Guilt

[floatinginthesea]

I suspect i know the answer but really is it unreasonable to feel guilty for being a bad mum when you suffer with cronic pain every day? I have degenerative disc with referred nerve pain. Every day every step hurts. Every night I wake in pain if I don't dose up on painkillers. I spend half of every Sunday in bed. I cant do lots of things to take care of my little girl. I hate being so useless.

I know a lone parent with tons of energy who is always dashing out taking her DCs to clubs and activities, she's spent more time coaxing them getting changed or driving them to weekend or after school activities than she's ever spent reading to them or doing quiet indoor activities. She has a great time her kids are stimulated and it works for them. She confided once, "I dread weekends and holidays, I don't know what talk to them about and worry they'll be bored".

If you are physically unable to do that kind of hectic parenting but instead give DD time and attention and love, indoors and possibly static, how is that in any way failing her? Do you have support? Is DD school age yet? Has she the opportunity to mingle with DCs her own age?

We play to our strengths. We do what we can afford. When we don't have the time, where possible somebody else steps in. I don't know beyond what you've just outlined but I am sure you do your best.

Thank you for replies. I feel so alone sometimes. DD is 6 and wonderful. We spend lots of time together and Sunday afternoons we cuddle up in my bed and watch Come dine with me. It's lovely but I'm sure it's not recommended in any parenting books. I have DH too who is supportive but it's so complicated. He shouts at me for doing stuff in case it aggravates the pain (and DD hears it and comments) and gets fed up when he feels put upon. He is seriously depressed and I feel we are a family of freaks sometimes and worry how we can being DD up. Of course from the outside we look picture perfect!

Is DH receiving treatment for depression?
I am sorry. I know you say he's usually supportive and tbh I don't know about DDD and the extent of limitations it places on you but him getting worked up and shouting won't help.

I have fibromyalgia and I struggle too. Its easier now the children are older but I still feel useless.

It does help to know others are going through similar things. DH is on his second type of anti-depressants. He needs total emotional support. If I criticise at all it makes him worse. He has talked about killing himself because he can't make me happy. So I feel like I can't complain. I want to be strong and capable but I try to do a day without pain relief like today and get to 2pm and fail spectacularly. DH's mum got home from hospital this pm after 1st chemo treatment and I couldn't go with DH and DD to see her. I had to go to bed with tablets and hot water bottle.

Mums are fabulous aren't they? Thank you all for being there. I've never posted like this before but just needed the support today.

Sundays in my house is chilled out, we watch films and generally just lounge about.

It must be very tiring for the parents where every weekend is packed with activities.

I'm also a disabled mum and do much of my parenting from the sofa. Please don't feel guilty, cuddles in bed with come dine with me sounds wonderful, I bet it'll be one of the things he'll have fond memories of when he's an adult. Focus on the things you can do with him, reading books together is never going to stop being beneficial. If you can get comfy with lots of cushions on the sofa downstairs just being there can help, even if you're a bit doped up and not actively doing anything, just a reassuring background presence will be felt by DS.

As to your DH, the pair of you are in a really tough situation and a clearly both struggling a lot. He obviously needs help but maybe on top of that you could look into getting counselling together. DH and I went when my walking problems first started, not because we were arguing which each other but because between us we felt like we weren't coping. Marriage counselling doesn't have to be about sorting about a disagreement in a relationship, it can be about getting some much needed support together.

In that case I would hazard a guess DH is now upset about his DM and is letting it out in a safe environment - home.
I am sure MIL would know you'd have gone over had you been up to it. Actually she might not have felt like visitors even loved ones after the session so probably DH and DD were as much as she could handle.

It is a worry for him on top of his concerns for your health. Being deeply concerned for somebody close is draining let alone if he already has depression.

I second the idea about counselling of some sort but please don't under-estimate your calming presence at the eye of the storm. Whether it's "Come Dine With Me" or cuddles and a story it's all good.

Hi. Had an appointment with a neurologist today. I need yet another MRI scan. If the nerves are being affected I can have an op. If not it's more doctors. But am feeling more positive (not least thanks to you all) and may have a solution in 4 weeks time. I'm also going to sort out some counselling. I hope you are doing ok.