living outside of their means, and spending too much money, when they don't have it. Everyone can't be a charity case. We're economically fucked."

I don't really know what to do. I feel like I should just carry on and help him, because I said I would. But at the same time, I don't want to either start helping out and then be having to listen to this on a regular basis, or be helping for the wrong reason, ie, an attempt to change his mindset instead of because I want to help.

Currently have a battle between wanting to prove him wrong and wanting to protect myself going on in my head.

Would it be unreasonable to type up what we discussed today, and do what I said I would do before I am due to see him next (Friday), but then say "I'm sorry, but because of your views, I don't feel it will be suitable for us to work together"?

I'm really surprised he came out with this.

OP posts:
JustAHolyFool · 15/01/2013 20:22

From a sister in BPD: tell him to piss off.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 15/01/2013 20:23

Your email is perfect. He's a prized twunt.

SirBoobAlot · 15/01/2013 20:31

Thank you, everyone. Feel very anxious now, but think the risk of a bad response is smaller than the back tracking I would end up doing from all my progress mentally had I exposed myself to these views on a regular basis.

OP posts:
twentyten · 15/01/2013 20:36

Well done.You have done the right thing.Good luck-there are lots of people who would value you.

TheFallenNinja · 15/01/2013 20:51

Work for free GrinGrinGrinGrinGrinGrin not in a million years.

bigkidsdidit · 15/01/2013 20:56

Well done

I'd delete all emails back from him without opening, tbh.

PureQuintessence · 15/01/2013 21:00

Well done. Let us know what he responds, so we can bolster your confidence! Smile

ceebie · 15/01/2013 21:01

I used to do research for the Woodland Trust. I profiled companies or industries for them - mostly from websites, occasionally making phone calls. There wasn't a deadline for completing the task, I just tried to get each completed profile back to them within a week or two, and soon after they would send me another one. It was a few years ago that I did it but perhaps something like that might suit you? They certainly were appreciative of the help I was giving, and it was only a few hours every week or two!

SirBoobAlot · 15/01/2013 21:04

Thank you all for the support, and also for the information on possibilities, certainly going to be doing some browsing :)

OP posts:
ThatVikRinA22 · 15/01/2013 21:13

well done boobs, he didnt deserve you to be helping him. he sounds a bit of a prick. you done good
Smile

aftermay · 15/01/2013 21:13

Good luck. I too think you did absolutely the right thing.

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered · 16/01/2013 01:24

Grrrr! Wish I'd seen this earlier, have fumed all the way through it, and then so relieved to see you've extricated yourself from involvement with this awful sounding person.
Everyone is saying don't do anything for him for free, I don't think you should do anything for him even for good money; he will not be good for you.
Brilliant advice here, well done Boobster.
Will PM you about the meet up for Frank, am hoping you'll help us check out venues.

ArtsMumma · 16/01/2013 01:32

Firstly, you should not be working for this person, freely or otherwise and Im glad you turned it down. I am a freelance writer and would be happy to give you some pointers on getting a little casual work in research that would fit in with your condition. In fact, I might just be able to pass a little bit of [paid] work your way now and then. Feel free to get in touch!

dreamingbohemian · 16/01/2013 11:24

Well done!

Please don't feel guilty. You are under no obligation to be nice or helpful to people who treat you badly.

Good luck finding some more enjoyable work to do!

littlemisssunny · 16/01/2013 11:30

I also have mental health problems and am a people pleaser but please do not help this horrible horrible man especially as he wants you to do it for free!

Just say as you said yourself you can't work with people who have mental health problems and are disabled, I can't work with people who clearly are a wanker!

TwelveLeggedWalk · 16/01/2013 11:32

Wow, SirBoob, I can't believe you were considering working for free for him after his first comments! I thin you've done exactly the right thing.

Perhaps if you would really like to do some free research there might well be people on here who could use some online assistance. I suspect my work is too specialised - although it does tend to take me off on random tangents, I learnt about Dwarf Elephants the other day, how great do they sound?! - but there are lots of people on here who work remotely doing copywriting and similar, so I'm sure someone would benefit from a bit of help now and again.

littlemisssunny · 16/01/2013 11:33

Oops sorry just realised I only read the first page and thought it was the end of the thread Blush

Well done though on standing up for yourself!

everybodysang · 16/01/2013 12:00

well done, so glad you're not going to work for him!

DonderandBlitzen · 16/01/2013 12:04

"Well, actually I have a mental health condition." He looked at me sharply, and said, "We might not get on in that case."

No don't work for him

SirBoobAlot · 16/01/2013 12:14

Thank you everyone. I haven't been brave enough to check my email today Blush

OP posts:
Punkatheart · 16/01/2013 13:12

What a lovely offer from Artsmumma. Research is great - such a lovely thing to get absorbed in. I love it when I have a book review to do, particularly if it's a non-fiction book. I learn such a lot!

Don't bother with your email - I can imagine exactly what he has said.

Read this messages instead. This gang is not for turning! When you have a Mumsnetter at your shoulder, you stand tall!

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 16/01/2013 13:15

Not read the replies but seriously this man sounds like a dick and you should not work for him for free.

Find something/someone worthwhile you can help, not a tosser like him.

SirBoobAlot · 16/01/2013 14:44

Artsmumma have just seen your post, thank you for your offer to point me in the right direction, much appreciated, I will PM you :)

Seeing my friend this afternoon so will tell him what has happened, just in case there is any backlash...

OP posts:
SirBoobAlot · 16/01/2013 20:18

Okay, need more input, have just got a text from him:

SirBoob, I don't get it! What did I say to get you so upset? Now I'm upset! I think you have misunderstood me. Can we talk about it? Conversation is the way to deal with such things. Email and texts don't offer any chance to discuss. I'm really sad about what you think I might have meant :(

How do I respond to that? As far as I'm concerned, there was no room for misunderstanding.

OP posts:
twentyten · 16/01/2013 20:31

What a @?@>:>:>! Completely lacking in any self-awareness.You do not need to engage in discussing with him.

I would suggest just emailing back that after the meeting you realised that you were not the right person to work in the role described and wish him all the best-DO NOT ENGAGE!!It will just leave you feeling bad.
He is the one with issues-not you. You do not need him.

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