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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel like the most selfish shittiest daughter in the world?

16 replies

somedayma · 14/01/2013 20:39

my mum had cancer last year (as in 2011/2012) We found out late December, she started treatment mid jan. All good, all fine now. I knew she had a one year follow up appt this month but for some reason assumed it was at the end of the month (why?! I have no idea).

I just rang her there to see when it was and she told me it was early jan and they found another lump but tested it and it was nothing sinister. So HAPPY that she's clear but I feel like a CUNT for not realising it was early in the month Sad. She (and my dad) would have had a terrifying wait to find out the results of the lump test and I just didn't think to ask when it was happening so offered no support or anything.

I was home at Christmas (live in diff countries) and didn't ask then for some reason.

I'm a fucking dick. How can I make this up to her? She said don't be silly it's all fine and that's what matters but...ugh how self absorbed of me. WHY did I assume it was late jan?!

OP posts:
Original poster
somedayma · 14/01/2013 20:42

I'm not asking an actual AIBU here sorry, I just ranted in the forum that was open on my laptop. sorry

OP posts:
Bellerophon · 14/01/2013 20:44

You clearly care for her and are hugely riled by the mistake you feel you've made. Don't beat yourself up over it, just show her support now.

NotInMyDay · 14/01/2013 20:45

Aw you sound really cut up and really sorry. You were a bit self absorbed but have said sorry and will pay more attention in the future. Beat yourself up a little then move on.

Maybe send flowers to her.

Oh and great news on all clear.

Original poster
somedayma · 14/01/2013 20:45

Thanks for reply. I can't help beating myself up, why did I not ask the date of the appt?! What a silly mistake

OP posts:
DeckSwabber · 14/01/2013 20:46

Don't be too hard on yourself. These things work two ways. Either your mum or dad could have said something to you over Christmas but they probably didn't want to worry you (that's what parents do!).

Next time, you know you won't be told, so write it down in your diary so that you remember to ask.

thebody · 14/01/2013 20:48

Don't beat yourself. Parents always want to protect their kids however old they are and I expect your parents didn't want you to worry.

You sound like a lovely daughter.

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 14/01/2013 20:53

If she'd wanted you to know when it was, she would have told you. Calm down.
(sorry but, well, get a grip, go buy flowers or a cake or whatever your mum likes, take her in your arms and tell her you love her. Let the rest go, it's not like you deliberately went to Ibiza for the week to miss it cos you couldn't be arsed or something Grin)

RubyrooUK · 14/01/2013 20:53

If this was me (and I would also do something like this and then be wracked with guilt) I'd do something to show her she WAS on my mind.

I would order flowers/chocs/biscuits/Kindle vouchers and then send them with a jokey message saying:

"Dear mum, so happy your tests came back all clear. In case it isn't obvious (as I have been known to be a bit too subtle about these things), I am thrilled and love you lots. X"

Or whatever works for your own mum.....

Original poster
somedayma · 14/01/2013 20:54

I know, they wouldn't have mentioned it without prompting because they wouldn't want to worry me. But of course THEY would have been worrying terribly and I didn't even think to ask. Lesson learned. I will never forget something so important again

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Original poster
somedayma · 14/01/2013 20:56

and thank you all for the replies. whoever suggested I get a grip, you're probably right. Think it'll take me a while to shake off the guilt though! Right, going to look online for something nice I can have sent to her

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PomBearWithAnOFRS · 14/01/2013 21:23

That's the spirit! Grin

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 14/01/2013 21:33

Oh :( We all make mistakes, we all make assumptions - sometimes it's over a little thing and sometimes it's not. Your Mum clearly knows you love her, do what you said, send her a little something and a written apology (and telling her, if you haven't already, that it wasn't that you'd forgotten, but that you thought it was later this month).

If it helps any, I'm a way worse daughter than you :(

FloweryDrawers · 14/01/2013 21:44

Definitely send her something nice, to show how pleased you are that she's clear. What wonderful news.

But - and I have no experience of this, but it's how I feel. If I was in your Mum's position, with my dds grown up and away living their lives, one of the worst aspects of any illness would be the thought of them worrying about me. I know that my (very elderly) Mum still feels protective towards me and my sisters, and expect that when the time comes I will feel the same way.

Serious illness in a parent is a difficult time - it's a huge transition, because for your whole life they've felt responsible for you, and suddenly you see weakness in them, and that makes you feel responsible for them. But your mother is the woman that she's always been, and the parent-child relationship never goes away. She may even feel a tiny bit relieved at the thought that you weren't panicking about her all the time.

And I wish her many years of health. :)

McNewPants2013 · 14/01/2013 22:00

if you was a 'shit daughter' you wouldn't have bother to ask in the first place Thanks

Great news that your mum is in the clear :)

thegreylady · 14/01/2013 22:13

I had BC in 2006 and still have regular checks. I never ever tell dd or ds until afterwards. It is enough for me to worry without worrying about them worrying about me :-)

Original poster
somedayma · 14/01/2013 22:38

Thank you very very much for the kind words everyone. My shame and anger at myself is matched by my absolute DELIGHT that she's clear Smile

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