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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder if you have/need less friends as you get older?

14 replies

mrsnw · 14/01/2013 20:15

I've just turned forty and have two children. Ds 6 and dd 4. I find myself enjoying my own company more and more. I'm less bothered about meeting friends for coffee and hearing them going on about such and such. Is this normal or do I need to get new friends? I'm starting to find schoolgate politics a bit of a drain. OR am I just a miserable cow? Lol

OP posts:
Pandemoniaa · 14/01/2013 20:21

I don't think you need fewer friends but I do think that as you get older you get less interested in having friends for the sake of it and more discerning about who you are friends with.

chandellina · 14/01/2013 20:23

We go through phases in life. Right now it isn't that important to you but that could all change. Maybe people generally become more self sufficient but there's always a place for friends.

gordyslovesheep · 14/01/2013 20:25

I think you have better closer friends - with similar lives - who understand when you don't text back straight away or see them every single weekend - and still love even if you are a bit crap at staying in touch (in my case) - you tend to ditch the emotional vampires by 40

Original poster
mrsnw · 14/01/2013 20:27

Yes maybe you do get more selective as you get older. Facebook is also the work of the devil as everyone seems to be such good friends!

OP posts:
Yfronts · 14/01/2013 20:29

I adore my family unit, am very home focused but I'm very very social still. I tend to stick to a number of special meaningful friendships though but also allow space for blossoming relationships. Some lovely relationships have developed over the last three years as a result and we all look after each other. Most of our extended families live miles away and in many ways my friends feel like cousins or sisters. I don't like to waste my time with some people though. I'm definitely more picky in my 40's!

zukiecat · 14/01/2013 20:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OmgATalkingOnion · 14/01/2013 20:41

I've always been like that. I find big general groups extremely draining. I'd rather have one or two who mean a lot to me than a crowd who don't.

I've spent time in previous years feeling at odds with myself about 'joining in' with things. Feeling like I ought to when I actually don't enjoy it.

I've now admitted to myself that I'm ok as I am and dont allow myself to feel pressured into socialising when I don't want to. Tough if it upsets anyone (not that I mean to) but they have to accept a thanks but no thanks. I've massively narrowed down the people I see and I'm happier for it.

I have zero interest in school gate stuff and do noT get involved. I dipped my toe in that particular pool but it's def not for me.

Original poster
mrsnw · 14/01/2013 20:53

Yes it's funny how you just click with certain people and others make you feel like running a mile. Do you think if you're a popular mum at the schoolgate your children in turn will be more popular?

OP posts:
Zappo · 14/01/2013 21:16

I have had "friends" over the years but haven't had a best friend for about 20 years.

I have made friends at uni, work, in shared houses, but when I have left and moved on the friendship has never continued. I don't chat to mums at the school gate (except for one who like me doesn't know anyone else)

I have one mum "friend" who lives nearby but we are more like colleagues (in parenting). If our DC didn't play together I probably wouldn't continue the friendship.

In terms of having someone to go out to the pub with, I don't have anyone at the mo except DH. Does it bother me no. I'm not someone who particularly needs friends. But I do wonder whether DCs need to see their parents having friendships or gain anything from it.

Original poster
mrsnw · 14/01/2013 21:40

Yes Zeppo. They are my thoughts. If you don't have many friends or socialise are the children less sociable? Wow it would appear that many people don't have a Hugh array of friends. That's made me feel better.

OP posts:
Zappo · 14/01/2013 21:53

My DD1 (5) was quite often described as being on the outside of the group whilst at nursery but does seem to have fitted in well at school but I notice at home she often says she wants to be on her own. If we go to visit my friend and her child, she will enjoy playing and at some point ask to come home. The friend is very sociable as is her son and he never wants to stop playing and is not as good as being on his own.

So maybe there is an inherited trait or observed behaviour going on.

Original poster
mrsnw · 14/01/2013 22:00

I'm just finding it all so draining. I always believed that having friends shouldn't be hard work Sad

OP posts:
OmgATalkingOnion · 15/01/2013 11:17

'I do wonder whether DCs need to see their parents having friendships'

From my own experience no. I am quite a solitary person by default (introverted probably). My 3 dc (2 in particular) are much, much more outgoing and friend orientated than I ever was or am. My take on friendships hasn't affected them at all. Me not actively seeking out school gate mums hasn't ever meant they lack friends at school (they're 11 and 14 now).

I am friendly, completely approachable and chatty towards their friends mums but I rarely take it further than a workable relationship based around our dc's friendship.

OmgATalkingOnion · 15/01/2013 11:21

Mrsnw - take a big step back if you feel this way. Don't hang about to be drawn into stuff at school (make some excuse about having to be elsewhere)

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