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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to be very upset over the death of someone I've never met?

28 replies

GilmoursPillow · 13/01/2013 13:57

My 14 yo learnt yesterday that one of her friends from school died in a car accident on Friday along with her mother who was driving, and another passenger who died today.

I didn't know this friend except from what DD had said about her yet I found myself in tears today after driving by the accident site (which is close to where we live).
I don't want to be claiming other's grief as my own but I'm upset at the loss of a beautiful young life through someone else's actions. I'm upset at the father and brother left who are leaving the country tonight, with the remains to be repatriated in their own country, who aren't coping at all - unsurprisingly.
I'm upset at having to hold DD while she sobs into my shoulder.

Is this normal, or am I over-thinking this?

OP posts:
BrianCoxandTheTempleofDOOM · 13/01/2013 14:00

No, you are not over thinking it.

You are human, a terrible thing has happened and you are rightly upset by it.

I hope the family, the community and you and your daughter help each other to come to terms with such a terrible waste of life.

x

CitrusyOne · 13/01/2013 14:01

No, now I'm a mum I get more and more upset by things like this. Those children and women that died in the car crash on m6 on Christmas Day upset me for similar reasons. Wouldn't have bothered me in the same way before I had DD. I would have heard the story and though 'how sad' but now it plays on my mind.

MissyMooandherBeaverofSteel · 13/01/2013 14:08

You aren't over thinking at all.

I get upset reading peoples stories on here, or at things on the news which don't directly effect me at all.

Your poor DD, I remember losing a friend in similar circumstances when I was around her age, its so difficult to lose someone your own age when you are already going through so much anyway in your teens. How is she doing?

Don't feel bad or guilty for being upset, you are only human.

piratecat · 13/01/2013 14:10

oh you are being human, hopefully. that's a tragic and sad thing to have happened, why are you worried about how you feel about it, really you shouldn't. Glad your dd has you to hold xx

Pseudo341 · 13/01/2013 14:12

YANBU. It's a horrible tragedy and it's close to home, it's perfectly natural to be upset. I think it does get worse once you have children, I regularly end up in tears over stuff on the telly about people who are nothing to do with me.

wewereherefirst · 13/01/2013 14:15

You have a link to it, it's understandable why you would be upset too! There was an awful smash here last year, three fatalities including a small child. I sobbed for ages didn't help knowing what had happened at the incident but it's still a shock, when something happens; lives like your own.

Take care.

annielouisa · 13/01/2013 14:17

I also feel that when someone the age of one of your DC losess their life it makes you think about how transient life actually is. Three young mean who were my DDs classmates at school died in separate tragedies in the same week. The last funeral was Friday and I felt overwhelmed with grief for a young man I had never met (only 31).

Fecklessdizzy · 13/01/2013 14:22

Absolutely not! It's a natural reaction to something tragic and horrible happening close to home. I felt the same when my son's friend's grown-up brother ( who I didn't know ) was killed in a car crash.

Best wishes.

WhereYouLeftIt · 13/01/2013 14:31

Your reaction sounds perfectly normal to me. Death from anything other than old age has become so much more unusual compared to for previous generations, that when it happens it comes as a bit of a shock. And frankly, you sound as if you are a little in shock - tearful etc. These deaths have a particular poignancy for you because at some level you will be thinking yourself and your DD into their place. How could you not be upset at the (even if unconscious) thought of the loss of your DD and the sorrow of your Dh and the rest of the family?

Please be reassured that you are not claiming another's grief as your own, but just experiencing empathy for others.

sarahtigh · 13/01/2013 14:34

it's a natural reaction as your DD knew her, even though you did not, is this the first death of someone your DD knows, she may not know how she feels herself

however not sure why you are upset at father and brother taking their bodies elsewhere for burial/cremation (unless they caused accident )

JustFabulous · 13/01/2013 14:34

YANBU

I know I am not the only one who cried when Diana died and have cried too when other people in the public eye have died. I have never met any of them. I have cried when I have read news reports of people I never met have died. I have cried when I have read on here that people I have never even read a post from before have posted of a loss.

