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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel sorry for my DGDs other Nan.

20 replies

LaurieBlueBell · 14/01/2013 11:04

Back story:
My DD fell pregnant last year whilst in a fairly new relationship. The father didn't want to know so DD went through her pregnancy alone. DGD is now 9 weeks old and very much loved. Her father has never seen her and refused to have his name on the birth certificate. DD has never asked for any help emotionally or financially from him.
During the pregnancy the babies other Nan kept in close contact with my DD by phone, text, FB. When the baby was born she and other family members came to the hospital and brought lovely gifts etc. When DD came home from hospital other Nan and Grandad visited her at home once. All the time she talked about how much DGD looked like her son and that she was convinced he would love her if he met her.

She then started pushing DD to let her have DGD overnight. She was very persistent with this. DD was not happy to allow this for several reasons.

Other Nan and family are heavy smokers and she also drinks a lot.
She doesn't want DGD to be forcibly introduced to her father when he clearly isn't interested. She feels that if her DD goes to other her Nan's home she will be powerless to monitor the situation. DD made it clear she was happy for them to have unlimited contact but it had to be in her home.

The other family then withdrew and haven't seen DGD since.

I look at how much she is changing and growing each day and feel sorry that her other GPs are not going to have the chance to get to know her. Also DGD is missing the chance to get to know them.

I don't think my DD was BU but sometimes I wonder.

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 14/01/2013 11:07

I wouldnt feel sorry for them. No grandparent has any valid reason to demand they have their grandchild over night, and certainly not such a young baby either.

I think your daughter is being more than fair with them.

Dinglebert · 14/01/2013 11:07

Could your daughter invite them on a day out to a soft play centre or children's farm or something? I wouldn't let my child go to the house of someone I didn't know well who also smoked and drank too much.

TotallyBS · 14/01/2013 11:08

Your baby, your rules. So you are being totally reasonable.

MissyMooandherBeaverofSteel · 14/01/2013 11:09

I wouldn't feel sorry for them, they have withdrawn from contact of their own accord.

MakeItALarge · 14/01/2013 11:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TotallyBS · 14/01/2013 11:09

Sorry, your DD's baby, her rules.

Convict224 · 14/01/2013 11:09

Well, I am a Grandma and I would accept your daughter's pov regarding contact. If I was in that situation I would move mountains to see my grandchild. I think yabu to pity this woman as she has chosen to not see her own gc

manicbmc · 14/01/2013 11:09

Grandparents don't actually have any rights. It is sad the your dgd won't have contact with this side of her family but I think your dd is right. Her baby is very young to be staying over with relatives anyway and she probably still is trying to establish a routine and get used to having a new baby.

The fact that they have withdrawn support and visits just goes to show what sort of people they are really.

Make sure your dd is getting any maintenance due to her.

Catsdontcare · 14/01/2013 11:11

Your dd is being sensible and totally fair. If they loved their granddaughter they would continue to see her not turn their backs just because they can't get their own way.

They have chosen to cut themselves off

moojie · 14/01/2013 11:12

I wouldn't have let either of my children stay overnight with my own mum at less than 9 weeks let alone another adult who I didn't really know. I think your DD was being more than reasonable to invite them for unlimited contact and yes it is sad that they will be out but if it was that conditional on their part it's best it has happened now rather than when DGD is more aware.

Original poster

LaurieBlueBell · 14/01/2013 11:15

I completely agree with my DD. Even if the circumstances were different no-one has the right to expect overnight visits at such a young age.

I am a big softie and even though they have brought this on themselves I can't help my sadness that they are missing the chance to know her. I would walk over broken glass to see her and couldn't imagine not having her as part of my life.

OP posts:

Catsdontcare · 14/01/2013 11:24

It is sad all round. But at least your dgd has one doting grandparent!

gotthemoononastick · 14/01/2013 12:14

my grandchildren are in Australia....know realistically that I will be lucky to see them perhaps five times ever, please God. Live for photos.Would never pressure the parents for anything,and feel so very happy that my daughter is surrounded by the other grandparents and family,who delight in the children.You play the cards that you are dealt with grace.

Original poster

LaurieBlueBell · 14/01/2013 12:24

Oh gotthemoononastick your post has actually made me well up. You sound so lovely. I swear I'm sharing my DDs hormones nothing to do with menopausal hormones

I was always telling my dc that I didn't care about having grand children. I worried about the world any potential GC would live in.
Now it has happened I cannot believe what a wonderful thing it is and how completely different my feelings are to those of a parent IYKWIM.

Are your GC old enough to skype?

OP posts:

DoodlesNoodles · 14/01/2013 12:30

Could you ask the other GP's to meet up for a coffee somewhere with your DD and the baby. Just a short informal meet up.
I can see they are in a bad position but you can see how it goes. .??

NotSoNervous · 14/01/2013 12:32

I wouldn't feel sorry for them at all, your DD is offering them as much contact as they want but are refusing it so its their problem. She sounds like she's being more then fair

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 14/01/2013 12:36

Laurie - it's nice of you to care, but honestly, your sadness is misplaced, save it for something that is genuinely sad. They chose to exclude themselves. Your DD treat them very well and allowed a lot more contact than many would have - they should have been counting their blessings that he got such a lovely girl pregnant, not one who would have excluded them when he didn't step up.

The sort of people who push to have a baby overnight aren't considering either the baby or the mothers needs and are the sort who are best out of your lives.

It is rare that a Mum is ready to allow anyone else to have a baby overnight by 9 weeks - let alone allow those who smoke and drink heavily.

If they can so easily walk away from your DGD simply because they can't have their way having her overnight - count your blessings and hope they stay away. Your DGD will have plenty of love without them in her life and your DD will have a much easier life!

Chrysanthemum5 · 14/01/2013 12:40

I'm generally very keen on grandparents having time on their own with the DGCs to build a relationship that doesn't rely on the parents. However, 9 weeks is way too young, and I think your DD is being very fair.

I know you feel sorry for them, because you know how much you would miss your DGD, but the other GPs are clearly not like you.

CecilyP · 14/01/2013 12:47

I think you are wasting your sympathy.

Your DD allowed them fairly unlimited contact. They then made a completely unreasonable (regardless of their smoking and drinking) request to have the baby overnight. I agree with Chipping, that it is unusual that a Mum would allow anyone else to have a baby overnight by 9 weeks.

They have now taken umbrage that their demand has been refused and no longer see their DGD. That is entirely their own choice. They can't have been that concerned about seeing the baby if they were put off so easily.

hatgirl · 14/01/2013 12:58

at least you can see where their son got his attitude from! what a shame

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