I think it is normal as a family as been devastated and you are in a family so can imagine the pain.

ReluctantMother · 13/01/2013 14:35

Yanbu. That is a tragedy.

thebody · 13/01/2013 14:36

Absolutely not. My dd and her friends were all badly injured last year and their teacher died. It goes on and on and both me and dh regularly cry over it.

I understand you didn't know this girl but its perfectly right to feel upset.

If you can't be upset and empathise over loss of a young life or a parent or anyone really then what do we become?

ConfusedPixie · 13/01/2013 14:37

YADNBU. I felt the same way each time I heard similar news (three of my 22yo sister's old school friends have died in RTA's over the past five years). It's shocking how quickly life can be snubbed out :(

Spice17 · 13/01/2013 14:40

Totally normal response I would say and a very sad thing to happen. I was going to start an AIBU myself about feeling completely bereft if I hear about or read tragic stories about children now I'm a Mum.

Just read one in Take a Break (yes saddo!) about a little boy that had me in floods of tears and praying (even though I'm not religious) that my DD will be safe/well throughout her life.

We all feel things in different ways and any feelings of sadness/grief are valid, we don't control them and it's what makes us who we are.

SkinnybitchWannabe · 13/01/2013 14:48

YADNBU Its human nature to get upset when terrible things like that happen.
It must be so awful to see your DD so sad and I can imagine she'll need lots of cuddles.

CrazyChristmasLady · 13/01/2013 14:50

YANBU. Its a horrible thing to happen and you can't help but feel for the relatives left behind and feel grief at the death of a young girl the same age as your DD. I can't even read stories in the news about parents and children dying. It upsets me so much since I had children.

MammaTJ · 13/01/2013 14:50

YANBU! I got equally upset about the death in a road accident of a friend of my 17 year old DD. It just makes them seem somehow more vulnerable too.

Original poster
GilmoursPillow · 13/01/2013 15:14

sarahtigh sorry, I worded it wrong. I'm very upset for the man who no longer has his wife and daughter, and the boy (who DD also knows) suddenly has no sister or mother. I'm upset because their lives have been torn apart, not because they're taking their loved ones home (we're all expats) but because it's more trauma for them to go through.

Thank you Ladies. Two lines you've written stand out: that it's too close to home - yes, in different ways. It was a mother and daughter, and it happened where I live. Somebody else mentioned about thinking myself and DD into their place. Yes, that too.

My friend has made a bit of a deal about how she should have been on that piece road at that time, but for a call from her DH, she wasn't. That, to me, feels wrong.

DD will be fine. I've just heard her laughing with a friend she's chatting to, but I also had to collect her from school early because she was too upset. She's up and down and it will just take time for her to work through it.

OP posts:
Dryjuice25 · 13/01/2013 15:18

YDNBU, I grieved over Michael Jackson like he was family. Now I look back and wonder what was wrong with me . But at the time I was so bereft...

Original poster
GilmoursPillow · 13/01/2013 15:28

Thank you, all. I'm reassured to know that this is normal. If I were to ask my DH he'd think I was weird.

OP posts:
phantomnamechanger · 13/01/2013 15:30

I think it is a perfectly normal response, especailly as a parent. Thinking "what if..." is something we all do in these situations.

remember everyday to hug and kiss your loved ones and never part on bad terms, that's my motto. Life is too short.

specialsubject · 13/01/2013 16:25

no, because although you never met this woman there is a connection; your daughter has lost a friend and is obviously very sad. Something bad has happened to someone known to a close family member. Perfectly reasonable.

being upset about Princess Diana, Michael Jackson etc IS unreasonable unless you knew them or their families. This is different.

if you are upset while driving though, please stop the car until you are under control again.

JustFabulous · 13/01/2013 16:50

I knew someone would poke fun but it wasn't a concious decision to cry when she died. It just came out.

sydlexic · 13/01/2013 17:00

I find the idea of feeling nothing about the death of someone because you didn't know them quite strange.

In the case of Lady Di two young boys have lost their mother. How can that not be upsetting.

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